Author Topic: Cyrus Resurrection  (Read 2159 times)

Jake

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Cyrus Resurrection
« on: August 15, 2005, 05:58:50 pm »
Authors Note: I'm not done with this so don't get your panties in a bunch. Read and post a review if u like it.

Cyrus Resurrection
Chapter 1
The beginning of the war

   A boy lay in his soft hay bed only to be disturbed and awakened by his father who was hovering over him and reaching out. “Son, get up quickly,” his father said in fear ignoring that it was three o’clock in the morning, “Hurry! We must leave at once.” “What’s going on?” The boy asked whipping the sleep from his eyes. “Don’t ask questions! We must leave at once, now hurry and gather your belongings.” The boy’s father panicked. The boy got up from the bed eyeing everything around him but could see nothing. The blackness of the night crept over the small village house like a giant blanket. Then suddenly everything lit up, there were fires outside his window that were coming closer and closer by the second. “We have no time to get anything now, come on!” The boy’s father quickly grabbed him and craddled him in his arms as they ran out the village house. The boy peered over his father’s shoulder to see that the fires were coming from torches that were being carried by strange creatures, just coming east out of ships and boats charging at the small village that the boy lived in. They were known as mystics in the kingdom of Gardia, and were once at peace with the humans until this dreadful night. The mystics were swarming the village causing chaos, killing villagers, and setting fire to the houses that lie in the village. The screams of the villagers deafened the boy’s ears as he covered them and buried his face into his father’s chest trying to avoid the heat of all the fires. Gardia soldiers quickly headed to the burning villages armed with swords, spears, javelins, bow & arrows, and other heavy cavalry. The soldiers showed no mercy fighting till their deaths and trying to extinguish the village fires. The boy’s father could see Zenan Bridge ahead of him and felt a bit of relief, but quickly that relief was gone, the bridge faded into a blur and darkness, he quickly lost his balance and tumbled over. The boy fell to the ground along with his father ignoring the pain that just happened. The boy got up and walked towards his father. His father had to arrows lodged in his back and was dieing quickly but one word slipped from his lips, “Run!” The boy’s father died. The boy ran to Zenan Bridge that lay ahead him trying to hide his tears and forget the fact the he just lost his father, but the pain was too much to bear and the boy collapse to the ground crying. The tears never ended as they poured from his eyes and streamed down his face to hit the ground. A Gardia Knight saw the boy with his face in the dirt sobbing uncontrollably and reached out to grasp the boy. He was met with a painful strike to the face that caused him to lose balance and fall quickly to the ground. The Knight got up and got a good look at his enemy to see that he was a Mystic, a Hench. The Hench reached for the boy but the Knight got up, drew his sword, and went to slash the Hench.  The blade flew with much velocity as it clenched into the Hench’s throat slicing almost four inches into it. Blood poured to the ground and stained the boy’s face. Three more enemies approached the soldier with much intensity in their eyes. They were short stocky figures with pointy ears, huge heads, and colored bodies. They were known as Imps. They were holding small daggers that were about their arm length getting ready to attack. One of them ran at the soldier only to take the sharp tip of his sword. The soldier pulled it out and kicked another one of them. Another Imp came at him; he spun around swinging his sword with him slicing the last Imp in the chest. The Imp that lie on the ground that just had been kicked got up and ran away but was soon met with a spear lodging into it’s back by another Knight. The Knight that just saved the boy’s life picked him up and started heading to Zenan Bridge, where large forces of Gardia Knights were settled getting ready for the last bit of battle. The boy was still sobbing as the Knight carried him. His tears streamed down the Knights armor and puddled to the ground as they still walked. They reached the bridge and the Knight lowered him to the ground and began to speak, “Head to the Castle, you’ll be safe there.” “No! I want somebody to come with me; I don’t want to go alone.” The boy sobbed. “In order to become a man you must let go of your fears, and not cry about somebody’s death. You must let go and be strong, over come what has just happened and be strong, head to the castle, I’ll be there shortly too.” The Knight explained in a calm voice trying to make the boy stop crying. The boy shook his head and started to walk down the bridge still whimpering at what just happened but tried to ignore the deranged thoughts that glided through his mind, yet he still cried but nevertheless he never forgot the words of the Knight who saved his life.

