Author Topic: Hilarious Story  (Read 567 times)

ONSLAUGHT

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Hilarious Story
« on: August 19, 2008, 06:08:26 pm »
I was going through things I printed off a long time ago, in the 1990s, and I found this story I printed. I read it to see why I printed it off, and I remembered because it was just so funny! Flaws are everywhere and I will not change spellings or ANYTHING. This is exactly how it is wrote. Please note I will put up pieces at a time because it does have chapters, even if they are short.
Here is the 1st few chapters for now...

CHAPTER 1:

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CHAPTER 1:
 The monster within the cave next to our village comes out every 500 years. My name is Crono. I'm 16, todays the day of the carnival and I've got 200 smackaroos, woo hoo! I raced on over their to see my friend, Lucca's invention. It's supposed to teleport people. I hope it woks, because I promised her I'd try it out. "Hey Crono, where've ya been. This crowd is dying to see a show!," Lucca was yelling. "That's no way to talk to a friend!"I said. "Whatever. Look, I desperatly need you to do this okay? Cause otherwise I'll lose my job!" Oh yeah. By the way, Lucca has a job at the carnival every 6 years and gets paid $500! Wow! Anyway, I hopped on in. FLASH! In an instant, I was ina different time period. Then Lucca came out of nowhere. I told her, "Lucca, quiet. I thought I heard laughs coming from that bush." All of a sudden, a goblin popped up. "Die ya little freak-azoid! Aaaahh!" I slashed away with my wooden sword. "Lucca.", I'yelled, "You're machine back-fired and sent us to the medival times!" "Sorry! But don't worry. You won't so all the fighting.,"Lucca looked at the Goblin. She picked up something. "See! I'll use this metal hammer to give any monster that attacks us a good ol' clonk in the head." she hesitaitded for a second. I whispered, "What's wrong? Cat got yer tounge or something? Ha, ha,! Why aren't you laughing?" Lucca started charging after something. "Eeeww. This is no ordinary kind of bird at all!," Lucca was squealing. I responded, "That's no bird Lucca." "What is it then?" "That's a zombie!"

Well, there is Chapter 1, and here is the second of 10...(I know it makes no sense, that's what's so funny about it though)

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CHAPTER 2:
 "Aw god! That's just plain sickining!, " I yelled. "I think I'm gonna hurl!", Lucca gargled. So we left the mountain and the dead body. And fast. After that we checked out town and asked around a few questions like, "Why are so many monsters roaming the area?," and, "Why's everyone out at war?" Some townsfolk answered our question, but, eeiuck! You would'nt want to know what it was. Our second response answered all of our other questions. A vampire named Magus, is leading Magus's army to war. Flea, she is destroying the bridge, so no one may invade their base. Slash, he attacks the castle, from the inside all by himself! Last of them is, Ozzie. He's a big lug who does nothing but bark orders. We were ever so lucky to make it to the church alive. We saw a big battle going on at the bridge. When w got inside the church, monsters were everywhere. "Lucca, we can't take them all on! We're dead-meat!," I roared over the fight. "You little sasquashes again! I warned you get out or else. Now you're gonna get it!," said a voice swinging and slashing through the crowd. Cwaching! ClanG! Swish. After the fight, the young warrior introduced himself. "Greetings. Thus be namethed Glenn. You looking for thy Queen?" I played along thinking it was a game, "Uuuuhh, yeah sure." Glenn pushed open a door speaking, "Then follow me." So we followed Glenn on inside to the wonders of danger and combat and etc. Just before we entered the main domain, we bumped into aa little goblin. "Pay with 50, 000 bucks or get lost, squirts!," it spoke. Glenn stepped forth. "Let us pask Phillip or becometh tuna sandwich you shall!" "Bring it on, frog boy!" I slashed at the big pest and zapped him. "Cool, I know magic abilities now!," I freaked. "The chanceller is still an old man in the past? Weird., " I heard Lucca in the lobby. "Vwaaa. So, a hero and his heroine sidekick.," spoke the chancellor, turning around. "Eew. He looks like a, a, a, a," 'a vampire slash zombie you say? And you wish to stop me, eh?," he interuppted. Then I stepped forward saying, "You mean two heroes you traitor!" Then the chancellor clapped his hands mumbling, "The traitor part you correct wise guy. But two heroes you are wrong." "Whaddya mean?" Glenn stepped to the chancellor's side with ascary grinn and cocked head, pluse red glowing eyes. "I mean their is two traitors. Blah, ha Vwa bah ha, ha, ha!"

I don't have the time to do it all at once but tell me what you think of these two...

