Author Topic: Savior of Sorrow  (Read 1900 times)

AuraTwilight

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Savior of Sorrow
« on: August 10, 2005, 11:59:34 pm »
Just some opening notes on this story. It's loosely based on the Chrono universe with some vague tie ins in the beginning, and you may be thinking that it's an original fiction. But as the story progresses, links to CT and CC will become clearer. Also, I expect reviews or I won't continue it. BWUAHAHA! </bitch>
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Prologue: Hark the Herald Angels Sing.

Bubbles. Droplets of Power. Droplets that splash and sent ripples in the river of time. This is the Chrono Trigger, which freezes, bends, and diverts the river of time, leading it to new oceans of destiny and new lands of fate. First the enigmatic egg. Pure potential that put as much effort into it's work as it's user, then there was the child. The Arbiter who would undo the work of his predecessor.

Back in forth, in an endless loop, These two stones of power battle over the river, and in the end, nothing reallys changes. But there shall come a third. A third who will bring Compassion to this Wisdom and Power, and will even shock Doreen of Dreams, bested at her own game of kindness.
And a single woman is caught in the middle, watching this battle, as her tears caused by the loss of her life and love, converges and forms the river of which they do battle. The Chrono Triggers fighting over the river, and the river being created by the fighting. Where did it begin, and where shall it end? Is this world just a whimsy?

But I digress. But who am I, you ask? I am Aura. I am that which seeks and guides all on it's way. I am the planet, which is part of my greater self. I am the Universe. I am the Entity whom controls time and space, and does battle with the Great Consumer across my creation. But this is not my story, nor that of the Chrono Triggers and their trophy maiden, but of that of a new life. A new life, a new saga, and a new world of possibilities.

A Flash of Light. Followed by wailing and crying....not. "Congradulations, Mr. and Mrs. Cassady, it's a boy! Not much of one...but..." Mr. Cassady, a tall and thick man with lush black hair and a distinquished mustache, furrowed his brow. "And what do you mean by that?" "He has Down Syndrome, and underdeveloped genitalia. He's no more a boy than a girl, to be technical; And he's already showing signs of autism. He's not crying."

The doctor handed the baby to Mrs. Cassady. She was a skinny, wrinkled woman with messy brown hair. Although she was still in the ripe years of her life, she was already scarred with weariness and fatigue. "He's beautiful." She stroked the baby. Indeed, he was underdeveloped, and although he clinged to his mother, he looked away into the corner, as if seeing something no-one else could. As if he was lost in a living dream of which no one could pull him out of.

"He sure is. Who's is he?" "Huh? What do you mean?" "Dawn, don't play stupid! We haven't had sex since Carissa was born, and yet we have three kids! What the hell?" "They look like you! How can there be any other explaination? I haven't left the house since I married you!"

The yelling and arguing continued, and outside were two children. A little girl and a little boy, roughly the same age, but the girl probably has a couple years on the boy. These were siblings Carissa and Joel of the Cassady lineage. Carissa had bright, straight, shiny blonde hair and was bursting with energy, while the little boy seemed to be her opposite, lethargic with dark hair like his father.

Carissa was having a conversation with her silent brother, no matter how one-sided it may be. "Hey Joey, what do you think the new baby will be like? Mommy and Daddy said I'd get to name it! Hee! If it's a girl...I'll pick Cynthia! And if it's a boy...um..." She grinned, remembering her favorite childhood movie, the Labrynth. "Ooh! Jareth, the Goblin King! I'll name him Jared! Jared Jared!"

Joel only nodded as his sister kept talking, and he walked over to the door of the room where his little brother was. Peeking in through the crack, he saw what transpired. No! Mommy and Daddy were fighting again! They were never like this when the new baby wasn't here! But ever since Mommy said she was expecting (In the mail, she said) Everything got worse. He hated it! He hated the new baby.

He began sobbing and ran over to his sister and clung to her, all the while, an invisible, silent black gust swirled throughout the hospital, and there stood a maiden with blue eyes and matching hair, donned in golden jewelry and purple robes. She seemed to be clutching a green pendant, unnoticed by the people going about their lives as they seemed to phase through her if she were in their way. Was she a ghost, a specter from the other side, or something much more ghastly? "The Black Wind. It is howling."

She turned her back to the family. What a shame. A light unlike anything ever seen, parrallel to the darkness of Lavos, would bring such a terrible darkness unto the cursed family unro which he was born. "What irony is this? For I was the only one who cared for the Earthbounders, submitting my family to Darkness as I was alone in the Light, and my legacy continues on in my heir, repeating the same tragic fate with him. Why must I be cursed so?"

