Author Topic: Writing Critique  (Read 4647 times)

Symmetry

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« Reply #15 on: October 20, 2004, 12:37:07 pm »
Er, were laid out can be present or past tense depending on the context, correct? If it were present, that would make it passive.

I think.

Still, this looks like an instance were all verbs don't need to be in the same tense to me - the description is split up to allow for it.

Or maybe I'm allowing Italian to bleed into my English. English allows for multiple tenses in a sentence in some circumstances, right?

Not that it matters. I'm just curious now.

V_Translanka

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« Reply #16 on: October 21, 2004, 05:59:19 am »
Uh, I just freakin' learned about the differences of lay & lie in class buck-o (English 100/Business English REPRESENT!)... :lol:

lay IS present tense for 'to lay something down'. This type of lay always takes an object.

Lay-->Laid-->Laid-->Laying

An easy way to realize if the word your looking for is 'laid' is when you can replace it with the word 'place'.

BUT lay is ALSO past tense of lie, as it 'that is where he lies down during the day'. This word, lie, means to be doing nothing.

Lie-->Lay-->Lain-->Lying

Laid is the present perfect tense of lay (in conjunction with the word have or has), so it does not work in the sense of that sentence. 'Were laid' is not the proper combination of words...'were lain' is, but not 'were laid'. Were laid implies that someone placed the mountains there...The sentence merely states that the villages are sitting there, doing nothing...Thusly, they lay at the bases of the mountains...

Hey, now that I look at it...shouldn't it be the 'base' of the mountains?

Leebot

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« Reply #17 on: October 24, 2004, 10:51:04 am »
One little thing in Symmetry's post:

Another member with a deep voice piped up in an obviously mocking tone.

Leebot

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« Reply #18 on: October 31, 2004, 09:57:16 am »
Just a little typo in Aitrus' post:

Quote from: Linguo
Her having that knowledge would be a risk he wouldn't take.


PS. Yes, I know I'm being anal; that's the point of this thread.

Radical_Dreamer

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« Reply #19 on: October 31, 2004, 06:59:55 pm »
[[OOC: The much awaited continuation of the jail break. V_T, let me know any changes you want to make.]]

Chapter 21: Jailbreak!

The blue haired stranger regarded Argus carefully.

"If I let you use this, you must also free my companion."

"Consider it done. But we must hurry."

The stranger took his amulet, and passed it through the food opening of his cell. Argus took it, and a moment later, the stranger's cell was open. The stranger narrowed his gaze.

"Time is of the essence. Take me to your friend's cell."

The stranger walked out of his cell, and started walking quickly down the hall. As they passed cells, they opened, and the prisoners within rushed out. Argus and the stranger finally came to a cell with a young woman in it. She looked up sadly, and when her eyes focused on the stranger, they lit up.

"Gil!" she exlaimed as she rushed toward him. "How did you get out?"

"This man helped me," the man now identified as Gil said, as he indicated to Argus.

"The guards will be coming soon," Argus said as he opened the woman's cell. "The other prisoners will provide us some cover, but if they are out of their cells too long, the Nanashi will be called in."

"The who?" the woman asked, but Argus had already started walking down the hall quite quickly. She hurried to catch up with Argus. "Who are you, anyway?" she asked.

"My name is Argus. If you come with me, you can make it out of this prison." Before either Gil or the woman could question him, Argus had disapeared down a flight of stairs. They dashed to catch up with him.

Argus looked down the hall of the next floor. Another row of cells, but at the end, there were some guards. They seemed to surrounding someone, but Argus couldn't tell who. He was josteled out of his thoughts by a ball of dark energy flying at the guards. He turned around quickly to see Gil standing behind him, eyes focused.

He knows Shadow magic?

The guards scattered as the ball of magic exploded out at their feet. Argus had seen that spell used before, but he had never seen what happened next. The spell started to expand in a half sphere from where it landed, but as it aproached the figure the guards were surrounding, it left a bubble of unnaffected space around her. Argus didn't have much time to ponder this turn of events, as the guards soon got back up.

