What started out as a little joke to me (and me only) has turned into this amazing list concerning the life of an action hero. I was inspired to make this list after reading another list titled “The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord”. If ever you get the chance, Google it and get a laugh out of the list. It’s dated back to the childhood of the internet, so you know it’s legitimate.
Anyways, this list was compiled as a result of years of experience watching movies and TV shows where the action hero in question, no matter how skillful and resourceful he or she is, makes the same mistakes or falls for the same traps over and over again. Sometimes, it’s not even the mistakes of the action hero, but the mistakes made by writers and production designers taken from long-standing conventions of the Action Genre that have since fallen (mostly) out of favor. As such, based on the aforementioned experience, I present to you…
The Top 100 Things I'd do if I Ever Became an Action Hero1. I will have the courage to show my face, not hide behind a mask or make-up.
2. I will be born with a common, everyday name (e.g. Jacob Smith), not a fantastic name which my
enemies can easily identify (e.g. Dirty Harry). If this isn't the case, I will have my name legally changed.
3. I will have the common sense to wear a bulletproof vest to work.
4. As an addendum to the above, I will also wear an athletic cup.
5. I will always assume that my enemy has a decent aim with whatever weapon he or she possesses, whether it's at close range or long range.
6. If a fist fight is unavoidable, I will conduct it in public for eyewitness verification, not in a private setting like an alleyway or an apartment.
7. Shooting will be my last resort, not my first.
8. After I gun down an enemy, I will examine his vitalities to see if he's truly dead, not just walk away and assume that he's dead.
9. I will allow due process of law to punish my enemies, not my vigilante tactics.
10. I will not allow an unsupervised minor to accompany me in my work, for he or she would be a distraction and a risk factor in my mission.
11. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
12. I will shred and destroy any and all documents revealing private information about me or my friends and family, because I wouldn’t want my enemies to guilt-trip me into their nasty schemes using said documents.
13. I will always carry a ready supply of surplus ammunition for my weapon of choice, because I will eventually have to reload.
14. I will always examine an enemy in custody to see if he is carrying a poison capsule or other instant-death item on his person so as to avoid revealing any compromising information before or during interrogation.
15. I will not dismiss any cuts, bruises, or wounds of any sort on my body, but have them treated in the swiftest and most appropriate by a licensed professional of the medical field.
16. I will have a GPS installed in my car with a pre-programmed radio station dedicated to local traffic reports.
17. I will always carry an extra container of gas in the trunk of my car.
18. I will not worry if a bad guy shoots at my gas tank or the extra container of gas while I'm in my car, because I know neither will explode.
19. I will never engage the enemy in a game of chicken, especially in my car, because I know exactly how it's going to end.
20. I will never try and disarm a ticking bomb I've never seen before, especially since no two ticking bombs are the same.
21. I will always own cars under seven thousand dollars, never an expensive luxury car or sports car, because that would suck if it got totaled.
22. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre, compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
23. I will be sure to never stray into any geographic area where there is terrible or no reception for my cell phone.
24. As an addendum to the above, I will always carry a back-up cell phone with a signal-enhancing device built right in.
25. I will not smoke or take drugs to ease my stress, because a healthy, muscular guy who smokes or takes drugs makes a bad role model.
26. If I must have someone accompany me on my mission, he or she must have equal or better martial arts ability, ingenuity, and/or marksmanship.
27. I will have highly various clothing in my closet, never the same outfit worn day after day.
28. I will have a steady income job and have my hero business be an extra.
29. I will never chase an enemy recklessly into a dangerous environment; e.g. steel mill, coal plant, subway tracks, and so on.
30. I will carry a disposable camera on my person so in case an enemy tries to pull a hit-and-run on me, I will snap a picture of the license plate for the DMV to trace.
31. I will resist the temptation to say a bad pun when a criminal dies in a specific context; e.g. He gets hit by a cement mixer– “Now, there’s a concrete solution.”
32. As an addendum to the above, I will resist the temptation to say a bad pun when a crime takes place in a specific context; e.g. someone’s pulling off a bank robbery– “I take it he wants to withdraw.”
