Author Topic: ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))  (Read 5588 times)

Chronofan

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ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))
« on: June 26, 2006, 11:38:26 pm »
Prolouge: The girl and the gate
Ridley wiped her tears pulling up her glasses to reach them she turned around her blue eyes stared at the door as the girls locked it. She quickly got up and started turning the knob but it obviously was locked "no please let me out! let me out!!" but all ridley heard were the laugher of girls "what a dork!" ridley heard one girl say "Yeah but shes fun to pick on!" ridley sat on the door her ponytail layed against her shoulder as she cried she then noticed that she had never seen this part of the orphanage. Ridley had been an orphan her whole life nobody really knew much about her she didnt even know much about herself. The girls treated ridley like crap ever since she had gotten there well not ever since but it sure felt like it.

 Ridley was also called her witch because she possed the power of earth magic off course she never used it except once and ever since then she tried to keep it hidden. Ridley got up and wiped her tears away and walked down the hall she it felt long but it didnt take her very long to actually get to the other side she opened the door cautiously. She walked into a dust covered room the room was pretty bland there was a table with a chair and a latern lit as if it was frozen by time.

  Next to the latern was a journal ridley grabbed it and opened it blowing the dust from it the book was barely readiable but she saw a name she couldnt really make it out "ucca Atear?" suddenly a weird light made  her drop the book a weird hole opened infront of her she stared at it mysteriously "Wh-what is that...?" it was as the weird gate called her next thing she new the portal dragged her in the portal closed behind her.
***
Lucca ran around her workshop looking for a screw driver she had to meet crono later at guardia castle or more likre guardia jail to rescue him. Crono had a knack of getting himself into trouble. But before lucca could go she had to fix the little problem on the gate key. As lucca made the last few fixes a loud bang startled her lucca ran to the noise and ended up tripping on her books along the way dropping her glasses.

"Ouch ugh i have to stop leaving my books on the floor like that"Lucca said to herself as she got up grabbing her glasses and placing them back on her face. She continued to the room where she heard the bang she opened the door cautiously and stared wide eyed a young girl sat in a corner crying lucca noticed the rags that the little girl wore they were dirty the girls glasses were wet lucca had to attend to the girl before she could help crono she just hoped that shed make it in time...

((post some opinions please and if anyone would like to edit this for me itd be very kind ^_^ btw im grounded so my work in this is limited))
« Last Edit: June 30, 2006, 11:57:31 am by Chronofan »

Lynx

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Re: ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2006, 02:22:51 am »
keep on wrighting

Chronofan

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Re: ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2006, 09:52:50 pm »
im not sure if im going to continue writing since i dont think to many are interested

Mavix

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Re: ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))
« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2006, 12:54:51 pm »
Hey don't stop I'm intresting. your work is really billiant. That name Ridley, is a pretty cool name, have you've ever play the game Radiata Stories.

Chronofan

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Re: ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))
« Reply #4 on: September 27, 2006, 10:30:10 pm »
yeah i have thats where i got the name from :P i just love that name im going to name my child that :P

Mavix

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Re: ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2006, 03:02:43 pm »
is her middle name going to be silverlake. :) just kidding. but yeah your right that name would be great to have!

Chronofan

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Re: ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))
« Reply #6 on: October 13, 2006, 10:24:09 pm »
hmmm i feel inspired to write now :P i think i will hmm im not sure

Daniel Krispin

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Re: ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))
« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2006, 05:10:15 am »
hmmm i feel inspired to write now :P i think i will hmm im not sure

Then I hope you did quickly, seeing as inspiration usually does not last long. The muses are not the most constant divinities, after all.

Anyway, to comment, however, I think you should really work on the technicalities of writing. Things like making the dialogue a new paragraph and, more importantly, not running on the sentences so long. Remember, writing isn't just saying something, it's how you say it as well.

Ridley was also called her witch because she possed the power of earth magic off course she never used it except once and ever since then she tried to keep it hidden.