"A shadow mage? Call for the Nanashi!" one of the guards shouted. Another guard ran off through the stairs on the end of the hall opposite where Argus, Gil, and Gil's friend stood.

"Your magic is impressive, but it won't stop Nanashi." Gil looked at Argus and snorted. He then turned and fired another blast of dark magic at the guards, who fell, and this time, did not get back up. In their midst was a young girl, battered and weak, sitting on her hands and knees. Argus rushed up to her.

"Don't worry, miss, we're not here to hurt you, we're going to get you out of here."

"Letting pity decide who you help?" Gil asked from over Argus' shoulder.

"There is something special about this girl. I've never seen Shadow magic  leave anyone alone like that. I doubt that was your doing."

The girl looked up at Argus. "Help me." Argus pulled her arm around his shoulder, and helped her to her feet. "Let's go, before the Nanshi get here."

"Too late!" Gil's companion shouted. Argus looked at the far staircase, where three fearsome Nanshi were standing. Gil's face contorted with anger, and dark energy lashed at the Nanshi. When the smoke had cleared, the Nanshi had not moved. Gil's eyes went wide.

Argus gripped the Dreamstone, and his hands started to glow. He pulled his free arm up, and slashed it down.  A wave of energy flared across the center of the room, partitioning it. Blood dripped from his hands. "That will only slow them down." Before he had even turned around, the Nanashi were casting spells on the partition, making it fade.

[[OOC: V_T, feel free to rewrite any and all of this, it's just place holder dialogue for you to replace]]

"I'll hold them off." Gil and Argus snapped their attention to Gil's comanion.

"Flea..." Gil started.

"No, Gil, Argus is right. That girl is special. She just may save you later."

Argus started for the staircase, stumbling slightly. The wall spell had been cast too haistily, even with the Dreamstone weaking his bonds. Gil rushed up to him, and bruskly threw the girl's other arm across his shoulder.

"Come on," he barked at Argus, and the three of them started off down the hall, as quickly as they could.

Leebot

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« Reply #20 on: October 31, 2004, 07:25:31 pm »
A few little misspellings/typos:

-After the first time, you switch from "Nanashi" to "Nanshi"
-It should be "hastily" not "haistily"

chronotriggerfreak

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« Reply #21 on: October 31, 2004, 07:40:43 pm »
A few more: exlaimed=exclaimed, seemed to surrounding=seemed to be surrounding, josteled=jostled, bruskly=briskly.

Claado Shou

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« Reply #22 on: October 31, 2004, 08:39:50 pm »
Quote from: Radical_Dreamer
Chapter 21: Jailbreak!

The blue haired stranger regarded Argus carefully.

"If I let you use this, you must also free my companion."

"Consider it done. But we must hurry."

The stranger took his amulet, and passed it through the food opening of his cell. Argus took it, and a moment later, the stranger's cage was opened. The stranger narrowed his gaze.

"Time is of the essence. Take me to your friend."

The stranger walked out of his imprisonment, and started walking quickly down the hall. As they passed cells, they opened, and the prisoners within rushed out. Argus and the stranger finally came to a young woman behind thick metal bars. She looked up sadly, and when her eyes focused on the stranger, they lit up.

"Gil!" she exclaimed as she rushed toward him. "How did you get out?"

"This man helped me," the man now identified as Gil said, as he indicated to Argus.

"The guards will be coming soon," Argus said as he opened the heavy door. "The other prisoners will provide us some cover, but if they are out of their cells too long, the Nanashi will be called in."

"The who?" the woman asked, but Argus had already started walking down the hall quite quickly. She hurried to catch up with Argus. "Who are you, anyway?" she asked.

"My name is Argus. If you come with me, you can make it out of this prison." Before either Gil or the woman could question him, Argus had disappeared down a flight of stairs. They dashed to catch up with him.

