It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, korcha, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling very puzzled, korcha deflowered a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Happy as a frickin' monkey, he realized that his beloved fishing rod was missing! Immediately he called his vicariously jealous friend, mighty mel. korcha had known mighty mel for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were curious ones. mighty mel was unique. She was congenial though sometimes a little... abrasive. korcha called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
mighty mel picked up to a very glad korcha. mighty mel calmly assured him that most venomous koalas sneeze before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually charismatically yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting korcha. Why was mighty mel trying to distract korcha? Because she had snuck out from korcha's with the fishing rod only ten days prior. It was a electric little fishing rod... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before korcha got back to the subject at hand: his fishing rod. mighty mel panicked. Relunctantly, mighty mel invited him over, assuring him they'd find the fishing rod. korcha grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, mighty mel realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the fishing rod and she had to do it aggressively. She figured that if korcha took the rice rocket, she had take at least seven minutes before korcha would get there. But if he took the boat? Then mighty mel would be really screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, mighty mel was interrupted by three insensitive beach bums that were lured by her fishing rod. mighty mel shuddered; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling worried, she recklessly reached for her live hand grenade and recklessly hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the boat rolling up. It was korcha.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, korcha was out of the boat and went exotically jaunting toward mighty mel's front door. Meanwhile inside, mighty mel was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the fishing rod into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind her hammock. mighty mel was concerned but at least the fishing rod was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' mighty mel indiscriminately purred. With a skillful push, korcha opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling self-righteous ass in a wannabe go-fast Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' mighty mel assured him. korcha took a seat ridiculously unclose to where mighty mel had hidden the fishing rod. mighty mel sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But korcha was distracted. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, mighty mel noticed a selfish look on korcha's face. korcha slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
mighty mel felt a stabbing pain in her shin when korcha asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the fishing rod right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on korcha's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. korcha nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before mighty mel could react, korcha recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The fishing rod was plainly in view.
korcha stared at mighty mel for what what must've been ten days. Happy as a frickin' monkey, mighty mel groped indiscriminately in korcha's direction, clearly desperate. korcha grabbed the fishing rod and bolted for the door. It was locked. mighty mel let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, korcha,' she rebuked. mighty mel always had been a little oafish, so korcha knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before mighty mel did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at her or something. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he gripped his fishing rod tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
mighty mel looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from korcha. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for korcha. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. mighty mel walked over to the window and looked down. korcha was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, korcha was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind mighty mel's place. korcha had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral beach bums suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the fishing rod. One by one they latched on to korcha. Already weakened from his injury, korcha yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of beach bums running off with his fishing rod.
About six hours later, korcha awoke, his shin throbbing. It was dark and korcha did not know where he was. Deep in the mysterious secret vineyard, korcha was abnormally lost. Absolutely thrilled, he remembered that his fishing rod was taken by the beach bums. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a misshapen beach bum emerged from the imaginery desert. It was the alpha beach bum. korcha opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the beach bum sunk its teeth into korcha's scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from korcha's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than four miles away, mighty mel was entombed by anguish over the loss of the fishing rod. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened gerbil. With a mighty thrust, she buried it deeply into her love handle. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about korcha... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the fishing rod that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant beach bums, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
LOLz!!1
*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright ©
www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.
http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/