Random sentence to prove the latter point. This should not be one sentence. 'Ridley was also called a witch becuse she possessed the power of earth magic. Of course, she never used it, except for once, and ever since then she had tried to keep it hidden.' That is more how it should read. You absolutely need that punctuation in there, otherwise it sounds like the narrator is rambling breathlessly, and makes reading difficult. Also, from what I can see, you have to be more careful with spelling and grammar.

Now, you could get someone else to do this for you, but far best is for you yourself to figure through the technicalities and edit yourself. You won't be able to catch everything - somebody else is always needed in the end - but you'll learn how to write better, removing the need for extensive editing at a later time. For example, use commas. I don't think you used a single one, but they are paramount to seperate such things as subordinate clauses. Something like a relative clause (ie. this person, who did such and such, ran. The middle part is a relative clause, the 'who' being a relative pronoun. It wouldn't quite work without the commas) or an apposition (ie. the man, ugly and scarred, ran. Here, the 'ugly and scarred' acts as a description of the man.) The only way you can really get to make use of these things on an innate basis is by practice. First it will be conscious, but you'll do it automatically in time.

Chronofan

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Re: ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))
« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2006, 10:36:26 pm »
Well your right my inspiration didnt last long and i managed to finish chapter one in my notebook -.-

XcyrusX

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Re: ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))
« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2006, 12:36:05 am »
Ahh Dont Quit Writing I like it ur very talented , cant  w8 for the next post! ^^

Mavix

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Re: ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))
« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2006, 04:37:03 pm »
hope its soon. because iv'e been waiting a long time.................... anyways good luck on it!!! :)

Chronofan

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Re: ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))
« Reply #11 on: April 02, 2007, 07:24:05 pm »
Ok sorry for the VERY long delay heres chapter 1 ah and as ive said before my grammer sucks so yeah -.-'

Chapter 1: Helping a new friend
Lucca walked to the young girl softly and knelt down "Hello....my name is lucca" Ridley stared at her blankly tears rolling down her eyes. Lucca sighed softly
"Its ok...i wont hurt you where did you come from?" ridley opened her lips slowly

"I...i dont know first i was at the orphanage and a blue....hole appeared and dragged me in and i came here...".

Lucca adjusted her glasses slowly "Could it have been a gate...?" lucca said to herself quietly. She got up slowly and stared at ridleys rags "What kind of orphanage is this.... you children should have better clothing then this" lucca said her face turning into an annoyed state.

Ridley slowly relaxed taking a few deep breathes and slowly moving her glasses to wipe her tears. Lucca looked around her closet for something to put on ridley she manage to find some of her old children clothes she handed ridley a purple shirt and a darkish green pair of shorts. "Here put those on there much better then what your wearing now" ridley quickly went to the bathroom and changed from her rags. Lucca grabbed her blaster and the gate key she had been working on. Ridley walked out of the bathroom and watched lucca as she headed out.

"Um Lucca i didnt tell you my name.... its ridley um where are you going?" lucca turned and smiled softly at ridley "Ridley sweety... i have to go help a friend its very dangerous so ill need you to stay here" ridley frowned "I can help! Its the least i can do". Lucca sighed softly "Its very dangerous ... but if you stick next to me i think youl be fine here take my prototype blaster it should be good enough to get you through any beasts that attack us" ridley nodded and grabed the blaster "Where are we going lucca and who are we helping?" Lucca opened the door slowly "Were going to guardia castle to help a friend...crono were coming..."

Mavix

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Re: ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))
« Reply #12 on: April 10, 2007, 03:09:52 pm »
I was wondering. is there gonna be a guy named Jack Russle lol!

Chronofan

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Re: ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))
« Reply #13 on: April 18, 2007, 08:47:07 pm »
I was thinking about it :P maybe for comic relief :P? nooo but im working on chapter 2 where i plan to get them to meet up with crono and frog so yeah

Mavix

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Re: ChronoScar ((ive changed it completely))
« Reply #14 on: April 27, 2007, 01:16:40 pm »
sounds cool. If you ever start an RP based around Radiata Stories, and the chrono series. i would join.