33. As another addendum to the above, I will resist the temptation to say a bad pun when I inflict bodily harm to my opponent; e.g. “You like apples?” Kick to the groin. “How do you like them apples?”
34. As an addendum to the previous three, I will resist the temptation to use any and all one-liners.
35. I will always have my car regularly maintained. This way, the engine won’t turn over when I am about to engage in a car chase or escape from a dangerous situation.
36. I will never punch a window without covering my hand first. I could draw blood.
37. I will not fall for that “We’re not so different from each other” sound bite. There are plenty of differences between a villain and a hero.
38. I will not rely on gadgets that defy the laws of physics to get me out of a tight spot; my quick thinking and reflexes are all I have.
39. I will never enter a hostage situation against a group of armed terrorists alone. I will be accompanied by a well-armored squad of SWAT or ATF officers.
40. I will never try and escape being buried alive. There are too many factors affecting my escape. (Thickness of the coffin, earth density, oxygen amount, CO2 poisoning). The best solution is to not get into that situation in the first place.
41. I will never trust a car that doubles as an instant submarine. I’ll just rent some scuba gear and carry my necessities in a water-tight container.
42. I will never be coaxed into a fight with the enemy. I will bide my time and evaluate his strengths and weaknesses before making a move.
43. I will never dive underwater to protect myself from gunfire until I have evaluated what type of gun and ammo my enemy has, and even then I’m still taking a risk.
44. I will always have my parachute and my reserve chute properly folded into my backpack by a certified skydiver so that neither will tangle up on me when I am in freefall.
45. I will not yell at my enemy while in free fall. He won’t be able to hear me.
46. When tracing a phone call, I’ll only need two seconds, not a minute.
47. When I am sniping at my enemies, I will always have my back against a well-fortified wall for protection and so I won’t get hit from behind.
48. As an addendum to the above, I will always snipe in the shadows, so that way I won’t get a glint off my sight scope to give away my position.
49. I will never carry a personal copy of vital police information on my person or at home. I will leave it at the police station.
50. I will never enter a dark room that I’ve never previously entered before. If it’s absolutely necessary and there’s no light switch for me to use (or if there’s a blackout), I will carry a high-powered flashlight and a weapon just in case.
51. I will never tuck n’ roll to escape from a car that’s about to crash. The injuries I sustain will most likely be worse than if I were to hit the airbags.
52. I will always have proper insurance ready for my car in the event of it crashing, catching fire, or careening into a body of water. Hey, a guy’s gotta drive.
53. I will never fire a machine gun for more than two seconds at a time. It’ll most likely heat up to the point of a) being too hot to operate, or b) run out of ammunition sooner.
54. If I were to gain a sidekick or ally, I will have the foresight to run a background check as to whether he or she has worked with my enemy before.
55. I will never chase an enemy up a flight of stairs, because I know he’ll be luring me into a trap. I’ll take an elevator instead to throw him off.
56. I will never try to outrun an explosion. They’re much too fast. I’ll simply lie prone facing away from the explosion with my hands covering my neck.
57. I will never try and operate any class of vehicle that I am not registered to, because their controls would obviously be unfamiliar to me.
58. During a car chase, I will never drive through a random fruit stand. It would wreck my car, and the vendor will get mad at me for ruining his business.
59. I will always assume that the bed of a semi truck is too low for me to clear, even if I were driving a Lamborghini or a Convertible.
60. I won’t be so stupid as to hang from a helicopter leg with one hand or from a helicopter ladder. (Do they still have those?)
61. During a fist fight, I will never wipe off any blood from my cheek or lips. I want to maintain a mental edge over my opponent.
62. If I were to engage in a fist fight on a rooftop, I will always remain in the center, never near the edges where I might fall to my death.
63. In the event of my capture, I will swallow (or other means of disposing of) my real I.D. and have a fake I.D. on hand.
64. If I am bound by ropes, I will not try and burn through them. I could scald my hands, leaving them injured for future use.
65. I will never try and leap from building to building to chase down my enemy. That’s what fire escapes, parkour artists, and tomorrows are for.
66. I will not have an attractive female sidekick. Should I get stuck with one, I will require her to blunt her sexiness to eliminate any distractions for our mission.
