An Interview with the candidates
CB: First off, let me thank you guys for coming out today to do this. I realize some of you have traveled thousands of miles and either waited or traveled many years to be here today. Chrono Trigger characters running as politicians has always had a certain subtle genius to it, and it will be interesting to hear from all of the candidates. Crono, since you're first on the list, I'll start the first question with you: what do you all plan to do about the criminal justice system?
Crono: No comment.
CB: eh, are you sure? US citizens say they aren't pleased that every single person who does so much as look at Marle gets shipped to Guantanamo Bay after having been sentenced 2 days solitary confinement.
Marle: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwww!!!!! creepy people!!
Crono: ...eh, no comment.
CB: Oh, give me a break, Crono!
Crono: no comment!
Viper: I've been advised not to say anything about Guantanamo bay or the legal system. Sorry dude.
CB: ...-_-*...
Magus: Ugh... isn't it obvious to you that the current president is yakra in disguise? I mean even Marle could figure that out.
Marle: figure what out?
Magus: exactly. Next question, please.
Zoah: I THIN-
Magus: next question!
CB: Um, okay I wanna direct something at Belthasar. Belthasar, you're a senior citizen, right?
Belthasar: yes, why?
CB: You understand the plight of old people in our country, struggling with medicare and prescription drugs. Do you have any good ideas on how you would fight or reverse this unwanted side effect?
Belthasar: uh, well, I'm not really familiar with that. I come from the future where Machines are at war with humans and John Conner leads the resistance. I could tell you a lot about time travel though, which my running mate is all too familiar with.
Marle: OMGWTF ROBO!!! HOW R U?????
Robo: Pahaps I chan alahborate. Belthasaa, een da yeah 2008 AD, Seneah citizeens, despite doing dah best, cannat pey fah deh drugs.
Belthasar: oh! oh! I see. Well, I do have a solution for that as well. Copy their memory into new bodies, and they can keep living!
Magus: wait, wait a minute. I only know like five of those things! Where are you gonna get that many Nu?
Viper: Actually, they aren't that rare where I come from...
Magus: huh?
Zoah: THE NU, OR "BEACH BUM" AS WE LIKE TO CALL THEM, BREED QUITE DENSELY NEAR THE EL NIDO TRIANGLE. WE WOULD GLADLY SEND FARGO TO SHIP YOU SOME. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, FARGO?
Fargo: well, um... gee... I mean, I guess... but it's kind of a long way... eh... *takes a swig of Captain Morgan*
CB: hm, Fargo, you're an alchoholic. Why haven't you spoken up? you'd be perfect for the job.
Fargo: I'm getting cold feet... what if I can't do it? what if I just screw up?
Zoah: IF YOU CAN'T DO IT, I'M SURE HE CAN JUST...
Fargo: NO! out of my way, helmeted buffoon!! I'm not here to back down!!! Schala, I'm not gonna take your little shipping application either!!! I'm running for President, not UPS! Lower Swabby, anyone who joins my crew by voting for me will get all the whiskey they can hold, and all the gold their pockets can drink!! Nevermind the elderly!! they can die out like the people who can't read warning labels! Nevermind Iraq! we don't need their resources, we run on wind!! That's right, folks!! NEVERMIND OIL.
Magus: I don't care either way on the statement. it's not that I'm being pessimistic, it's just that while what you said was admittedly REALLY COOL, you took my sister's name in vain. You barely dodged the bullet old man.
Zoah: YUP. NOW HE'S DRUNK.
Frog: Thou canst not fuel the rouge with alchohol. Tis immoral and dishonest. The true candidate dost not requiresthine such Machiavelian measures to-
Magus: FROG SECRETLY WORKS FOR AL-QUEIDA!!
Frog: Magus consumeth infants, and slayed his own comrades in the land of Vietnam!!!
Magus: YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT!!
Frog: I hast pictures!!
Zoah: SHUUUUT UUUUUUUUUPPPP!!!!!
