Termina Esplanade - Special Events and Feedback > Dream Splash IV - Radical Dreamers [2011]

Atash Kedah Monogatari - Lament of the Damned

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tushantin:
Thank you!  :D


--- Quote from: Lennis on July 16, 2011, 10:42:16 pm ---I have to ask.  Is this line original?  If so, you have a real gift.  :wink:

--- End quote ---

Yeah, except the "glass house" metaphor was used before, I think. Every quote in there is original, though influenced from various sources such as ZeaLitY's entry. I hoped to try a Biblical narrative here than anything else and began loving the style, as I went all out on visual imagination.  8)

tushantin:
Part 2 finished! Relatively shorter than Part 1, but bleh... Part 3 will conclude this story soon.

So here's the thing. Here you'll see Radical Dreamer's Lilith's origins, which was mostly inspired by Jewish, Byzantine and Antiquity folklore. Lovers of real-world witchcraft (or Bartimaeus Trilogy) might find some intriguing easter eggs. Also, Magus' elemental barrier at the Mystic Wars is also explained, but limited to a weak barrier of Shadow Element in this case.

Once again, criticism is welcome!

FaustWolf:
I finally got around to reading everything tushantin, nice work! I can sense all the primordial ooze of a great story (and, more importantly, great writing) stirring around in there.

What's lacking is fulfillment of the reader's desire to spend more time with these characters, learning their wider personalities and motives. That can obviously be traced to the fact that this is essentially a sketch that only captures brief glimpses of the much wider vision you have. I can sense the Dream Daemon concept rearing up here too, and it's so esoteric, you can expect most readers outside our old project gang are going to have a tough time chewing on it in a treatment this brief.

The mysterious (and, if I read it right, intertemporal) relationship between Phoebe and Abbyzou intrigues me. Thanks for the music suggestions too, I love having some media to go along with the writing -- really spices up the prose! And I didn't know Blue Magic had that many awesome tracks floating around.

If you want to develop this particular prose style further and want to seek out examples, I would very highly recommend Tolkien's The Silmarillion. (Ironically, another work where a bunch of awesome stuff is tossed out but underdeveloped simply because there's so much to cover!). If you can reach the breadth of The Silmarillion and the depth of The Lord of the Rings, just imagine -- you'd have a twenty book saga!  :D

TheMage:
I do absolutely love this! I'm in love with your description its amazing! You paint the canvas beautifully and i'm waiting for more!

tushantin:
@TheMage: XD Thankies!

@FaustWolf: Haha, thank you! The Dream Splash not only gave me an opportunity to introduce the Atash Kedah but also to experiment with writing styles (even though I'm horrible with words and archaic grammar).

True, Lament of Damned here is but a simple sketch focusing on Lilith's origins, which could perhaps be a part of the Frozen Flame folklore that is mentioned in Fata Morgana, creating and expanding a fictional culture (because culture makes fiction rich; look at Harry Potter) with mesmerizing and inspiring stories.  :wink: Of course, one big cause for the shortness of the story was my experiments in trying to merge this super-compressed and artistic style with fast-paced development and action, and the unintentional bonus I received was the blissful destruction of "Show and Don't Tell" rule, blurring the lines between Show and Tell indefinitely (or at least I think so).  :D

But the truest reason for lack of development is because I wanted to stay true to RD for Dream Splash and develop it further by only focusing on Lilith's origins. The Atash Kedah in itself is a gigantic saga (so big that I may never finish it alone), an Epic describing the Rise of Zeal and its consequences; Several main characters (at least two from each clan and Earthbound tribes), the conflict between those clans with their own righteous reasons and motives (something like Suikoden 3 and FF6), tying the gap and explaining the Magic system, and Phoebe plays a larger role in the overall Epic than this sketch and thus becoming the first Seneschal as she grows powerful and unbeatable and unstoppable.


--- Quote --- I can sense the Dream Daemon concept rearing up here too, and it's so esoteric, you can expect most readers outside our old project gang are going to have a tough time chewing on it in a treatment this brief.
--- End quote ---
Oops! XDDD I apologize for that, but I thought I'd leave it vague to maintain the old project's freedom of imagination. Erzes is a Foliot and quite alike Masa and Mune, with the same level of power and a good twist; while Masa and Mune were created by Melchoir's dreams and take the form of a sword (or possess it), Erzes is a rogue Dream Daemon from the Shadow Realm and appears in the form of black wings.

But Lilith is a whole other deal, and you already know how. :wink:

Thanks for the recommendation! I'll check it out.

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