Author Topic: Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth  (Read 869 times)

Lord J Esq

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Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth
« on: August 06, 2009, 12:54:00 am »
That’s right, The Mishpachah is running this town now, you foolish goyim! We already control the jewelry industry, the real estate industry, the entertainment industry, and the legal and medical professions. The housing bubble? That’s for calling us short. Your prescription drug costs? It’s all for useless sugar pills! Jon Stewart? You think he answers to America?! Ha hah! And your comfortable Levi Strauss jeans which hug your all-American bottom at this very moment? They’re JOO JEANS! That’s right: We’re all up ons. Soon we will complete the final piece of our takeover by silencing your conspiracy theorists and white supremacists, whose vocal naysaying we have inexplicably left untouched up to this point despite our having supreme global power over everything.

It is too late to run! Our hummus and couscous have already infiltrated your favorite dining establishments. Our pastrami sandwiches on rye have won the hearts and minds of your flabby American stomachs! Our gefilte fish have been held up at customs, but they plan to be across the border and in your private homes by Simchas Torah!

Don’t try to defeat us economically, because we have counted all the money and we know what you owe! Don’t try to defeat us scientifically, because it was we who squared the speed of light and we who created atomic weapons! Don’t try to defeat us by running us over with your cars, because we have ways of dealing with that! Don’t try to defeat us militarily, because every time anyone has ever tried that our ALMIGHTY ADONAI has slaughtered them, their families, their countries, and their country’s neighbors. And definitely don’t try to defeat us by tempting us with shellfish and pork products, because most of us secretly love the stuff!!

Your feeble popular music is no match for our colorful klezmer street bands and our utterly enthralling dance trance disco rhythms. Your pitiful boardgames and RPGs are no match for our world-spanning Military-Industrial-Dreidel Complex. You sail the seas; we split them in two. You buy food from the store; we make it fall from the sky. You use mountains for silly things like snowboarding and geocaching; we use them for receiving HOLY COMMANDMENTS and, if we’re lucky, for JEWBOARDING, which is like snowboarding, except it involves filet mignon, expensive automobiles, incredibly hot sex, Jacuzzis, fine wine, and lots of jewel-encrusted jewelry. Ever wonder why it’s called JEWelry? It’s because we’re the bloomin’ Michpacha, and don’t you forget it!



We are The Mishpacha!
We run civilization!
Yeah we’re the Chosen Ones
Of all y’all other nations!
When you hear us chanting sh’ma,
You best reach for that kippah,
Or else it might get ugly. (Like yo’ ma!)
Todah. B’vakasha. Slichah.

We’re not asking much,
Just a trifle really,
And when you hear it said aloud
It almost sounds silly:
We don’t want your souls;
We wanna sell you bagels
For the low price of your firstborn child—
And we’ll add a sour dilly.

We inspired the Greeks!
We invented the Geeks!
We even gave you Saturday
To rest between weeks!
All we want in return
Is power and money,
And global domination
Chased with milk and honey.

Or we’ll foreclose on your houses!
And your cars and your spouses!
It’s in the Sidrei Mishnah
Under “Gentile Louses.”
Yeah the Cake was a lie,
But we’d taken off our Holy Hai
So everything’s still kosher
With the Man up above the sky.

Don’t look in that mezuzah.
It would only confuse ya.
But when you hear us chant the sh’ma
You’d better reach for that kippah!
‘Cause we’re The Mishpachah!
And, don’t you know, it’s a mitzvah
To chant the hella holy sh’ma?
Todah. B’vakasha. Slichah.

(And maybe afterwards the veahavta.)
(And the amida.)
(And an aliyah.)
(And then we’ll have oneg.)
(And nothing rhymes with oneg.)
(Maybe Walter Koenig?)
(Nah, he pronounces it wrong.)
(So it's the end of the song.)




And let me be the first to  :picardno this topic. =D

FaustWolf

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Re: Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth
« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2009, 01:11:14 am »

« Last Edit: August 06, 2009, 01:18:11 am by FaustWolf »

ZaichikArky

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Re: Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth
« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2009, 01:13:49 am »
OMG V IS GOING TO LOCKE THIS TOPIC I KNOW IT!!!!!

Also, the best song about Jews isn't that, it is....