Argus looked down the hall of the next floor. Another row of cells, but at the end, there were some guards. They seemed to be surrounding someone, but Argus couldn't tell who. He was jostled out of his thoughts by a ball of dark energy flying at the guards. He turned around quickly to see Gil standing behind him, eyes focused.

He knows Shadow magic?

The guards scattered as the ball of magic exploded out at their feet. Argus had seen that spell used before, but he had never seen what happened next. The spell started to expand in a half-sphere from where it landed, but as it approached the figure the guards were surrounding, it left a bubble of unaffected space around her. Argus didn't have much time to ponder this turn of events, as the guards soon got back up.

"A shadow mage? Call for the Nanashi!" one of the guards shouted. Another guard ran off through the stairs on the end of the hall opposite where Argus, Gil, and Gil's friend stood.

"Your magic is impressive, but it won't stop Nanashi." Gil looked at Argus and snorted. He then turned and fired another blast of dark magic at the guards, who fell, and this time, did not get back up. In their midst was a young girl, battered and weak, sitting on her hands and knees. Argus rushed up to her.

"Don't worry, miss: we're not here to hurt you, we're going to get you out of here."

"Letting pity decide who you help?" Gil asked from over Argus' shoulder.

"There is something special about this girl. I've never seen Shadow magic leave anyone alone like that. I doubt that was your doing."

The girl looked up at Argus. "Help me." Argus pulled her arm around his shoulder, and helped her to her feet. "Let's go, before the Nanashi get here."

"Too late!" Gil's companion shouted. Argus looked at the far staircase, where three fearsome Nanashi were standing. Gil's face contorted with anger, and dark energy lashed at the enemy. When the smoke had cleared, the warriors had not moved. Gil's eyes went wide.

Argus gripped the Dreamstone, and his hands started to glow. He pulled his free arm up, and slashed it down. A wave of energy flared across the center of the room, partitioning it. Blood dripped from his hands. "That will only slow them down." Before he had even turned around, the Nanashi were casting spells on the partition, making it fade.

"I'll hold them off." Gil and Argus snapped their attention to Gil's companion.

"Flea..." Gil started.

"No, Gil; Argus is right. That girl is special. She just may save you later."

Argus started for the staircase, stumbling slightly. The wall spell had been cast too hastily, even with the Dreamstone weaking his bonds. Gil rushed up to him, and briskly threw the girl's other arm across his shoulder.

"Come on," he barked at Argus, and the three of them started off down the hall, as quickly as they could.


1) You used the word "cell" 8 times, one paragraph containing three of them.  Very distracting.
2) "disapeared" needed to be "disappeared"
3) "aproached" needed to be "approached"
4) You said "Nanashi" a bunch of times as well.
5) Various other indiscrepancies.

V_Translanka

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« Reply #23 on: November 01, 2004, 12:52:45 am »
Hope you don't mind my wanting to change any of this stuff...Nothing major, mainly dialogue-related stuff, really...Doesn't effect anything Argus says...

One thing besides that though, Flea is supposed to be right next to the cell opposite Gil's...

I'd change Gil saying this: "If I let you use this, you must also free my companion."
TO
Gil: "You may use it, but if you can free me, you must free her as well" The man pointed to a woman in an opposing cell.

Also, I would avoid calling the Pendant Gil's amulet as to avoid confusion with the Amulet Gil has that was given to him by Schala...

I'd change "she rushed toward him" to went toward or something similar...'rushed toward', to me at least, brings to mind some kind of embrace or at least an image of them being far too close for comfort (for Gil's sake anyways).

I'd change Gil saying:"This man helped me"
TO JUST
"This man..."

You should probably make it 'Gil and the woman hurried to catch up with Argus'

'Gil looked at Argus, snorted, and cocked a brow upward.'