   “Boy? Boy? Hey, wake up boy.” “Urah, where am I?” “At Gardia castle, my Mommy found you lying outside the castle in Gardia Forest and brought you in. You were a mess my mommy said; she said that she saw lots and lots of blood on you, but it’s okay now because your safe in the Castle. Sometimes when I’m really sad or scraed I walk over here and I feel better. I feel really safe especially when daddy comes home from the Inn. He gets too drunk and is really mean to me and mommy. Sometimes we get lots of blood on us too.” A little girl said that was cradling over the little boy’s cot that he lay in. She was wearing a white dress, had dark brown hair in pigtails, and had a nice smile that made the boy smile too, but it faded quickly as he started to remember things from the night before. “What’s you name?” She asked in a bit of silly way that made the boy smile again. “Cyrus.” Cyrus answered wiping the smile from his face. “My name is Lizy, but my parents and friends call me Liz.” Cyrus smiled at her but his eyes started to tear up and he began to cry again. “What’s wrong?” She asked as she tried to cheer him up. “My father, he, he… He died in the raid last night.” Cyrus wrapped his arms around his knees and buried his face in legs sobbing out of control. “You’re crying again? What good is boy who cries?” A familiar voice said that sounded very faint and frail. Cyrus looked up and saw the Knight that had saved him last night. He was lying in a cot and was wrapped in many bandages with red stains all over on them. Cyrus walked closer to him but stopped as he figured out that the stains of red were blood. “What happened?” Cyrus asked while walking a little closer to him. “Nothing happened, and I sure as hell am not going to cry about it either. War and battles always have casualties let’s just leave it at that.” The Knight said shrugging at the pain he was in. “Are you going to be alright?” Cyrus asked clenching the Knights hand. “I’ll live, and I’m proud to have it like that.” “What’s going on? Why did the Mystics attack us?” The girl asked the Knight while strolling up beside Cyrus. “The Mystics are no longer at peace with us, they are now enemies, and will be for a very long time.” The Knight replied.
(Chapter 1 ends here)
   
Side Events: Eventually the knight that had saved Cyrus’s life healed after much time and began to take care of Cyrus. He housed him, feed him, and loved him. Sometimes Cyrus would even call him dad.
   Cyrus and Liz’s friendship began to grow much more as time went by. They would play everyday and even took a swordship class. They wanted to become fighters, or even Knights. Cyrus wanted to become like his dad, (Ahem, the knight who saved him) and Liz wanted to get payback on her abusive father. Cyrus aged through his childhood ages and began to take toll on his rough teenage years.
   The war also continued on. Many battles were took place and still do but the unknown reason why the Mystics would attack and leave Gardia’s peace in dust remained untold.

AuraTwilight

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Cyrus Resurrection
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2005, 10:02:06 pm »
A few tips: Smaller paragraphs, check your spelling! Otherwise, it's pretty good.

Kazuki

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« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2005, 04:06:55 am »
Interesting story.

One gripe is that at times it's unclear who's speaking

Quote
Boy? Boy? Hey, wake up boy.” “Urah, where am I?” “At Gardia castle, my Mommy found you lying outside the castle in Gardia Forest and brought you in. You were a mess my mommy said; she said that she saw lots and lots of blood on you, but it’s okay now because your safe in the Castle. Sometimes when I’m really sad or scraed I walk over here and I feel better. I feel really safe especially when daddy comes home from the Inn. He gets too drunk and is really mean to me and mommy. Sometimes we get lots of blood on us too.”


This was a little confusing to read. And like Aura said, separating the paragraphs will increase readabilty (I believe that's a real word >_>) by far.

AuraTwilight

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« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2005, 12:22:23 pm »
I think the word you're looking for is literacy.

CatchRBFivy

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« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2005, 02:08:03 am »
When you write dialogue use spaces and indent.  I found it hard to follow most of the speaking since you didn't use much grammar in between or parenthetical phrases like, then he said etc etc.  I liked it, but where's Glenn?  They were childhood friends, and Cyrus is already a teenager by the end of the chapter.

Aitrus

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« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2005, 02:36:06 am »
Actually, he had the right word, readability.

readability, n
1: the quality of written language that makes it easy to read and understand
2: writing (print or handwriting) that can be easily read [syn: legibility] [ant: illegibility]

On the dialouge... I normally use paragraph breaks between speakers, and try to identify who's speaking with each paragraph of dialouge.  For example:

Quote
"There's too many of them!" Garai exclaimed.  "We'll have to fall back to the forest."

"No," Radius said bluntly.  "This is where the Acacia Dragoons make their final stand.  This is where we shall define ourselves for history, and make sure that they never forget what we made them pay!"

"For Termina, for Acacia, and for Freedom!"  The cry erupting from him, General Viper brandished his sword and charged the mass of Porrean troops in front of him, and not a single Dragoon stayed behind.


