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Boo's Thread of Multiple Existential Crisises

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Boo the Gentleman Caller:
I've toyed with the idea of this post for weeks. I ebb and flow both for against the post, as I don't want the message to be misinterpreted. It's so easy to misconstrue messages in digital format; there's no voice inflection or true human emotion within to drive the truth of the message.

Regardless, I'm going to get these thoughts off my chest. Please understand, these are late night musings. In the morning I recognize I'll feel differently. I'm a night person, and it's always at night I feel most alive, most creative, most isolated, most vulnerable. This isn't a cry for help, I'm not in any pain, it's just the continued working through my own existential views and trying to recognize what it means to be human in the human condition. I've touched upon these ideas with some of you, either in PM or email or thread, so hopefully it doesn't come off as too dark of a place to be thinking.

By why, in a world of seven billion people, do I feel so alone?

I don't ask this question directly only in my own condition. This is a question I think that many people feel... and it drives me mad in my pursuit of an answer that may never come. Maybe it's the human condition; it's something almost everyone suffers, but goddamn does life feel lonely as fuck. Even with a partner, that loneliness persists. Even with an entire familiar unit relying on you, it's a lonely road one walks alone.

I'm framing this as a sort of existential question, but it's a question I've wrestled with for two decades or more. I remember being about ten years old and crying myself to sleep thinking about loneliness as a whole, my own loneliness, and how so many others likely feel the same way. I remember wondering if the God I had been told about was false, wondering what made my God and more real than the other Gods out there. It was heartbreaking then and the memory of that realization still stings. It has nothing to do with a deity, but rather it's about the human condition that persists regardless of that facet of human pursuit.

We crave connectivity. We turn to the internet, but so many of the relationships are touch and go or fleeting, and they're very impersonal. They're real, but they lack that touch of reality. It's all binary. We all flock to Facebook and Instagram and Snapchat in pursuit of connectivity, and it's all pointless and false vanity and feeble attempts at chasing some sort of relationship with humanity. It's all we know these days. We keep checking our phones and we promise ourselves we'll stop but we KEEP DOING IT. We check and we check and there's nothing but we check and we check hoping it will be different. We say we'll quit and we don't. Hell, I don't even have a Facebook and I know this truth. It's why I gave it up about five years ago. Giving it up gave me freedom from unnecessary noise, but it's severely limiting when you are an outlier looking in.

Life feels like a train ride. We're surrounded by people that come and go at each stop. Then we wake up and we're at the end of the line and we're all alone in the cab. All alone. Not a soul in sight.

So many days I feel like I'm going through motions, through memorized routine. It's almost a dream; there's no point to it and it all feels random and pointless but we keep going because it's all we have or because we're told we have to ride it to it's rightful conclusion. We keep going because we chase that valuation of whatever we value and we hope for some kismet to make it all have worth and meaning that we didn't see until that magical moment.

We work all day, but what does any of it mean? We lose ourselves in the grind of money and pursuit of things and the whole routine is pointless. It's stupid and emotive and we overthink just like I'm doing now.

And here's the kicker: sometimes I love this loneliness. Like, it's both incredibly fulfilling on my creative aspect, I feel so many things that I would love to capture on paper (but fail). Some of these are even literal, visual scenes that play out but I am unable to capture them on paper. Then again they're horribly isolating on the other. And I keep coming back to that question: there are seven billion people, so why does anyone feel lonely? I feel like these emotions drive this creative epicenter to my persona, but at the same time eeks away at my sense of connectivity and in turn drives me into the Mountains of Madness, into the maw of Cthulhu or whatever unnamed entity awaits me.

Once I again, I'm not crying out, so please don't misinterpret this post. I fully recognize that it's sort of a dark place, and it's one I know (or rather believe) so many people suffer with. The question remains: why? SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE, almost everyone connected via technology. It's morbidly fascinating. It's almost an intangible feeling, but it's both beautiful and horrifying at the same time.

Anyway, that is all for today. Weight in below with your thoughts if you'd like.

EDIT: A few typos corrected.

EDIT2: I should add that this post now makes me think of the question as was presented to me in ~2007 for Fragile Dreams: Farewell Ruins of the Moon. I was so excited for this game and the themes it claimed to tackle. However, in the end, although it explored themes of isolation and loneliness, it never really tackled it in the framework of today's standard. The game explored a single human, perhaps the last human, exploring humanity with AI and androids and engineered humans, and it did explore the theme of loneliness and survival in pursuit of another like oneself. But it was never framed against the modern day questions of loneliness among the entire human species at our fingertips; there were never seven billion (then six billion) people just beyond the horizon.

See the trailer below: If nothing else, my God the music is stellar: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENhS2lhNk-c

Despite a planet so vast...
and populated by a countless number of people.
Why is that I'm so alone?
This is dedicated to those that share the sasme feeling of isolation.

I've thought about this. I believe modern industrial/technological civilization tends to have an alienating effect on its participants.

Boo the Gentleman Caller:

--- Quote ---I've thought about this. I believe modern industrial/technological civilization tends to have an alienating effect on its participants.
--- End quote ---

I've wondered this myself. In the "olden days" (take that however far back in time you wish), people were quite literally almost always confined to the towns/communities they were born into. This, of course, changed with the advent of communication. It likewise increases the literal scope of connectivity, but limits the alienating effects of those who fall within.

Currently absorbing 5 Centimetres Per Second, which is my favorite (but the least watched) film by Makoto Shinkai. The literal beauty of the film is superb; it's able to capture the beauty of every day living, but my god is it harsh on the spirit. It's just... too true to life. People come and go.

I wrote the original post and felt a need to help further capture this feeling. Sometimes I do that. This film was it (for tonight, at least).

Personally, I'd be more isolated without technology.

Boo the Gentleman Caller:

--- Quote ---Personally, I'd be more isolated without technology.
--- End quote ---

I think this is true to all of us. But there's still this feeling of... longing?

Although I didn't explore it in my parent post, I do think some of it is derived from my own personal experiences. My own life choices. At least to some degree.


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