EDIT: And now that I am done with a second shower after a mud battle with the local kids(I like to play/entertain as well without being a petophile, we were playing football and it was raining before I wrote this)
The "exciting" next few chapters...

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CHAPTER 3:
"You see Crono, Glenn was leading you to my place the whole time, under my control. Sure, I could have turned you evil too, but I realized, you have seen too much of my evil plan to live. And now, Glenn! You may eliminate of them." I withdrawed my sword, but Lucca hit a device out of his ear. She spoke up, "Hey, you mind-controlled him!" Glenn went unconnciouss. "That's it! You've been asking for it! You wanna piece of me? You, want a piece of me? Well, come and get it!," I screamed at he top of my lungs as I slashed him in half. "C'mon everybody! Let's get out of here!," I shouted over the earthquake. We all got justbehind the ruins safely. "Hey Lucca, look familier?" "Yeah, That looks like a time portal!" I sighed, "Duh! That is time portal! Now Come on, let's hop on in and get out of here." "Wait." We heard a voice and was startled. But then, thank goodness, we realizied it was Glenn, waking up. I was really starting to get annoyed. "If, we enter that thing, we don't know where we'll go." I was already in, with Glenn on my shoulder. "Ooohhh." Lucca sighed, then hoped on in. "What is that?", Glenn asked. Lucca was plugging her ears. "He's right Crono! Theres loud music playing!" We followed the sound and then realized something awful about the place we were at. It was our time period. But we weren't home. We were at... Medina Village.

GASP! A skipping of plot? Yeah, it'll do that... A LOT...Let's keep reading...

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CHAPTER 4:
 "This village will riot on us Crono! Now what are we going todo?!", Lucca kept saying that alot on our trip. But, hey, she had a good reason. We were after all, in, Medina Village. For you may know the Medina's as nice guys but, back when I was ayoungster, medina's hated human beings. So we were pretty frightend. We went to the shop and wanted to buy some weapons. Example, Galaxy Blade would normaley cost #1, 006, 480. But the Medina gave us three humans a special price. You won't believe how much he charged for a Galaxy Blade, $1, 015, 567, 910, 043, 627! "I demand a new price or else!," I said, slamming my fist on the table so hard, a pot shattered. "Well, well, well. You break it, you buy it. $18, 000, 001!," the Medina said. I took out my sword ready to cut him in two, the fat pig. Then he noticed the blade I was ready to draw. He took out a little radio. "Hey! Security, I need yer 3 best thugs. These "humans" are armed with some pretty powerful weapons!" Out of nowhere, three Ogres leaped at us! We took out our weapons fully and started heading for a big battle. Course, Unfourchuntly, those ogres kicked our butts. Then, they each picked one of us up and carryed us away. I heard them mumbleing something like "the cave?" "the cave." Then I stopped thinking. It felt like my mind was being scrambled. then it hit me. Literitley. We were thrown on in there. The place we were at was, was, what was the place the ogres talking about? Suddenly, a craboar came out of nowhere. It was ready to chop us up into it's dinner when Lucca picked up a torch and threw it. The craboar ran off, burning in flames. It was a horrible sight to see. We went on, searching for an escape. "Alas! A way of escapeth from thee dreaded cave!" Only one f us could speak in an opera like voice, Glenn. I put my hand to my mouth and called out, "Hey Glenn! Dude, where are ya?" I and Lucca heard a battle going on in a hall path to the left. We looked in and were amazed at what we were seeing. Glenn was battleing the mother craboar...and controllig the water in the area! We watched the fight go on until, "Aaaahh!" Glenn was on the ground. The craboar was about to chomp through his skin and bones. Lucca whispered to me, "Crono, you gotta think up a plan!" "But I don't know what to do!" Lucca was starting to get worried for Glenn. "Crono, you got to. If we don't take action right now... Glenn will be killed!"

Oh dear! Glenn is about to be attacked by a craboar! Whatever that is! I dunno, I assume it's a giant crab, or maybe it's talking about the boss in the Mystic's Cave? Cause that definetly wasn't called a craboar.

AAAAAAAAAAND... Here it is the next set!(Gonna try and do this quickly so you don't have to go back and read again and again and again, get it all there.)

