Fanfiction: Chrono Floss

Zoah calmly sauntered through the front door of the Termina Wal-Mart. A short, feeble looking old man quickly waddled over to him. “Hello, Sir! Welcome to Wal-Mar--Aggh!!” the senior citizen yelled in fright as Zoah used one hand to grab the man and bring him up to eye level.

“I HAVE COME FOR DENTAL FLOSS. WHERE IS IT!?” He bellowed menacingly. The man squirmed and flailed about, struggling to free himself from Zoah’s cold, dead kung-fu grip. “P-p-p-please, s-sir! Don’t kill me!” He pleaded. “UGH…” Zoah sighed, rolling his eyes. “GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.” He said bluntly as he flung him across the building, knocking down easily shattered glassware and breaking the spines of many innocent bystanders in the process. He then dusted off his hands and continued on his trek.

Zoah covered his brow with his right hand and grumbled some swears under his breath as the one in front of him proceeded to take a lifetime to move, forever trapping him in the “Women’s Intimate Apparel” Isle. She was a paraplegic, morbidly obese, Hispanic woman in her late 40’s. She was obviously mentally handicapped in some way, for she rode in a turtle-paced scooter/wheelchair mechanism. Ironically, the breast area of her shirt read “Tasty” in sparkling text. She rode at what seemed to be the speed of One tenth of a mile per decade and Zoah was getting fed-up. He finally lost it and kicked the back of the scooter’s seat with great force. The “Special” customer (along with her wheelchair) flew through the air, sticking a painful landing somewhere in the Frozen Food section. “HOW’S THAT FOR TASTY!?” Zoah yelled in triumph. He proceeded to laugh maniacally, but stopped when he saw the judgeful stares of others. “UH… I’LL JUST… GO OVER THERE…” he said, embarrassed, and ran off like a frightened prepubescent girl.

He stopped running when he reached the dental hygiene isle. “FINALLY! THE END OF MY QUEST IS NIGH!” He announced, relieved. He looked at a lone package of dental floss hanging from a stark looking hook, and then to his archenemy…


“THE DENTAL FLOSS IS MINE!” Zoah barked. Spiderman tried to say something, but only muffles were heard. Why? Because he never cut a mouth hole. Zoah pulled out a furled-up newspaper and brandished it at the Arachnically-modified superhero.”Fwish!” Some random guy yelled from afar, and a battle began.

Bystanders gasped in awe as dynamic camera angles flashed around Zoah and Spiderman. Zoah attacked first by using the element “Furled-Up Newspaper” (as mentioned previously) and caused a plentiful sum of 800 damage. Spiderman quickly retaliated and a long, fierce struggle for Dental Floss ensued. In the midst of the fight, Zoah simply grabbed the floss and proceeded to flee. Spiderman made some more muffles and shook his fist angrily. He kicked up some dust, tears beginning to form in the corners of his eyes.

Zoah gleefully pranced up to the checkout line, slamming the floss down on the conveyer belt. The teenage, acne-ridden, headgear touting cashier scanned it and looked up to him. “That’ll be 1.99, sir” he said squeakily. Zoah yanked out a small, hot pink coin purse and furiously opened the zipper. Only three quarters lay inside.

Zoah stuttered for a little bit, letting out some child-like cries.


From: Fanfiction