I wanted to offer a few short comments on the general tone of advice given to ZeaLitY earlier. Here are some relevant quotes:
I would choose tolerance in favor of my ideal, I know for a some one like fact J esq would probably choose the opposite.
But on a side note, perhaps you should be a little less strict about what you are looking for in a relationship? If you are too strict, then you may never find happiness.
These are good intentions, but totally beneath the complexities of the real world. This advocacy for undiscerning tolerance, which does not take into account the thing being tolerated, is seriously ill-considered. Not only is such tolerance not virtuous; it is actively demeaning to the person who holds it. In large part, we define ourselves by what we embrace and what we reject, and to what degrees.
The religious question happens to be a very important one to ZeaLitY. He himself already pointed out that he isn't going to reject potential partners if they aren't video game fans or don't exercise every day. He even said that he would still be willing to pursue a relationship with this person, provided she wanted the same, despite the fact that she is spiritual and he is not. The thing that was really gnawing at ZeaLitY all this time was not that she isn't with him on the religion question. What was really gnawing at him was that he felt he was not expressing himself honestly, not representing himself honestly, and that that was poisoning a relationship built upon mutual respect, shared confidence, and the free exchange of ideas.
For many people, the religion (or lack thereof) of one's partner is of less importance than it is to ZeaLitY at this point in his life. Those people would not have needed to do what ZeaLitY did, which was to fire off a revelatory e-mail making clear that his nonreligious views are important to him and that he must be free to express them in any healthy relationship. Others might not have needed to do that, but he did. We each can shape our identity only so much, and only so quickly. Beyond that, we must be who we are...or else suffer the psychological consequences of self-denial.
I didn't see the e-mail he wrote; maybe ZeaLitY was more incendiary than he needed to be. But, however he conducted himself, he was right to make the point that he made to her, because by doing so ZeaLitY was setting himself up in the best possible way: If she were receptive, she would make that clear and the relationship would become more mature. And if she were not receptive, that would be good to know at this point in their relationship, before things became more serious. As it turned out, it sounds like she promptly cut off their relationship...the more painful of the two possible outcomes, but far better than the status quo that would have been maintained had ZeaLitY said nothing.
Those of you who advocate for tolerance without considering the costs and circumstances of it would perhaps have chosen differently than ZeaLitY did. In this case, all it would have gotten you is the continuance of a relationship that you feel is smothering you. This is a hallmark of conventional moral thinking. Tolerance in one's interpersonal relationships can be a great virtue—not least because it accommodates other people in a world where concord and harmony are ever in short supply. Yes, it
can be a virtue, but only when it does not require one to become a hypocrite or a liar, as either would undermine not both the relationship and the individual.
I also find it remarkable that when people thought it was ZeaLitY who was considering breaking off the relationship, people here advised him to be more tolerant and thoughtful, but, when it became clear that she was the one who was considering breaking it off, people instead told ZeaLitY to be honest with her about his views, stand back, and wait for her to decide for herself how she wanted to proceed. Indeed, that second set of advice was good. But that's not what they told ZeaLitY in the first place.
The bottom line: Mutual tolerance is always present in a mature relationship. However, so too is personal conviction. And when the two contradict each other, the relationship has to end. It is regrettable, but life is like that sometimes. So say J.
Now, on another topic:
I hate thinking about the future. When I do, I get this weird feeling in my chest and I can't sleep due to inexplicable nightmares.
That is the sign of a life lived poorly. You should learn who you are and declare your intentions to the world. You'll sleep better...and you'll have something good to think about when you're awake.
Since this is the frustration thread and all, I want to say how frustrating I find it when people make such statements about the future. What an unfortunate way of thinking! It reminds me of the scene at the end of the Tyrano Lair, shortly before the Reptite civilization is destroyed. (Nice metaphor for what it gets you.)