"Why must good always suffer for their cause? For evil, however short-lived it may be, earns the priveledge of basking in happiness, while good must be damned to a fate of tragedy and strife. And yet, I sense something different in the boy across the Darkness before me. The Black Wind, who howls for all when the chill of death comes for them, dare not approacheth this child. What sets him apart, besides that which is laid out for him? Is he the fate who shall shatter his own shackles, or is he a toy of the Wind? An Arbiter to the Burning Ice of strife?" And she vanished, and was not missed.
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Wow, that really sucked o.o >.< Read and Review.

Daniel Krispin

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« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2005, 06:26:08 pm »
Actually, it didn't suck, really. It is quite well written, from what I can judge. Unfortunately, I have a despicably terrible time makeing a good appraisal from things that are disparate of my style, made worse when I am mind-tired (which I ever am, of late.) My style is more High Fantasy or maybe Epic in sound, if I can manage it, and it is difficult for me to judge things in another mode - as I said, most especially being tired, and compounded by the twofold fact of it being read on the computer (which is never all that good for memory and comprehension) and that it is but a start.

But as far as I can see, it appears well done. Spelling and grammar, two things often overlooked in fanfiction, is near-perfect. You also have a good choice of words, I think - more experimental and figurative than concrete, at times, which lends interest to the style and not simply the story. The only issue I can see is the use of 'approacheth'. Even I, who write in far more an archaic and formal a style than most (being greatly enamoured of the style of older epics, and am even now reading the Iliad) shy away from the use of the old endings, and would certainly not make use of them a single time only - oh, and the Black wind is an it, thus use 'which'. So I would wager to just say 'approach', or, rather, say 'The Black Wind, which howls for all when the chill death comes for them, dares not approach this child'... oh, yes, and make dare into dares. The wind is singluar. Minor comments, though, in the face of the whole.

You said you're 15? Because this is awefully good for a fifteen-year old.

Oh, one more thing. Never ever base your continuance of writing based upon reviews. It merely aggrivates people, and makes them less inclined to answer. I wrote almost 200,000 words with relatively few replies, and never once based my will to write it upon the volume of response.

AuraTwilight

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Savior of Sorrow
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2005, 01:38:03 am »
Chapter Two: The Princess and the Peon

Jared Cassady; the sweet baby that brought light and darkness, while fending the Black Wind. Schala stroked her hair as she watched him dream. He was so precious to her, but why? She felt a connection with him he feels neither with Janus, her brother, or Serge, her love. She watched him grow all these years, and before her was the fifteen year old boy, a Sophmore at a High School.

Yes, she was on Earth, and watching him grow, she learned all about the world. Apparently, here there was a team of game developers who's hidden psychic abilities peered into her own. How quaint. But she digressed. This child was the third Chrono Trigger, the King of Light, the Messiah of this world.

The boy stirred, as he began to awaken to the new morning. Oh how she wished he was waking to her, to embrace her as his mother. But that was not her role. She was here to protect him as a phantom. The boy was awake now, and he ran down the hall for breakfast, giggling like a buffoon.

He wasn't exactly a strapping lad. Shaggy brown hair like his mother's, slightly pudgy, and infested with acne. But his eyes, the windows into his soul, were vibrant, lively, and cheerful, and his personality was one of a kind. She remembered talking with Doreen over the subject of the King. Doreen, the Compassion of Masamune, was amazed that a mortal upstaged her in kindness. But of course, she wasn't aware he wasn't mortal, she mused.

"Drooling over our charge again, Schala-sama?" Schala blushed and turned to a phantom duplicate of Jared. The only difference was that there was a coldness to his eyes. A darkness that hides his true self, perhaps, as a shell to protect him from future tragedy. They were so much like Janus'.

"Yami-san! N-no! I was just thinking." She smiled, common for her these days. "He reminds me of so much I left behind. Everything, my mother, my brother, my kingdom, and my love. All because of Lavos. But he is my hope. To know that he will one day undo the damage of Lavos and save us all." Yami-san nodded. "Yes. He shall stop the next rising of Lavos, right?" "Right."

Yami-san, the boy called him. Ironic that the boy's guardian and dark side would be named this. She loomed over the boy to his computer screen when he went to his 'forums'. He acts very much like an ota-otaku? He's obsessed with those animations of his and pretends to adopt the culture of the kingdom of Japan. Of course, she would never admit that she was a personal fan of a program named Sailor Moon. It reminded her so much of home. She'd often pretend she were the Moon Princess, and that her Tuxedo Kamen, Serge, would come to take her to an even better kingdom where she'll be united with her loved ones.

Hi! I'm Jared! Pleased to meet you! Heehee! Odd, you're not fawning over me? Cool! Everyone around here is so stuffy, treating me like some king. I hate cults, don't you? Can you believe it? My own family managed to get the nation into thinking I'm a god. Can't say I blame them. I do have magical powers. I wonder if I'm Japanese? SUGOI! "Jared! Jared, wake up! It's a school day!"