Magus: ...that wasn't necessary, Zoah.
Zoah: DON'T GIVE ME ANY LIP, DRACULA.
CB: Viper, you were Magus's commanding officer. can you confirm any of this?
Viper: That's classified information. I'm sorry, I can't say anything about the elderly either.
Serge: I remember when old people could afford their medicine... we would laugh, play, dance in the backyard... I wonder whatever became of grandma's old tire swing... we would have so much fun upon it... swinging back and forth... defying the stars themselves with our ascent...
CB: Serge, do you have any actual answers to the question?
Serge: huh? oh... no comment.
CB:What!? But what about all that flashback crap?
Serge: nooooo comment.
Frog: Perhaps the valiant deeds of a charitable organization or mayhaps a table of knights canst protect the elderly.
Magus: Who cares? They're old, they smell, they're gonna die anyway.
Frog: Hath ye no elderly figure in thine life, pale one? none to tell thee of thine adventures sailing across the stars, or of old war battles?
Serge: When I was young, we would have such free love in the open fields... I'll never forget her name... but what was it? It was the age of adventure... the age of friends... the age of the summer of 69... now, I need arthritis medicine, and being over 30, cannot trust myself any longer...
CB: So, you're saying your policy is "don't trust anyone over 30?"
Serge: ...no comment.
Magus: all my elderly figures were BS philosophers and sociologists. Imagine having Karl Marx for a grandpa. That's the kinda thing you'll get if you elect Belthasar! Eternal life... at the COST OF YOUR SOUL...
Marle: I'm not gonna vote for that dumb old man then!!!
Belthasar: I am not a marxist! I offer a valid alternative to the human body!
Magus: yeah, when I get to be 85 and need plastic diapers, then I'll pretend to care.
CB: Gentlemen, please! let's change the subject. Iraq?
Viper: YEAH!!! something I can relate to!! Well, since you asked, we've got a powerful nuclear warhead powered by a mysterious red rock. it's one of a kind, and if anyone of you even thinks of taking it, I'll invade your hometown and destroy you!!!!!
Crono: ...
Viper: What!!? You wanna go, Vegeta?
Crono: no comment.
Viper: just keep saying that!! your friends aren't gonna get my warhead!! Elect me, and I'll upgrade security for the US, starting with the white house. it'll have a stable full of Dragons, a mad scientist, and an android with LASER HAIR. Besides, I'll make that commie in the blue my slave.
Belthasar: I am not a commie!!! and you haven't even mentioned Iraq!
Viper: what more is there to say? I'll take all their oil, then CRUSH THEM WITH MY SUPERIOR FIREPOWER!! and if anyone objects, I'll use my red rock on them too!!!
Marle: well that isn't what I'D do.
CB: and what would you do?
Marle: I think it's dumb and stupid how they make the women all dress like Ninjas!! I'd give them a new fashion!! and all the houses would be pink!!! and everyone would have a puppy, so they couldn't even think about blowing each other up!!! Right Crono?? CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Crono: ...n.. no comment. (*sweatdrop)
Belthasar: IF I MAY SAY SOMETHING PLEASE... ...yes, well... I can build a time machine and stop this conflict altogether. This is all obviously a big misunderstanding, and I may even save people who have died in this war.
Zoah: I HAVE NO COMMENT. I PREFER TO CONCENTRATE ON THE HOMELAND.
Fargo: Screw Iraq!!! Screw OIL.
Frog: 'Tis clear to me that the attack on the US twas completely one-sided, and completely unprovoked. Thine foe is in the wrong to accuse us of being enemies, and will be defeated, for as I hath learn't, America the beautiful is not capable of evil.
Magus: ...and there you have it folks. The perfect reason not to elect Frog. I didn't even have to make it up!
CB: mmhm... Magus, your thoughts? please.
Magus: right... well... (makes himself comfortable in chair) best place to start is by getting back to the basics. We find this Osama guy, turn him into a frog, and put him face to face with our Frog.