Change Gil saying:"Letting pity decide who you help?" (I little more Magus than my Gil is currently)
TO
"Why are you stopping?" or "What are you doing?"

'Gil's face contorted with anger...'--->'Gil's brow lowered in tense concentration as he saw the familiar form of the stealthy, nameless characters before him, and then dark energy lashed at the Nanashi'

"Flea...?" Gil started.

"No Gil, you have to follow this man. I forsaw this even before we came here...perhaps before that..." Flea, the woman, said to him. He looked at her momentarilly, seeing that all-too-familiar expression of unrelenting passion and devotion; destiny and a kind of sad fate; death. The Wind was forever with them both, "GO!" Gil nodded and turned to Argus and the girl.

Argus started for the staircase, stumbling slightly. The wall spell had been cast too haistily, even with the Dreamstone weaking his bonds. Gil rushed up to him, and bruskly threw the girl's other arm across his shoulder.

"Come on," he barked at Argus, and the three of them started off down the hall, as quickly as they could. Gil only looked back over his shoulder once and saw an eerie pink light begin to pulse from Flea, lighting the corridor faintly then he returned his concentration to helping Argus carry the girl.

Radical_Dreamer

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« Reply #24 on: November 01, 2004, 03:43:47 am »
[[OOC: Noticed that someone else wrote Chapter 21. Sorry this is taking so long. And V_T, I wanted the portrayal of your characters to remain true to how you write them.  That's why I asked. ]]

Chapter 22: Jailbreak!

The blue haired stranger regarded Argus carefully.

"You may use it, but if you can free me, you must free her as well" The man pointed to a woman in an opposing cell.

"Consider it done. But we must hurry."

The stranger took his pendant, and passed it through the food opening of his cell. Argus took it, and a moment later, the stranger's cage was opened. The stranger narrowed his gaze.

"Time is of the essence."

The stranger walked out of his imprisonment, and walked quickly to the opposing cell.  Argus and the stranger stood before a young woman. She looked up sadly, and when her eyes focused on the stranger, they lit up.

"Gil!" she exclaimed as she came toward him. "How did you get out?"

"This man..." the man now identified as Gil said, as he indicated to Argus.

"The guards will be coming soon," Argus said as he freed not just the woman, but all the prisoners in the hall.  "The other prisoners will provide us some cover, but if they are out of their cells for too long, the Nanashi will be called in."

"The who?" the woman asked, but Argus had already started walking down the hall quite quickly. Gil and the woman hurried to catch up with Argus. "Who are you, anyway?" she asked.

"My name is Argus. If you come with me, you can make it out of this prison." Before either Gil or the woman could question him, Argus had disappeared down a flight of stairs. They dashed to catch up with him.

Argus looked down the hall of the next floor. Another row of cells, but at the end, there were some guards. They seemed to be surrounding someone, but Argus couldn't tell who. He was jostled out of his thoughts by a ball of dark energy flying at the guards. He turned around quickly to see Gil standing behind him, eyes focused.

He knows Shadow magic?

The guards scattered as the ball of magic exploded out at their feet. Argus had seen that spell used before, but he had never seen what happened next. The spell started to expand in a half-sphere from where it landed, but as it approached the figure the guards were surrounding, it left a bubble of unaffected space around her. Argus didn't have much time to ponder this turn of events, as the guards soon got back up.

"A shadow mage? Call for the Nanashi!" one of the guards shouted. Another guard ran off through the stairs on the end of the hall opposite where Argus, Gil, and Gil's friend stood.

"Your magic is impressive, but it won't stop the Nanashi assassins." Gil looked at Argus, snorted, and cocked a brow upward. He then turned and fired another blast of dark magic at the guards, who fell, and this time, did not get back up. In their midst was a young girl, battered and weak, sitting on her hands and knees. Argus rushed up to her.

"Don't worry, miss: we're not here to hurt you, we're going to get you out of here."

"Why are you stopping??" Gil asked from over Argus' shoulder.