Oh, it's Yami-San. He's my imaginary friend. Are you his brother or something? Everyone passes through you just like they do him. It's like you're a lost soul drifting amongst the living. A person who abandoned the reality you knew to watch me. Bah, what am I saying? I need to get up to school. Now go away while I get dressed and go to the bathroom.

...Ok, I'm ready! C'mon, let's go get breakfast! I smell bacon! I head downstairs to see the usual members of my household. My mommy and my brother, along with my dog, Sugar, begging for scraps. My dad works around this time of day, and my sister's at college. Do you have a family?

OOO wait, nevermind! We're having bacon-cheeseburgers and cream of broccoli soup for breakfast! What's your problem? Well, my family is sort've wierd. But that's how I like things. Since when does any of the good Anime have normal families? I'm still expecting my dog to pull off a Hadoken! Heehee!

Schala and Yami-san watched Jared as he ate, Yami's face twisting in disgust. "Ew! How can he eat this trash for breakfast?" Schala sighed. "You don't have a positive comment about anything, really? You really are Jared's opposite." She snickered. "Oh shut up! When his stupidity and innocence get him killed I'll..." "-mourn? C'mon, he's your other side. You love him just as much as I do." Yami blushed. "I'm not gay!" "I didn't intend anything of the sort. How come when the word love is brought up, you instantly go to a sexually vulgar state of mind? As the children say, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Beltane presents. Or is it Kwanza? Augh, this world is too diverse."

"Ha! Pwned!" Schala moaned. "Oh come now, don't start. Kid's language was bad enough. Don't make me regurgitate with that "leet" nonsense." Yami grabbed Schala's hand and started pulling her. "Hey! Don't grab my arm like some criminal!" "Jared's leaving for school, you dumb blonde!" "Hey, shouldn't we get Jared's alarm first? It's buzzing." "His mom will take care of it, we have our priorities!" The two spectres chased the boy, who raced his brother to the bus stop.

Schala likened Jared's brother, Joel, as Jared's other opposite, as the Black Wind always hanged over him. Meanwhile, the alarm Schala heard kept ringing. A sticker, presumably placed by Jared, rested on the alarm clock. It read "Nadia's Bell."

Daniel Krispin

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Savior of Sorrow
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2005, 03:03:51 am »
Hmmm... are you certain you wish to mingle the Chrono world with our modern one? It seems a little strange to me. Admittedly I do cross over our world and the Chrono one myself in my writing, yet it is only ancient history, that of 3000BC to the fall of Rome, and only in an attempt to fill in the missing spaces of history. I don't know... it just doesn't feel right to me to put modernalities, such as current TV shows and the like, into a story that is originally set in a fantasy time.
Also, something in the setup and flow seems discordant. I cannot figure if this lies within the telling or within the style. I found the thing with a dark-sided echo somewhat strange, and could not understand the purpose or rationale behind it, and perhaps it was this. Anyway, keep working on it.

As I said, though, it is difficult for me to say, as my style hearkens more of High Fantasy, and, when I can manage, the old Epic literature. My heroes follow the old molds, and their setting and actions are taken from history and from legend. As such, it is difficult to consider something that is so disparate: I have learned to, and usually can, remove any form too colloquial from my writing, and look upon any that remain with disdain. This is not to say it is bad, I simply cannot abide it in my own work, and thus it is foreign to me. When I read it in another's I must give the author the benefit of the doubt, and as such anything but grievous errors are permissable to my eyes. Hopefully in time my understanding of these things will become more keen, however.

AuraTwilight

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« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2005, 12:36:20 pm »
Well, the setting won't remain in our time and space for long. Just you wait and see. I'll post up the next chapter later. Right now I'm busy with work.

AuraTwilight

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« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2005, 06:53:21 pm »
Chapter Three: The Black Wind of the Black Gate.

Joel sighed as he rode the bus to school that day. It was an autumn morning, and although his little brother, the Retard, tried to keep him optimistic, he was his constant grumpy self. "Jared, leave me alone." "but onii-chan! Today's the first day of the school year! Isn't it great?" "No!" "But all the new teachers, and the classes, and new friends, and the luuuunches." He began drooling as he "did a Homer" as Yami described it. Yami and Schala snickered, unheard by mortal ears. Yami's, of course, was heard by the King.

"Yami-san? What's so funny?" The doppleganger shook his head. "Nothing, Jare-kun." Jared grinned, and his brother whacked him in the back of the head. "Ow!" "Quit talking to yourself, idiot! People are staring!" "It's not my fault I can see things no one else can! I'm special! Mommy said so!" "Yea, because you're autistic, you jerk!" "I get better grades!"