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CHAPTER 5:
"I, I, I...", I was studdering when Lucca ran out into battle. "If you wat Glenn, you'll have to go through me!,"she yelled. While he had his chance, Glenn started crawling away. Unfortenutley, Lucca was thrown toward the wall, going unconcious.(But she did put up a good fight.) Then I heard chomping. I turned toward the fight. Glenn was eaten by the mother craboar! He wasn't chewed.(thank goodness) But he was swallowed. Now the mother craboar was walking torward his next meal, Lucca. I had to think. When suddenly, I shocked. But there was nothing electric in there. Then I realized, I knew electricity magic!(chapter 2)The craboar was water covored, and electricity reacts painfully to water. I released energy, and on out, slashed the craboar and took action. The mother threw up and Glenn started running for the exit. The exit looked far away but Glenn made it! I grabbed Lucca and ran for my life! Who knows what lies behind this portal?

And in the next chapter we get to meet new characters, seriously. Some of these things never even happen in Chrono Trigger, don't know where they got it from...

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CHAPTER 6:
We all exited for goodness sake. Glenn gasped for breathe. Lucca was still outcold. "Look, and be quiet about it!", I whispered. When Glenn saw what I was pointing at, he froze in fear. I asked him, "Where are we?" He responded, "We're on the other side of the bridge." Just then he said, "Look, it's...Magus!" "Who?", I questioned. He answered "The king of evil!" We watched as he commanded his army of the cruel. "Um, M, Mu, Mu, Magus, your sire, my lord. Um, what if our, um, plan...(gulp)fails?", feared one of Magus's troops. "Fail? faaaiiilll!?'We will not FAIL!," and with that, Magus released an incredibly amazing evil force he liked to call the Dark Matter. All of a sudden, a big pyramid appears from no where. It flashed, then disappeared. The soldier dropped dead. Magus hissed, "Now, are there any other disbelivers?" I stood up, "Ya got one ri,". Glenn pulled me down, and fast. "Huh?! Hmmm. Move, out!," Magus was getting suspicious. I made a break for the woods. I ran down the hill and smacked right into some high tech guy with a wild hair-doo. He took out some laser cannons and I withdrawed my sword. We both yelled at the same time,"All right, evil doer, who are you and what is your purpose?!" I said, "I am Crono, who are you?" He responded, "The name's Rocket. Say, have you seen a time machine in the area?" "No I haven't.," I said. Then I thought, time machine eh? I could go back to my own time period. So I called, "Wait, would you like to join us, we're trying to get home too." "Sure.", he responded. Then Lucca(she's finally awake!)and Glenn running toward us. They also had a robot with them. Lucca gasped, "Good work R-106, you found him!" "Don't you think his names a bit too long?," Rocke interuppted. "Crono, who's this guy?," Lucca asked. I answered, "Lucca, I'd like you to meet, Rocket." "Hello," Rocket said. "H, h, h, h, h,"Lucca blushed, and then collapsed. "Why we not callth him, Robo?," Glenn wondered. "I:like it.Beep boop boop. Robo:terminator of:beep, beep:evil.," Robo said. So then we decided to look around the other side of the bridge, when Robo tripped over something. "Can it be? is it possible? It is!," Glenn exclaimed. I pandered, "What, what? Woah, a half of, the legendary Masamune!"

Well I guess I'll work now on the next few. In the meantime enjoy up to here.

Here are the next ones.

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CHAPTER 7:
"And I thought it was just a legend," said Lucca. Now normally, we would dash toward the mountain where a monster guarded the other half. But Flea(chapter 2) noticed the sword and tied to take it. So I jumped in it's path and was hit. Then Rocker took out a laser, uh, thingy and started firing. Flea was hit again and again. Eventually she fell to her doom. "What's this?", Lucca asked as she picked up a neckalace from around Flea's neck. Rocket then blurted,"I hear him." He ran off. "MAAAAGUUUSS!"

A shorter one and so are the next three.

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CHAPTER 8:
Rocket found Magus talking with Ozzie. "Please sir, may I use the tower restroom?", Ozzie begged. But Magus said,"Go "potty', in the forest." Ozzie said,"Okay. Hey sire 2 things. One, ZI fell down a hill, got stung by bees and broke my spine. Two, Rockrts right over there." Rocket stepped forward. "Shall we we, get things, started?", Magus questioned. The two then got into a fearsome fight. Magus actally ended up retreating. "Hello, somebody, help.," Ozzie ordered. Rocket went back to the others. Crono said, "Slash was taken care of." Rocket responded that, "Magus is all that's left then, so lets do this thing." Ozzie yelled, "I'm still here, and I have to go potty!"

And the last one for now, I'm taking a break.

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CHAPTER 9:
We caught back up with Rocket. Lucca was pretty mad. "Where in the world did you think you were going?!" she yelled. Rocker replied, "I had to fight Magus. When he was trying to cast a spell, he needed a human sacrifice. So he brought me here. But then Crono found me! I wanted revenge..." He said. "So, where are the others?" "Oh, they're off." Lucca said. "They're getting the other half of the Masamune for Crono to wield." "Sweet. Let's go meet up with them." Rocket said. "No, they wanted us to go to the stone that leads to Magus' cave. They shoukd be there by now!"