"There is something special about this girl. I've never seen Shadow magic leave anyone alone like that. I doubt that was your doing."

The girl looked up at Argus. "Help me." Argus pulled her arm around his shoulder, and helped her to her feet. "Let's go, before the assassins arrive."

"Too late!" Gil's companion shouted. Argus looked at the far staircase, where three fearsome Nanashi were standing. Gil's brow lowered in tense concentration as he saw the familiar form of the stealthy, nameless characters before him, and then dark energy lashed at the assassins. When the smoke had cleared, the warriors had not moved. Gil's eyes went wide.

Argus gripped the Dreamstone, and his hands started to glow. He pulled his free arm up, and slashed it down. A wave of energy flared across the center of the room, partitioning it. Blood dripped from his hands. "That will only slow them down." Before he had even turned around, the Nanashi were casting spells on the partition, making it fade.

"I'll hold them off." Gil and Argus snapped their attention to Gil's companion.

"Flea...?" Gil started.

"No Gil, you have to follow this man. I forsaw this even before we came here...perhaps before that..." Flea, the woman, said to him. He looked at her momentarilly, seeing that all-too-familiar expression of unrelenting passion and devotion; destiny and a kind of sad fate; death. The Wind was forever with them both, "GO!" Gil nodded and turned to Argus and the girl.

Argus started for the staircase, stumbling slightly. The wall spell had been cast too hastily, even with the Dreamstone weaking his bonds. Gil rushed up to him, and briskly threw the girl's other arm across his shoulder.

"Come on," he barked at Argus, and the three of them started off down the hall, as quickly as they could. Gil only looked back over his shoulder once and saw an eerie pink light begin to pulse from Flea, lighting the corridor faintly then he returned his concentration to helping Argus carry the girl.

V_Translanka

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« Reply #25 on: November 01, 2004, 06:16:09 am »
Sounds good to me...As for the changes and stuff...I just get nervous when telling someone to change something they've written...

"This man..." the man now identified as Gil said, as he indicated to Argus.

Something about that part bugs me...Like something should or shouldn't be there...But I can't for the life of me figure it out myself...

Aside from that, it should probably be "'weakening' his bonds" in the second to last paragraph...

Everything else seems great to me.

Leebot

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« Reply #26 on: November 01, 2004, 08:45:58 am »
A little point on style: Start a new paragraph every time the speaker changes.

Quote
The girl looked up at Argus. "Help me."

Argus pulled her arm around his shoulder, and helped her to her feet. "Let's go, before the assassins arrive."

...

"No Gil, you have to follow this man. I forsaw this even before we came here...perhaps before that..." Flea, the woman, said to him. He looked at her momentarilly, seeing that all-too-familiar expression of unrelenting passion and devotion; destiny and a kind of sad fate; death. The Wind was forever with them both.

"GO!" Gil nodded and turned to Argus and the girl.

Radical_Dreamer

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« Reply #27 on: November 01, 2004, 06:12:09 pm »
[[OOC: V_T, that's understandable. But I just wrote that as placeholder dialogue for you to replace anyway, so I wouldn't worry about it]]

Chapter 22: Jailbreak!

The blue haired stranger regarded Argus carefully.

"You may use it, but if you can free me, you must free her as well" The man pointed to a woman in an opposing cell.

"Consider it done. But we must hurry."

The stranger took his pendant, and passed it through the food opening of his cell. Argus took it, and a moment later, the stranger's cage was opened. The stranger narrowed his gaze.

"Time is of the essence."

The stranger walked out of his imprisonment, and walked quickly to the opposing cell. Argus and the stranger stood before a young woman. She looked up sadly, and when her eyes focused on the stranger, they lit up.

"Gil!" she exclaimed as she came toward him. "How did you get out?"

"This man..." the man now identified as Gil said, as he gestured at Argus.