67. Should it be required for progress in my mission, I will deliver false information to my enemy in the form of an anonymous source in a remote location at night.
68. If I get a phone call that my loved ones are being held for ransom, I will not lose my cool. I will instead get a trace on them by repeating said phone call at a police station.
69. Should my loved ones get involved with my enemy’s doings, I will require each of them to carry a pistol and learn basic to intermediate marksmanship.
70. As an addendum to the above, I will not start a family. They would make for easy hostages for my enemies.
71. I will carry a realistic prop grenade on my person in the event I am being ambushed en masse by a group of thugs.
72. In case the above fails, I will simply avoid dark alleyways on the way home from work.
73. If ever there were a significant social party at a hotel or someplace similar, I will ask the hotel manager to require a full body search of every entering guest in the event my enemy(s) decides to attend.
74. I will not try and outrace an oncoming train when chasing criminals by car. That is what tomorrows are for.
75. I will not try and slide under a closing garage door to chase my enemy. That’s what my car is for.
76. I will not allow my enemy the luxury of explaining his master plan.
77. Should I ever gain a partner, he or she will be the same age as me ±5 years.
78. As an addendum to the above, my partner will be as well equipped as I am.
79. If ever I’m walking, I’ll break any high speed camera that comes near me.
80. As an addendum to the above, I’ll break any high speed camera that comes near me while I’m emptying my ammo clip or connecting a punch or a kick while I’m in combat.
81. I’ll allow the FBI to help me with an investigation, because I’m not that arrogant.
82. I will fire a .45 caliber gun with two hands.
83. As an addendum to the above, I’ll never duel-wield .45 caliber hand guns.
84. I will never assume that infants and children are immune to mortal danger.
85. I will demand a promotion for saving the day, the world, the hostages, etc. from terrorists, criminals, my enemies, etc., especially after what I went through in order to accomplish such a colossal task.
86. I will never wield a gun sideways like a gang member to make a statement (or improve my recoil). That’s what training at a firing range is for.
87. I will never hide behind a flimsy barrier of any sort to shield myself from gunfire.
88. If ever my enemy was defeated, I would demand a high-profile government agency freeze his assets and confiscate his resources to prevent his return to power.
89. As an addendum to the above, the same will go for my other enemies in the event of their capture.
90. I will never make a verbal agreement with my enemy.
91. If the above is unavoidable, I will cross my fingers on it. A verbal agreement with my enemy is not worth the paper it’s written on.
92. I will never try and jump a gap or an opening ferry bridge during a car chase. Chances are I would crash and die. Besides, that’s what tomorrows are for.
93. I will never trust a map of my enemy’s hideout. It could very well be a trap.
94. If by any minuscule chance my partner turns out to be a double agent, I will have him arrested instantly without the convenience of him explaining himself.
95. As an addendum to the above, even if I do let him explain himself, it won’t erase the fact that he still betrayed me and put my life in jeopardy.
96. I will never allow my emotions to get in the way of my mission.
97. I will never steal a motorcycle or a car to chase my enemies down. I would be setting a bad example on the job.
98. I will own a police scanner, but only use it if I’m allowed to show up.
99. As an addendum to the above, I'll never use a police scanner to engage in personal crime fighting. That would make me a vigilante, which would cost me my job.
100. Finally, when I retire, I will keep all my records in a bank vault along with my assets, never at home where my enemies would easily break into and steal them.
More things I would do if I ever became an Action Hero 101. I will train as a marathon runner whenever I had the free time.
102. I will improve the reloading speed on my most commonly used gun.
103. If I’m ever at the police station, I will portray myself as an upbeat person instead of a world-weary hero dripping with swagger.
104. I will never jump off a roof into a trash bin below. I don’t know what materials are in it, so I could very well hurt myself from the impact.
105. In my spare time, I will watch how-to videos on escaping from hand-cuffs and thick ropes.
Comment away! Heck, quote one (or more) and critique or appraise however you like. This list could use improvement.
Also, feel free to add to the list based on your experience with action heroes as they are currently depicted in popular culture. If it’s really good, it’ll go into the extended list because the Top 100 List is already full.
Hope you enjoyed it. I sure did while making it!
