Author Topic: Chrono Punditry [Written Word (Long Form)]  (Read 255 times)

tushantin

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Chrono Punditry [Written Word (Long Form)]
« on: April 30, 2018, 07:43:41 pm »
It's already midnight (more like, 4 in the morning), 1st of May in my timezone. The time has come, and so have I (don't read into it).

What better way to say The Dream of Zeal is alive and revisit the legacy of the franchise than to hear your deeply religious Pundit recount to you the rich tradition of the Chrono history in a way you've never heard before? So sit tight, cross-legged on your Epochs, because you're about to experience some not-so-bumpy jogging-down-the-memory-lane time-travel shenanigans.

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Say, what if Serge, Kid and Magil actually live-streamed their burglary of Viper Manor on Twitch?

We'd probably call them Radical Streamers.

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Did you hear about the time Serge almost drowned? His case very very Termina.

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I try not to have any food or water at Guldove, though.

I'm afraid of getting a bad case of Chief Diarrhea (Direa).

I'll just buy some bottled water instead. Thank you very Macha.

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Do you think Kiki's Dad from Another World ever stresses out over having lost his Mojo?

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The only reason Norris brings a gun to a fist-fight is because his first name isn't Chuck.

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I don't understand why people don't like my new friend.

I find him to be a very Fun-Guy.

Well, some morons keep trying to eat him, but I don't think they'll enjoy him much.

They don't have their seasonings with them. No Solt, no Peppor.

Don't you dare cook cats and Turnips, though. I know what you're up to. I can almost Sneff it.

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Cyrus and Dario have a lot in common, to be honest.

Cyrus is Osiris without Godhood.

Dario is Mario without.... wait a minute. That's not right.



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Refresher for newbies: Janus must not be confused with Janice.

Janus is a ancient wizard boy from a magic kingdom.

Janice is a bunny-girl that clocks you in the head for flirting too much.



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What happened when fans, who were eagerly waiting for a second installment to Chrono Trigger finally got a sequel?

They definitely were Chrono Cross.

....Then again, the two games just stand in a very Starky contrast to each other.

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Radius may be the wise chief of Arni, but when he was a Deva of the Acacia Dragoons, there was a chief who was wiser than him.

His name was Sir Cumference.

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You know, I'd usually blame Lynx, but if Belthasar didn't go so crazy dicking around with an evil fragment of Lavos' shell, everything would be just El Neato.

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How the hell did the ancient Dragonians even acquired the Dragon Tear? Did they forcibly make ancient dragons watch Son of Mask?!

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Riddel me this:

Gaea's Navel


( ͡ ͜ʖ ͡)

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Being fat just makes you round.

Worse still, being Lean.... Square.

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I know the main Guardian city is called Truce, but... Truce between whom?

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Look, I know supervillains and their evil lairs have to have names that are over-the-top, but when I say the Black Omen is over-the-top, I really mean it's over-the-top!

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Is it not ironic to hear that some folks in the bloodline of Zeal find themselves depressed?

That's like saying the IMMORTAL Phoenix died.



------------------------------------

Contrary to popular belief, the Earthbound people aren't cameos from a different Nintendo franchise.

Nor is Queen Zeal a cameo from the same franchise.

Nor is Crono's Mother a cameo from the same franchise.

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Why are Zealians such sanctimonious pricks?

Given where they live, they can't help their high-handedness.

They always have to look down upon the Earthbounds.

Hey, it's either my way or the Skyway.

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Why does Schala give Janus a bath twice-a-day and replaces his deodorant with insect-repellents?

Because Janus has Flea(s).

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Speaking of Flea, do you know why they the Mystic Knights weren't the main characters of the story?

If the were, Chrono Trigger would technically be a Slash fiction.

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Ozzie is full of piss and vinegar.

1) It's easy to piss him off,
2) He's always in a pickle.

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Can the GI Jogger run longer than an old 80s cartoon commercial for American action figures?

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If the Kingdom of Guardia had their own glucose biscuit brand, would it be called Marle-G?

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If Crono was an edgelord Gary Stu, would he even die no matter how much we'd want him to?

Don't know it? Crow-Know it.

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Robo might be the only one among his friends to actually develop sentience, but I wouldn't be surprised if he just decided to Rick Roll with it.

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Yes, Fargo is interested in stealing all of your cargo.

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No, the Harle is probably not a Batman reference.

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No, Magus' vampirism after transcending his humanity is not a JoJo reference.

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Contrary to popular belief, Ayla's Tail Spin tech is not about her watching a 90s cartoon with her friends in the middle of a battle so as to kill her enemy with boredom as if it has nothing else to do.

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Contrary to popular belief, Robo's Mirage Hand weapon does not upgrade him into a street-magician.

Besides, the gimmick is way too obvious.

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Contrary to popular belief, Robo's Cure Beam is not a treatment for Cancer.

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See, the thing about Crono as a protagonist is that he confuses a lot of people...



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Hey, what operating system does Janus run on his home computer?

Alfedora Linux.

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Diplomacy is an essential part of conflict resolution, which -- without diplomacy -- always requires you to show strength. That is why Ayla is a great leader in her own right.

She really knows how to put her best foot forward.



Unfortunately, you can't really say the same for Lucca's mother, though. Heheheh...

Heh heh heh heh heh....

Heh.....

------------------------------------

I want to end on a bit of a sober note here though...

You know the one thing that keeps me awake at night? It's the fact that Glenn lost Cyrus because Magus wanted revenge for his dead family, which makes Glenn want revenge against Magus for his dead best friend. So everybody kills each other because they've lost somebody they loved, and that creates even more people who've lost people they love therefore out for even more vengeance.

All this could have just stopped at any moment, any time, if at least one character made the bold move to stop this cycle of hate. For example...

Why didn't Magus just tell our heroes that he merely summoned, not created, Lavos before the battle?

Well... he had a Frog in his throat.



And Frog is the one who ends up being the bigger man, giving up his hatred and vengeance, and working together with his nemesis to fry a bigger fish.

Feels goooood, maaaaan!



GOOD DAY!
« Last Edit: May 01, 2018, 05:56:00 am by tushantin »

PrincessNadia78

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Re: Chrono Punditry [Written Word (Long Form)]
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2018, 08:33:07 pm »
I thoroughly enjoyed this! I would not object if you posted more!  :D :D :D

Mauron

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Re: Chrono Punditry [Written Word (Long Form)]
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2018, 08:59:48 pm »
Hilarious!

Quote
Contrary to popular belief, the Earthbound people aren't cameos from a different Nintendo franchise.

I should fix that.

skylark

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Re: Chrono Punditry [Written Word (Long Form)]
« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2018, 01:57:20 am »
.........

Goddammit... :picardno

Boo the Gentleman Caller

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Re: Chrono Punditry [Written Word (Long Form)]
« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2018, 08:49:15 am »
Wow. Our first entry is a glorified novella of a shitpost.

Color me impressed!

Kodokami

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Re: Chrono Punditry [Written Word (Long Form)]
« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2018, 12:14:54 am »
Riddel me this:

Gaea's Navel


( ͡ ͜ʖ ͡)

That face sold it for me. :lol: