I thought I had Dalton say go to beast forest maybe I'm wrong. I REALLY want someone to tell me what the text for the game should be. I'm SO bad with words, and I want it to be clear to the gamer what to do next.
So if anyone wants to recommend text feel free to make a topic called..um game text and split it into era's/locations/timeline of game and put what you think the main storyline text should be and what the villagers should say. I'd make it myself but if someone makes it they'll be able to edit it. I'll sticky it once it's made
--jp
Want me to suggest things? I tend to be better at grander segments (I just got a paper back that had the comment on it that it was a little too verbose and rhetorical.) But here's some things I'd suggest. Firstly, if you go to Sargon before going to the village, he tells you to go away, right? Well, is Janus going to take THAT?! No way. He's Janus for crying out loud, arguably one of the strongest mortals ever to live - and he's got a nasty streak. Here's what you do.
You have Sargon say something like... well (I hate this; when I'm pressed to come up with something, I'm lost for good words.)
"Leave me be; these things are mine by right, as I found them."
Then, after a second's pause, everything unmoving, he says again:
"Didn't you hear me? Leave me be!"
Then, after a second longer:
"..."
Then Magus' line:
"If you feel inclined to command me again, I will see to it that I spare you no torment in your death."
To which Sargon replies:
"I won't."
Magus: "I don't abide fools."
Thereafterm whenever you come it, he can say something like:
"W,welcome!"
Then, when Dalton has come by, Magus says:
"Spare me your welcome, I'm in a rush: where's the fool?"
"Lord Dalton? He asked me where I found my (forget the name), and hurried off."
"And you told him? Fool!"
"Oh, spare my life, I beg you!"
"Only tell me where, and that is enough recompense."
"The woods to the north-east."
Well, maybe I'm a bit, ummm... overly histrionic. It's my flaw in writing. I have to learn how to make it more colloquial. But at least I kept it short. What do you think?
Magus' post CT character is best represented in Radical Dreamers, I think. As such, he needs to still have that harsh edge, but he's nonetheless regal, proud, and formal. He's a prince, and he knows it. He's a brave man, but doesn't abide fools. I think it's really important to bring across that people are afraid and intimidated by him. The man is a giant, virtually, compared to everyone else. If Arnold Swarzenegger came to your house, how would you feel? I'd imagine Janus gives a similar impression. Anyway, most of the conversations need a bit of fixing up - but you're still in the early phases, aren't you? As such, this is probably too early to really make comments on dialogue.
Oh, and for technical suggestions, do note (and this would be a bloody hard mistake to find later!) that during the conversation with Dalton the first time, one of the time is says MAGUS: it isn't referencing the code (or however it works) as I was playing using the name Janus, but it still brought it up that one time as Magus.
Moreover, the dialogue in many places seems to have a space before each new line. It looks a little strange, I think.