Here, I seperated between each speaker, allowing a paragraph break to define when a speaker change was made, and the paragraph itself telling the reader who the new speaker is.  In a two person exchange, that identification may not be needed all of the time, especially if the speaker has a distinctive way of speaking, such as a heavy accent which is conveyed by spelling and syntax, or if they're answering a direct question or such.  However, as a general rule, well defined breaks between speakers and letting the reader know who's speaking are good rules to follow.

Lordchander

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« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2005, 10:04:07 am »
Do we need to add a whole lines space though? When I write about ppl talking I just immediately start a new line when someone talks if u know what im saying.

Aitrus

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« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2005, 11:29:47 am »
Well, ideally it would be done with just a single break and a tab to indent the new paragraph.  On forums like this, a double break is easier, as indentations are reduced to a single space.  :oops:

Jake

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« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2005, 01:12:39 am »
This is just a demo chapter, nothing is really right in this part, but I will be making some major edits...

Gaara

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« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2005, 01:21:33 am »
Hey dude u may be the editor but ur not the writer! I am...

Jake

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« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2005, 01:23:08 am »
I kno i was just promoting it....

Kazuki

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« Reply #11 on: August 20, 2005, 01:50:34 am »
Shouldn't you, I don't know, put a sort of copyright over it? I wouldn't want random people promoting MY stories on message boards on their names without some sort of acknowledgement towards the author included before (Which, as far as I see, yours lacks.)

Gaara

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« Reply #12 on: August 20, 2005, 11:43:39 am »
I told him it was okay, besides hes part of our team to get it published. (Which I dought will happen but it will sure as hell make a killer fanfic)

Gaara

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Cyrus Resurrection
« Reply #13 on: August 22, 2005, 01:09:57 am »
Chapter 2
Glenn
Part 1
   “Cyrus hurry up, were gonna be late again because of you.” Liz yelled running after him impatiently. “I’m sorry; it’s just that Glenn was getting bullied again.” Cyrus said while catching his breathe.” “Well Glenn should really learn to stick up for himself instead of you having to fight for him,” Liz said frowning at the fact that Cyrus had taken a few hits while trying to protect Glenn, “I bet they’ve already started.” “You know we’re not supposed to spy on the Square Table.” Cyrus said. “So! How else are we going to find out about the battles around here and if we won them?” Liz asked still impatiently waiting. Cyrus shook his head and walked past Liz.
   They quickly navigated their way through Gardia Forest and reached Gardia Gate. It was quickly opened for them, and the friends made their way in. Cyrus never stopped awing at how beautiful Gardia Castle was. The whole castle made of stone. There were shields decorated on the walls, red velvet carpets that navigated its way through the castle, pictures of recent and distant heroes, pictures of distant kings and queens, swords of heroes, and many other pretty decorations. Many Knights stood guard at the front entrance and always eyed the two suspicious teenagers.
   They walked past all the Knights and turned left down a small hallway that turned right and in front of them were stairs that led to the Knights Chambers. Both Cyrus and Liz strolled down the stairs and stopped at the end to hear what was happening at the Square Table. “Welcome my Knights of the Square Table. Have you any news?” The Gardia King spoke out in a firm voice. “As you all know the battle at Cursed Woods was lost. Many Knights gave their lives defending that line of defense. It was a tragic lost and that battle will be remembered always. Mystics have gathered many forces in Cursed Woods and their plan is to move towards Porre. We are setting up a perimeter around the Cursed Woods to try and trick them. Then we overwhelm them with our Knights and take back what was ours.” Tocka said while taking his black and gold helmet off. All his armor was like that, it was black and gold. He wore a cape that was bright purple though. “Heh, look, helmet hair.” Liz snickered. Cyrus rolled his eyes and continued listening on in the conversation. “Who will lead this battle?” The King asked. “I will your majesty.” Tocka said standing straight up.
    Cyrus walked in and started heading straight towards the square table. “I have an idea.” Cyrus said ignoring the fact that he just intruded on their meeting. “Cyrus, you’re not supposed to be here.” Tocka said trying to push Cyrus to the doorway. “Wait let the boy speak. Let’s hear what you have to say.” The King said eyeing Cyrus in a curios look. “Thank you your majesty. Tocka was telling me that the Mystics have a weak navy. Seeing how Gardia is known for they’re navy, why not head to the back route of Cursed Woods, and fire some auxiliary into the trees. The Mystics will surly come out looking around then you blow it their faces. You could send some Knights in through the front gate and attack from both ways. There’s no way you could lose.” Cyrus said looking for the expressions on the other Knights faces. “That is a great plan, but seeing how a teenager is saying it I don’t know if it will work. How do you know about Gardia Military and Mystic Military?” One Knight asked. “The boy is right. I told him that, and you better listen to what he says. He sneeks into a lot of our meetings and understands anything. I think we should try his plan.” Tocka said putting his arm on Cyrus’s broad shoulder. “Then it’s settled. The attack will begin in three days. That should give you enough time to gather forces and ships. Let’s get moving!” The King shouted with excitement.
All the Knights started to head out of the Chambers including Cyrus but he was stopped when Tocka grabbed a hold of him. “How do you know about the back route to Cursed Woods?” Tocka asked. “I’ve been there before. Liz and I went together looking for treasures when we were about 11-years-old. Why?” Cyrus asked in a bit of confusion “Because that route has only been secret to everybody besides Gardia Knights. Who else have you shared that route with?” Tocka asked in a staged angry voice. “No one. I swear. Only Liz and I.” Cyrus said panicking at the anger in Tocka’s eyes. “Who has she told?” Tocka asked. “I don’t know. Nobody I think.” Cyrus said. “Good, run along home now. I’ll be home in a bit.” Tocka said while taking deep breaths and sitting down. Cyrus eyed him curiously and walked out of the room. Liz met him about half way up the stairs. “You have balls! I would have never spoken out like that in front of the whole Knights Chambers. You’re lucky we have a nice King.” Liz congratulated. Cyrus laughed then put his arm around Liz. “Let’s go back to the back route of Cursed Woods.” “What are frickin crazy!? Why would you wanna go back there, Mystics run it remember?!” Liz shouted while pushing Cyrus’s arm off her. “Not now retard. When we unload off the ships.” Cyrus said. “What the hell are you talking about and don’t call me retard!? Liz yelled. The two friends walked out of the Castle and started walking on the coble stone that stretched through Gardia Forest. “Listen. You know how we have always wanted to go to a battle?” Cyrus asked. Liz shook her head and started listening more closely. “Well we’re going to sneak on to one of the ships. Then after that, we’ll have a little fun with our Mystic friends.” Cyrus said. “You know, we’re gonna need weapons.” Liz said encouraging Cyrus’s thought. “It’ll be taken care of. So what do you say?” Cyrus asked looking Liz straight in the eye. “Okay. Alright I’ll come with you!” Liz said actually liking one of Cyrus’s ideas for the first time.

