Hey. I have made an English version of a short text I wrote for college, which the objective is to be as much of a breeze to read as possible.
As my English is far from what I'd call "Hey, that's a nice English you got there", I was thinking if some of the
crazy-ly literate native English-speaking Compendium users could give me a hand on what I should modify.
Well, here's the thing:
Vicious Circle
I go to school by subway. Every day, I get on the 6 a.m. train and everyday she did so as well. Going back home, by noon, she was always there, too.
I used to ask myself who that pretty girl who always sat alone in the back seat was and why she always had that same sad expression in her face. She was very pretty, with long black hair and green eyes, and had this smart air about her, always carrying a variety books. I saw her every day and I kept thinking to myself that maybe she had problems at home or perhaps some kind of difficulty in making friends or even that she might be sick.
I had this impression that, from time to time, she would stare back at me, when I'd instinctively give her a warm yet directionless smile. And there she stayed, by herself, with her melancholy expression intriguing me more and more each day.
I had thought about talking to her but I couldn’t, either because I didn’t want to bother her or because I was afraid of not knowing how to act in case she started crying, for crying was one of the only things I could imagine her doing. Her expression wasn’t just melancholic, it was the exact same expression people make seconds before they start crying.
After a while, that situation started to bother me. I knew it was mainly curiosity that I felt - after all it’s hard for people to sincerely worry about someone who they don’t know, even if this someone seems to keep all the sadness of the world behind her eyes, including your own. Still, I remained silent. That bothersome sensation made me stop smiling to her.
One day I got on the subway, and it was more crowded than usual. I looked at the back of the train and didn’t see the girl. It then occurred that the train stopped abruptly due to some mechanical defect, staying still for a while. I had my eyes fixed in the clouded sky at the other side of the window, when I felt someone hit my back. I turned around and recognized her face right away. It was the girl of the back seat.
She looked at me, gave me a brief smile, and apologized. It was the first time I saw her smiling and, somehow, that smile ended the bad sensation I had been having when I looked at her. I told her it was no problem and, without me noticing, we started talking. “Couldn’t find an empty seat, huh?” She looked at me, and replied “Yeah. There’s more people than usual, in the train.”
After those quick words, we kept silent. A few seconds later, a message came from the train speakers: “We apologize for the inconvenience. There’s a small problem in the train’s engine. We will be solving it and continuing our ride in a few moments”.
After the message, the silence between the girl and I remained for a while, then she continued, “You always catch this train, don’t you?”. The fact that the girl, who seemed so shy and introspective, was talking to me like that was kind of unexpected.
I answered, “Yeah. You do too, don’t you?” She nodded and kept going, “Yeah, I always see you here.” We kept talking and I saw we had a lot in common. After a half hour or so, the train started running again and by then the moments of silence between us were more pleasant. It was then that I noticed that the girl was looking at me with an expression of someone who wants to ask something. More curious than ever, I promptly replied with an expression of someone who wants to answer something.
She asked me, “I don’t know you very well, and I know I’m being nosy, but... It’s just that I’m very curious about it. You always seemed to be happy and smiling but for a while now you always have this serious face” – And she kept going with a friendly smile, which passed me an air of genuine worry – “I’m sorry, again, for being nosy, but, you know, did something happen to you?”.
That caught me completely by surprise. Apparently she was less shy than myself. I tried to think of a satisfactory answer, maybe witty and unexpected, but such an answer didn’t come to mind. I wanted to tell her how curious I was, too, about her sad expression - but I couldn’t. All I could say was, “Oh, nothing special. Just stuff that happens, you know.” She gave me a look of one who notices the evasion, yet prefers not to continue on the subject, out of respect.
We remained in silence for a few more minutes during which I worked on the idea of opening myself to her. When I finally felt I could ask her what I wanted to ask for so long, she started talking again “Well, I stay in the next station, as you should remember” – I got a red face and she continued – “I’m happy to have met you. I hope someday we get to talk again. Goodbye”.
My jaw dropped and I couldn’t say “bye.” I didn’t understand what she meant by “I hope someday we get to talk again”. “We’ll talk again tomorrow”, I thought.
The other day, when the train arrived at the station where she should have caught it, I waited for her but she didn’t show up. That intrigued me and her words of obvious meaning struck me head on. She had moved, gone away, whatever it was that wouldn’t allow us to see each other anymore. I sat in the back seat with a sad expression of one who was defeated by shyness, uneasiness, or whatever it was that didn’t allow me to say what I should have said. Never again did I see her and from that day onwards I started sitting in the same back seat she used to sit in.
For a few days now, I always see a girl standing next to the train doors, who, from time to time, exchanges looks with me, and gives me a shy smile.
Thanks in advance.
Edit: Damn, I just noticed the four first paragraphs start with a freakin "I". No idea how to change that, though.