"The guards will be coming soon," Argus said as he freed not just the woman, but all the prisoners in the hall. "The other prisoners will provide us some cover, but if they are out of their cells for too long, the Nanashi will be called in."

"The who?" the woman asked, but Argus had already started walking down the hall quite quickly. Gil and the woman hurried to catch up with Argus. "Who are you, anyway?" she asked.

"My name is Argus. If you come with me, you can make it out of this prison." Before either Gil or the woman could question him, Argus had disappeared down a flight of stairs. They dashed to catch up with him.

Argus looked down the hall of the next floor. Another row of cells, but at the end, there were some guards. They seemed to be surrounding someone, but Argus couldn't tell who. He was jostled out of his thoughts by a ball of dark energy flying at the guards. He turned around quickly to see Gil standing behind him, eyes focused.

He knows Shadow magic?

The guards scattered as the ball of magic exploded out at their feet. Argus had seen that spell used before, but he had never seen what happened next. The spell started to expand in a half-sphere from where it landed, but as it approached the figure the guards were surrounding, it left a bubble of unaffected space around her. Argus didn't have much time to ponder this turn of events, as the guards soon got back up.

"A shadow mage? Call for the Nanashi!" one of the guards shouted. Another guard ran off through the stairs on the end of the hall opposite where Argus, Gil, and Gil's friend stood.

"Your magic is impressive, but it won't stop the Nanashi assassins." Gil looked at Argus, snorted, and cocked a brow upward. He then turned and fired another blast of dark magic at the guards, who fell, and this time, did not get back up. In their midst was a young girl, battered and weak, sitting on her hands and knees. Argus rushed up to her.

"Don't worry, miss: we're not here to hurt you, we're going to get you out of here."

"Why are you stopping??" Gil asked from over Argus' shoulder.

"There is something special about this girl. I've never seen Shadow magic leave anyone alone like that. I doubt that was your doing."

The girl looked up at Argus. "Help me."

Argus pulled her arm around his shoulder, and helped her to her feet. "Let's go, before the assassins arrive."

"Too late!" Gil's companion shouted. Argus looked at the far staircase, where three fearsome Nanashi were standing. Gil's brow lowered in tense concentration as he saw the familiar form of the stealthy, nameless characters before him, and then dark energy lashed at the assassins. When the smoke had cleared, the warriors had not moved. Gil's eyes went wide.

Argus gripped the Dreamstone, and his hands started to glow. He pulled his free arm up, and slashed it down. A wave of energy flared across the center of the room, partitioning it. Blood dripped from his hands. "That will only slow them down." Before he had even turned around, the Nanashi were casting spells on the partition, making it fade.

"I'll hold them off." Gil and Argus snapped their attention to Gil's companion.

"Flea...?" Gil started.

"No Gil, you have to follow this man. I forsaw this even before we came here...perhaps before that..." Flea, the woman, said to him. He looked at her momentarilly, seeing that all-too-familiar expression of unrelenting passion and devotion; destiny and a kind of sad fate; death. The Wind was forever with them both.

"GO!" Gil nodded and turned to Argus and the girl.

Argus started for the staircase, stumbling slightly. The wall spell had been cast too hastily, even with the Dreamstone weakening his bonds. Gil rushed up to him, and briskly threw the girl's other arm across his shoulder.

"Come on," he barked at Argus, and the three of them started off down the hall, as quickly as they could. Gil only looked back over his shoulder once and saw an eerie pink light begin to pulse from Flea, lighting the corridor faintly then he returned his concentration to helping Argus carry the girl.

Leebot

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« Reply #28 on: November 01, 2004, 06:40:21 pm »
One last bit of minutia: there should be a comma at the end of the first quote.

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« Reply #29 on: November 01, 2004, 07:04:48 pm »
Actually, I had intended that "GO!" to NOT be another person...It's supposed to still be Flea...If you want to maybe clear that up more, make it "...GO!" As her last bit of dialogue ended in '...'