"Pretty Fly For A Rabbi"

Veren zol fun dir a blintsa

(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly for a rabbi

Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho

Our temple's had a fair share of rabbis in the past
But most of 'em were nudniks and none of 'em would last
But our new guy's real kosher, I think he'll do the trick
I tell ya, he's to dies for - he really knows his shtick

So how's by you? Have you seen this Jew?
Reads the Torah, does his own accounting too
Workin' like a dog at the synagogue
He's there all day, he's there all day
Just say "Vay iz mir!" and he'll kick into gear
He'll bring you lots of cheer and maybe bagels with some shmeer
Just grab your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!

(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly (for a rabbi)

He shops at discount stores, not just any will sufice
He has to find a bargain 'cause he won't pay retail price
He never acts meshugga and he's hardly a schlemiel
But if you wanna haggle, oy, he'll make you such a deal!

People used to scoff, now they say "Mazel tov!"
He's such a macher 'cause he worked his tuchis off
Yeah, he keeps his cool and teaches shul
What's not to like? What's not to like?
On high holy days, you know he prays and prays
And he never eats pastrami on white breath with mayonnaise
Put on your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!

When he's doing a Bar Mitzvah, now that you shouldn't miss
He'll always shlep on down for a wedding or a briss
They say he's got a lot of chutzpah, he's really quite hhhhhip
The parents pay the moyl and he gets to keep the tip

(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey

Meccha leccha hi, meccha meccha cholly ho

He's doin' well, I gotta kvell
The yentas love him, even shicksas think he's swell
Show up at his home, he says "Shalom"
And "Have some cake - you want some cake?"
Yah, he calls the shots, we really love him lots
Oy gevalt, I'm so ferklempt that I could plotz
So grab your yarmulka
The one you got for Chanukah
Let's put on our yarmulkas and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!


Someone needs to make an awesome music vid. I haven't found any good ones.

Lord J Esq

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Re: Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth
« Reply #3 on: August 06, 2009, 01:16:26 am »
I hiss @ Your Pope! And his little dog too! Hiss!

FaustWolf

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Re: Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth
« Reply #4 on: August 06, 2009, 01:18:22 am »

Romana

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Re: Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth
« Reply #5 on: August 06, 2009, 01:26:10 am »
Nothing I reply with can possibly be worthy enough of this.

So here's the rundown on Hovis bread, from Wikipedia:

Quote
Hovis is a UK brand of flour and bread, now owned by Premier Foods.

The name was coined by London student Herbert Grime in a national competition set by S. Fitton & Sons Ltd to find a trading name for their patent flour which was rich in wheat germ. Grime won £25 when he coined the word from the Latin phrase hominis vis – "the strength of man".

The Hovis process was patented on 6 October 1887 by Richard "Stoney" Smith (1836–1900), and S. Fitton & Sons Ltd developed the brand, milling the flour and selling it along with Hovis branded baking tins to other bakers. They became Hovis Limited in 1918. They also ran a mill in Macclesfield.

After a succession of mergers, Hovis eventually became part of Rank Hovis McDougall in 1962, now the quoted food conglomerate RHM, which also owns the Mother's Pride and Nimble bread brands. The bread making division has been known as British Bakeries since 1955.

The Hovis part of the business still specialises in high wheatgerm wholemeal flour, the bread being baked independently.




the tomato is just so fitting

Lord J Esq

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Re: Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth
« Reply #6 on: August 06, 2009, 01:30:21 am »
Nothing I reply with can possibly be worthy enough of this.

So here's the rundown on Hovis bread, from Wikipedia:

Quote
Hovis is a UK brand of flour and bread, now owned by Premier Foods.

The name was coined by London student Herbert Grime in a national competition set by S. Fitton & Sons Ltd to find a trading name for their patent flour which was rich in wheat germ. Grime won £25 when he coined the word from the Latin phrase hominis vis – "the strength of man".

The Hovis process was patented on 6 October 1887 by Richard "Stoney" Smith (1836–1900), and S. Fitton & Sons Ltd developed the brand, milling the flour and selling it along with Hovis branded baking tins to other bakers. They became Hovis Limited in 1918. They also ran a mill in Macclesfield.

