Author Topic: The Crooked Portrait On The Wall  (Read 1586 times)

ZeaLitY

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The Crooked Portrait On The Wall
« on: August 31, 2004, 06:50:48 pm »
Has been released. www.chronocompendium.com/Term/Selected_Fanfiction

Feedback needed.

V_Translanka

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The Crooked Portrait On The Wall
« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2004, 04:25:39 am »
Well, I haven't gotten around to reading it (will when I get the time, promise!)...but I'm wondering if I can ask here, what exactly is all the hub-ub about these (guess there's only one for now, right?) "Selected" Fanfics? There's a fairly loose summary about what they are...But it doesn't really seem to explain much...What're the details there?

Symmetry

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The Crooked Portrait On The Wall
« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2004, 01:00:08 am »
Translanka, you dork! You're supposed to read it and give me feedback. You got my hopes up when I saw a response to this thread, but no!

READ! NOW!  :(

V_Translanka

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The Crooked Portrait On The Wall
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2004, 07:38:10 am »
Alright, you forced a one-chapter pity-read out of me, Symmetry :lol:

Only saw one spelling deal: "The two siblings entered the main hall and made their way to the throne room where several Zealian dignitaries were waiting. Unlike many others with positions of power, Schala preferred to do away with what she saw as unnecessary gestures and grandiose displays of flattery. No one bowed or dropped to their knees when she passed by; a simple nod of the head was ample respect. Once Schala had seated herself on the throne, one of the dignitaries approached her. Before recognizing the elderly man, she took one last glance at Janus, who had assumed his position nearby against of the chamber's columns."

As for the story itself (I still definately plan on reading the other chapter and any upcoming segments)...I was taken aback a bit when given Schala's age, but it was a pleasent surprise...I fealt that Schala & Janus talk especially hoity-toity now...which feels very forced, especially when they are alone and talking only to each other, which is where I would think their speech would be most comfortable. I understand they're royalty, but it just seems a bit thick to me. Also, I thought some of the information seemed a little forced (all of the Guru's titles neatly displayed in the beginning along with mention of the entity), but I suppose that's mainly due to the fact that I've played the games, and I probably wouldn't think about it so much otherwise...The description of the throne-room seems a little much, but it seems like there's a lot going on in there, so it serves well enough (dreamstone as decoration though?)

Other than that, it seems really good (although I gag at the whole hair-dying thing myself, which I do not believe in), well written, and I like a lot of the introspective thinking that Schala does throughout (although I personally believe that she should know Janus more than Janus knows Janus, and thusly shouldn't have to ask about any 'coldness' or anything...again though, *personal belief*). Nice hook at the end too! But as the time is late, I'll read the rest later!

Symmetry

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The Crooked Portrait On The Wall
« Reply #4 on: September 07, 2004, 12:46:36 am »
Groovy.

The way I see it, citizens of Zeal should always speak in an "overly intelligent" manner because they're probably the most brilliant society to grave the face of the planet. I felt that dropping into a more slangy style of speech wouldn't suit them well - sort of like how having Frog speak in anything but Ye Olde English would seem out of place. But that's just my shake on it.

Descriptions are something I'm still "working on" as a writer. I don't want the fic to be pure information and diologue, so I try to build on areas/people that seem interesting or important to me.

The hair. I've never seen any proof backing up that claim, but it seems to be a favourite among many, so I put it in there hoping someone would appreciate it.

As for Schala, I kinda see her in the opposite light. I couldn't remember anything from CT that gave me the impression she actually empathized with the young Janus' anguish. She certainly cared for him, but she didn't share the same exact views. Schala cares, but having never suffered the neglect or disaproval Janus did, she doesn't understand.  

Thanks for the feedback. I'll have to have edit the spelling soon. (Once I figure out how to use the open book, that is.  :o )

V_Translanka

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The Crooked Portrait On The Wall
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2004, 06:04:24 am »
The speech pattern fits well for the most part...I just don't recall it being used as such...Especially not when it was just Schala & Janus...

I always just figured she would understand being his sister right in the middle of all the conflict, she would just have to know what/why things were jading him. I figured that if they had been given time to live with one another, she would smooth his rough edges out over time...She may not have suffered from it herself, but she suffered in a way herself seeing the way things were going with her brother, and, of course, her mother...

But I suppose that's for a different kind of analytical thread!

V_Translanka

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The Crooked Portrait On The Wall
« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2004, 07:56:54 pm »
Okay, I just read the second (a little long-winded at times...) chapter. I enjoyed much of it...I found the twins's circumstance as 'co-rulers' to be a little disturbing...I mean, sure, they're twins, but did they both pop out at the same time? I don't know if it's ever occured in any Earth monarchy thusfar, but I'm sure the first to actually be born would be given full rights to the throne...

Otherwise, I thought the comment on how Lavos won't simply erupt out of the ground and rain destruction upon all of Zeal to be...well...a bit much? Nice little hint to the games or whatever...But again, maybe it's just because I've played the games that makes it seem a bit absurd to me...

I liked the relationships throughout though, very nice...Still a little rough around some of the descriptive areas regarding the formal wear and stuff, but nothing atrocious or too off-the-wall.

*thumbs up*