Frog: "Oh, say can you see?? By the dawn's early light..."
CB: Frog, please don't try to drown out Magus. some of us are trying to listen.
Frog: Well, if thou dost not like the American Anthem, thou art surely a terrorist!
Magus: ...you know what? I'm not gonna say anything else about all this. all I have to do is watch Frog lose by himself.
Frog: The colors of this thy beautiful land, they dost not run!!
Marle: yeah!!! Frog is an all American hero!!!
Crono: ...no comment...
CB: hey, wasn't there another candidate?
(loud rumbling can be heard outside, followed by the sound of war, pestilence, and four horsemen. Then, the door opens, and what appears to be a fishman in a space suit walks in)
Lavos: Sorry I'm late, hit some traffic coming up through the mantle. So, wassup?
Magus: (smiles amusedly) wait a minute, isn't THIS the guy that can shoot lasers out of his nipples? DUDE!
Lavos: Yes, yes I am -^^- and if you vote for me, I'll spare your life.
Magus: funny, I was about to say the exact same thing. (inches towards the door)
CB: Magus, where are you going? we're not done!
Magus: I uh, gotta go to the bathroom. outside. (runs in the direction of Lavos's shell)
CB: that was odd... anyways, Lavos, the subjects are old people, Iraq, and criminal justice. how would you handle these issues?
Lavos: Well, first I'd just kill everyone in Iraq in one blow. That'd take care of that. Then, I'd kill this cocky militant here and take back the WARHEAD THAT HE STOLE FROM ME!!
Viper: you?? I found this rock in Guardia Castle!!! ...I mean, uh...
Crono: !?
CB: Crono? Did you have this first?
Crono: ...n-no comment.
Lavos: as for old people, there will be no old people. everyone would live forever. Something I was glad to offer in my last campaign in Old Zealand before I found out their prime minister was stealing money from me. Needless to say, they had to make a New Zealand.
Zoah: SOME HAVE CALLED YOUR TACTICS BRUTAL AND CRITICIZED YOUR HIVE MENTALITY. PERSONALLY, I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO BE CALLED INDIVIDUALS, WHICH IS WHY I PROMISED THE ART GRANT SHOULD I BE ELECTED.
Lavos: What do I care? Do as I say or I'll get in my Gundam outside and shoot you with my nipples. What do you say to that?? You have nothing to say!!
Serge: I remember those days well, when Gundam Wing would come on Toonami... Oddly, I am reminded somehow of Dragonball Z as well. The days of their airtime together were glorious, and allowed be to fantasize about the characters of both. I miss those days, when we could laugh, cry, love, hate, have tea, smile, and make love in the fields...
Lavos: ...the hell!?
Serge: erm... no comment.
Lavos: No, not you!! (points to his shell outside) hey you!!! What do you think you're doing!!
(out from behind pops Magus and Schala)
Magus: aha!!! I knew you were hiding her in here somewhere!!
Schala: ...Proof that sometimes you can trust the tabloids.
Lavos: You were fused with my shell!!!
Schala: Fused!? You DUCT TAPED me to the inside of it! Without that big suit of yours, you really are helpless.
Lavos: I, I, uh... so... you had the Chrono Cross, huh?
(Magus pulls out an ordinary switchblade knife) : this??? uh, sure... whatever... Oh, by the way, your shell will self destruct in 1 second (boom) oh there it goes.
CB: Magus, it looks like you've taken the center stage once again. is there anything you and your running mate would like to say in closing?
Magus: I don't know if I can beat drunk Fargo in the election, but I can at least assure you that Frog and Lavos are far too weak, and will only strive to be weaker. In my closing statement, I'd simply like to thank Max Factor for my white makeup. And for my new running mate, Schala. Elect me, and maybe she'll tell you where Amelia Earhardt, Jimmy Hoffa, and Elvis are, too!
Poll