Author Topic: Story 1: A Lady's Champion  (Read 4362 times)

Farkas

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Story 1: A Lady's Champion
« on: August 28, 2007, 10:19:57 pm »
Hello ladies and gents!  Here is the first of my stories for this fine event.  You'll hear more about my thoughts on it an what not after the story itself.  I have proof-read it many times but my resident grammar nazi is going to give it a look-over and I'll replace the current one here as soon as I get it back.  Couldn't wait that long to get it posted though!  On with the show!

Btw, it is an attached .doc file as I don't like how it is displayed through Internet Explorer or any web-browser really.

[attachment deleted by admin]

rushingwind

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Re: Story 1: A Lady's Champion
« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2007, 02:53:46 am »
I really liked the story!  :)  The concept is brilliant, illustrating the early days of Zeal and how little they thought of the Earthbound.

ZeaLitY

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Re: Story 1: A Lady's Champion
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2007, 03:39:05 am »
Spoilers

Just finished.

Oh man, the woman's mannerisms foreshadowed the entire thing, and it was almost painful to await the death which inevitably would come for Doan. I liked the descriptions, and I knew that this arena would probably be a coliseum. Weaving the play into it brought to mind the sadistic emperor Nero of Rome, who fancied himself an actor. I was surprised when Jole expressed regret, thinking that Kali at least had some humanity in her heart...but I suppose it's natural, since Jole was the one who actually killed him.

To keep the audience guessing, the only thing I'd change is the note early on that Doan would never see his Earthbound friends again. That sort of sealed it that he would die.

But good show. I felt sorry for Doan and bitter with those who enjoyed the sport, though it wasn't hard to imagine at all given the attitudes of the Zeal people in Chrono Trigger. One can imagine that in more brutal days, such a custom was practiced. Did you choose the name Doan for a stylistic reason?

Farkas

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Re: Story 1: A Lady's Champion
« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2007, 03:24:24 pm »
Spoilers, kind of!

First off, glad you enjoyed it!

I actually expected everyone who reads it to know Doan is going to die.  It's an absolute really, kind of like knowing a ball will fall if tossed in the air.  What mattered was how, when, and why.  This woman played him the entire time, making a show of preparing him to defend her against a demon.  At the end he dies thinking that he was at least doing what was right, protecting someone against a greater evil.  I think that's the real tragedy, not knowing your sacrifie is meaningless.

I also like to think that Kali has a small shred of humanity to give him a vague warning at the outset.  Or you can say she does it to gaurantee her champion is committed to the cause and won't try to back out.  I picture her as a playwright and actor who is totally commited to topping the last show, adding more and more, and willing to sacrifice other's in her endeavor.  The show must go on!

As for Doan, that name was kind of taken at the spur of the moment really.  I also kinda stole it from the old man in the dome in the future.  The name just seemed like it was fit for him though and I couldn't stand changing it to something else.  Is there a weighty past to the name Doan that I am crazy oblivious too?

Again, glad you enjoyed it and you can expect more in the future!

rushingwind

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Re: Story 1: A Lady's Champion
« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2007, 05:12:30 am »
I was thinking about this story again today, and I wanted to ask if you chose the name of Kali for any particular reason? 

I ask because there is a Hindu goddess named Parvati, and she has a demonic form named Maha Kali.  While Parvati is beloved by her followers, Kali is feared as a demonic destroyer who consumes.

I just thought it was a cool coincidence.  :)  Your story is truly incredible in the thought that it stirs within your readers.

Farkas

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Re: Story 1: A Lady's Champion
« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2007, 05:32:46 pm »
Another coincidence sadly.  The name came from my train of thought at the time and for some reason I was thinking about the Kalistar race from Eberron (hence the name of the "capital" that she spoke of).  In the Eberron setting the Kalistar are a race psychic beings(more or less) and their use of crystals and gems made me think of Zeal.  So I decided to borrow that as the capital name.  Afterwards I was thinking of a name for "The Angel" and decided to use the Kali from Kalistar.  In essence she's saying the capital is named after herself, or at least wishing it was.  That isn't it's actual name of course, though poor Doan doesn't know that.  Hopefully that explanation made some sort of sense lol.

Again, glad you enjoyed it!

TheMage

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Re: Story 1: A Lady's Champion
« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2007, 04:20:57 pm »
That was really good! I think you really captured how the earthbound felt about the people of zeal and how the people of zeal saw the earthbound as animals. I loved the discriptions and- it was just amazing. Good job.

ew0054

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Re: Story 1: A Lady's Champion
« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2007, 12:04:50 am »
I read your story over the course of a few nights.  What a great story!  It has a sort of "too good to be true, Twilight Zone feel" to it.  The first thing that struck me was when she brought Doan above the clouds and said that he could never return to the world below.  At that moment, I was putting myself in Doan's perspective, thinking maybe Doan shouldn't have been so quick to do this.  The ending really left me with that feeling in the pit of my stomach!  It was interesting how you tied the story ending into the game's history with the provision of the "cave settlement" (Terra Cave) and "mass labor" (setting the stage for the Ocean Palace).  Great job!