Come back later tonight and I should have it finished.
Alright, last edit on this post, cause it's the last chapter of the terribly spelled, horribly out of place, completely bizarre, version of what is apparantly a Chrono Trigger Short Story.

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CHAPTER 10:
Sure enough, the other were there at Magus' cave. Crono had the full Masamune and slashed through the stone. A forest lie before them. "Well, let's going!", I said. We all charged forward. The woods were dirty and bushy. Suddenly from behind a tree, a duckman with a sword jumped out. "Hello there." he said. Glenn gasped and pointed "It's Slash." He cried. Lucca took out her hammer. Robo charged forward and threw a bomb. Slash dodged it and shoved Lucca aside. He started jabbing me with his fingers. I felt paralyzed. Slash took out his sword ready to slash me to pieces. Glenn jumped forward and tried to grab the Masamune. He didn't have the ability to do so and took the slash. Rocket came from ehind and threw Slash at the bomb. Robo said "Remote:bomb." It blew up and Slash went flying. We entered a castle and found Magus. "Magus!" We all cried! Magus just snickered. "Bring it on. I have the power of a god. I don't even need Rocket anymore." This angered Rocket. "I'm not good enough huh?! Die!!!" Rocket shot a laser thing but Magus threw a dark net to catch it. Magus now snapped his fingers and Robo started dying. "No!" I said. I ran to his side and tried to help him out. "Hit:hit:Hit me baby one more time!" Robo blew up. I became enraged. Lucca, Glenn, and Rocket were fighting him. Rocket fired blasts at him Magus used Lucca as a human sheeld. She fainted. This got Glenn ticked. Glenn slashed at him but Magus defended. "That was too close!," Magus thought. He grabbed Glenn and rolled him out the window. He looked at me and saw the Masamune. This made him snap. he rushed toward me with the Dark Matter. Rocket got up and dashed too. "Magus, no!"he said as he got in the way. He took the hit, blood all over him as he fell in my arms. Now I snapped. I begun to slash at Magus like a madman. Magus could barely keep up. I got him with a left. I spun and knocked him down. Then I summoned an unbeleivable amount of power. "Luminare!" I screamed. He was dying. Magus looked at me and said, "Good work brat..."he passed out. Later a few weeks, we held a funeral for Robo and Rocket. "I shall never forget thee." Glenn said. After all this... we went back to the portal that brought us to Medina Village. We said goodbye to Glenn and left. We were back at the transporter of Lucca's though. No one knew what happened almost as if only a few seconds had passed... "Um, ta-da?" Lucca said. The crowd cheered. I started to leave. "Wait Crono! Where are you going?! Don't you want the fame and glory?" Lucca asked. I told her, "I'm going home to do the only thing I wanted to do. Get a keychain at the carnival and sleep the rest of the day off!" I walked off and grabbed my keychain that was shaped like a time machine. "...naw..." I said. I put the keychain back and slept the rest of the day, only to have a dream about what happened. I really enjoyed showing up Rocket and Glenn. Crappy opera singer speaker or whatever talk that is. Such crap.
THE END

Apparantly on the back cover(they drew a front and wrote on the back)they actually planned on making MORE of these! Something about Magus returning and summoning a goddess of plants to kill everyone.

So there you have it, the whole tale of Chrono Trigger as told by, the person didn't put their name on the cover. Or anywhere.
« Last Edit: August 19, 2008, 09:45:58 pm by ONSLAUGHT »

V_Translanka

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Re: Hilarious Story
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2008, 06:14:05 pm »
Hello CTNP~!! :lol:

ONSLAUGHT

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Re: Hilarious Story
« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2008, 07:09:10 pm »
Well, there we go, it's all done now!

And this is an insult in everyway to CTNP.  :lol:
« Last Edit: August 19, 2008, 09:46:35 pm by ONSLAUGHT »

Kilfer

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Re: Hilarious Story
« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2008, 09:52:22 pm »
So I'm familiar with CTNP, buuut I'm curious about what the tension is with them/him/it/thing? . . .

ONSLAUGHT

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Re: Hilarious Story
« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2008, 09:55:22 pm »
This has nothing to do with them, I'm saying I found this a long time ago and decided to put it up. It's somebody else's idea of a Chrono novel story sort of thing.

Mitchr90

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Re: Hilarious Story
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2008, 10:04:15 pm »
"I hope it woks"
lawl