After a succession of mergers, Hovis eventually became part of Rank Hovis McDougall in 1962, now the quoted food conglomerate RHM, which also owns the Mother's Pride and Nimble bread brands. The bread making division has been known as British Bakeries since 1955.

The Hovis part of the business still specialises in high wheatgerm wholemeal flour, the bread being baked independently.



Are you calling the Jews soft?! And white?! And delicious?! How dare you, sir? How dare you. It's all true of course...

the tomato is just so fitting

I'm gonna let that slide this time because it looks like it has spiky hair, and I can get behind that 100 percent.

Truthordeal

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Re: Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth
« Reply #7 on: August 06, 2009, 01:36:29 am »
At first glance, I was all like "Oro?"

But now I'm like, hahahahahahahaha, wtf, hahahahahah!


Romana

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Re: Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth
« Reply #8 on: August 06, 2009, 01:41:50 am »
I'm gonna let that slide this time because it looks like it has spiky hair, and I can get behind that 100 percent.

It's anime hair.



50 points to anyone who gets this

Truthordeal

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Re: Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth
« Reply #9 on: August 06, 2009, 01:52:24 am »
Big O reference. The face is Roger Smith's, the tomato is some freaky deaky whack job thingy from the series.

Captain B

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Re: Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth
« Reply #10 on: August 06, 2009, 01:57:02 am »
 no way that's clearly a rare image of Golgo 13 before he looked like Spock.

V_Translanka

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Re: Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth
« Reply #11 on: August 06, 2009, 02:05:42 am »
I love that me Locke-ing nonsensical threads has become a punchline! :lol: Or wait...do I hate it? Should I have posted in the Stuff You Love thread or the Frustration?!? Does it make me feel uncomfortable? Elated? Disappointed? Honored? Am I hungry (holy shit, I am!)? I can't tell...I don't understand this thread enough to actually do that though, ZaichikArky.

Well, here's Locke in case you were just missin' FF's best thief...

« Last Edit: August 06, 2009, 02:07:48 am by V_Translanka »

Lord J Esq

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Re: Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth
« Reply #12 on: August 06, 2009, 02:24:18 am »
Call. Him. A. Treasure Hunter.. Or ZeaLitY will rip Rush Limbaugh's lungs out.

On second thought, let's have a round of applause for everyone's favorite thief!

Truthordeal

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Re: Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth
« Reply #13 on: August 06, 2009, 02:30:48 am »
Call. Him. A. Treasure Hunter.. Or ZeaLitY will rip Rush Limbaugh's lungs out.

We need to provoke him to do that?

Samopoznanie

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Re: Jews Are Taking Over the Compendium & Earth
« Reply #14 on: August 06, 2009, 02:56:43 am »
Since Zaichik has introduced a musical theme to things, here's another sprinkling of on-topic lyrics from Frank Zappa.  :lol:

Jewish Princess (from 1979's 'Sheik Yerbouti')

I want a nasty little jewish princess
With long phony nails and a hairdo that rinses
A horny little jewish princess
With a garlic aroma that could level tacoma
Lonely inside
Well, she can swallow my pride

I want a hairy little jewish princess
With a brand new nose, who knows where it goes
I want a steamy little jewish princess
With over-worked gums, who squeaks when she cums
I dont want no troll
I just want a yemenite hole

I want a darling little jewish princess
Who dont shit about cooking and is arrogant looking
A vicious little jewish princess
To specifically happen with a pee-pee thats snappin
All up inside
I just want a princess to ride
Awright, back to the top...everybody twist

I want a funky little jewish princess
A grinder; a bumper, with a pre-moistened dumper
A brazen little jewish princess
With titanic tits, and sand-blasted zits
She can even be poor
So long as she does it with four on the floor
(vapor-lock)

I want a dainty little jewish princess
With a couple of sisters who can raise a few blisters
A fragile little jewish princess
With roumanian thighs, who weasels n lies
For two or three nights
Wont someone send me a princess who bites
Wont someone send me a princess who bites
Wont someone send me a princess who bites
Wont someone send me a princess who bites


That was the first album I bought on LP, when I first began collecting them in high school. I played this one quite a bit during lunch hours. LPs were great for that, only about 45 minutes, the perfect running time for a lunch break and then back to class. Ah, memories...