             One day went by then the next day the two friends hiked around Gardia, stopped by the Inn, played pranks on people, and even let young Glenn join with them knowing that this last day could be their last, but it was okay for them. Not because they were mainly stupid teenagers but because they would get to fight for the best Kingdom in the world. Night started to stretch its way across Gardia. Darkness crept everywhere and Glenn returned home. Cyrus and Liz also started to head home but they stopped next to the Truce Fountain to look at the stars. “Hey Liz, I’m sorry I called you a retard.” Cyrus said, speaking softer then usual. Liz chuckled then began to speak, “It’s alright. I know you didn’t mean it.” “Are you sure you want to come with me to Cursed Woods. You don’t have too.” Cyrus said alarming the fact that he might not see her again. “Oh c’mon I want to come. Don’t get all soft on me now!” Liz said. “It’s just the thought of losing you; I mean you’re my best friend and such a beautiful person. I don’t think I would like to see you die.” Cyrus spoke. “Who says that I’m going to die? As long as the most handsome boy in Gardia is with me, I think that I’ll be fine.” Cyrus turned and looked at her, he stroked her arm up and down. Cyrus moved his face close to hers. Liz moved her hand towards the back of Cyrus’s head and braced his head. She moved his face closer to hers, and kissed him. A deep and passionate kiss it was. For the next hour they made out in the moonlight until they fell asleep together next to the fountain. It was a great night for both of them and only their thoughts of waking for the next day drifted through their heads, because the next day would be a dreadful day…

Kazuki

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« Reply #14 on: August 22, 2005, 11:38:16 pm »
The plot is still good, but it needs some editting (not to be a grammar nazi.)

"Gardia" is Guardia, for one thing. Also you need to reread what you've written.

Quote
The whole castle made of stone.


And also, I suggest more spacing. It's still really hurting on the eyes trying to discern who's speaking in your dialogues.

If you would like some help editting, I can be a beta reader and give you some tips on making the fic more presentable if you like.