This struck a cord as the older boy rose up, grabbed his brother by the neck, and slammed him into the window. "Shut the hell up! I don't give a damn about school!" Yami and Schala covered their ears as the screech of the Black Wind rattled them both. The two spectres tried to restrain Joel as he continued his treatment to the younger King. "Joey, you're hurting me!" Joel's eyes flared with a hatred locked away for fifteen years as he pressed harder. "AHH! Stop it!"

Jared's eyes snapped open, the whites of his eyes blood red as salty brine exited his eyes. "Joey, stop! What's wro-AHH!" Joel kneed Jared in the stomach and threw him to the ground. By now, students were screaming and the bus driver is trying to restrain Joel. The two spectre guardians of the King rushed to the child. "Jared, are you alright?" Schala shook his shoulder. "What do you think? He just got his cranium bashed into the floor! What the hell is up with that little bastard?" "Yami, calm down. Rash actions will get us nowhere."

Yami sighed. "Alright." Jared began shivering now. "Jare-kun, what's wrong?" "Jared! Come on!" The boy began gurgling and shaking violently as the bus began lifting into the air. Everyone began screaming as the  bus driver dashed over to the wheel, but a black Gate opened up and tore the bus apart, scattering everyone inside throughout the reaches of time and space. Schala and Yami clung to Jared, losing track of everyone else, and the two could only gasp in horror, barely from tears, as the final glimpse of the world being that of the ground splitting open.

AuraTwilight

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« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2005, 10:15:09 pm »
Chapter Four: Angelus Errare

Schala rubbed her head in a daze as she saw Yami and Jared digging through a wall of snow. Jared turned from his work and smiled. "Schala-chan! You're awake! Great, help us dig through this snow." The boy went back to digging through the snow with his frostbitten hands.

Schala gasped. "Y-you can see me?" She was amazed when she realized she could feel the cold when she shivered. Yami chuckled. "Yea, we're physical now. Wherever we are, the two of us have bodies of our own." Finally, the two boys break through the wall of freezing powder and discover a few stray tents and villagers in rags.

"Oh my Lord!" Schala gasped. "We-We're-" The Earthbound Ones? She's returned home! "We're in 12,000 BC!" The group then began wandering the village to gather information, and in Schala’s case, to reminisce. Meanwhile, a man wearing dark colors with long blue hair was meditating on a mountain, perhaps trying to gain inner peace. Then, his eyes abruptly snapped open, revealing a morbid red hue. “Schala!”

Back at the village, our protagonists were talking with the villagers. “Excuse me? Have you seen my classmates?” Most of the villagers didn’t really know what classmates were, exactly, so they simply shook their heads, ignored him, or something similar. Schala cleared her throat, getting the attention of the two boys. “Well, since we’re not going to gain anything by asking around, maybe we should search for them ourselves?” Yami shrugged, and Jared smiled. “Great Idea!”

Jared began dashing past the group, hollering for his classmates cheerfully. “That idiot, I’ll fucking kill him!” Yami dashed after him, causing Schala to roll her eyes and chase after the both of them. “Wait up!” “Heehee! They have to be around here somewh-“A dark figure swooped down and gagged Jared, vanishing with him. When Yami and Schala lost their breath and stopped at where Jared was last seen, they realized they could no longer here Jared’s hollering.

Jared would be kicking and screaming as he was carried to a cave near North Cape. “Lemme go! Lemme go! I need to find my brother!” “Shut up!” The man threw Jared to the floor, and it was only then did Jared see his face. “Oh my gosh! You’re-“The man’s red, menacing eyes stared into Jared’s innocent chocolate brown. “Janus! Schala-chan’s little brother!” “My name is Magus!” He slapped Jared across the cheek. “I abandoned that name long ago! Now tell me, what connections do you have to my sister?” “None, I just met her today!” “Liar! Your aura is linked to hers! Your connection to her is deeper than first acquaintances!”

“I don’t know, she might be Yami-san’s friend?” “And who is that?” “He’s my Yami no Boku!” The boy giggled, and Magus rolled his eyes. “I don’t think I want to know. I just have to hope Schala comes for you, and if she doesn’t, I’ll have to kill you!” Jared nodded feebly. Magus, he seems different than he was in Chrono Trigger. He seems even meaner than normal. Why didn’t he take Schala, if he was going to be taking anyone? It’s almost like he’s trying to break Schala. But that’s not right. He then started crying and biting his thumb.

The Black Wind was howling as a dark figure smiled. “Heh, run, you fools. Run to the ends of the Earth for your King.” The being’s voice was deep and masculine, although occasionally it cracked like that of a teenager’s as he gazed into two mirrors. One showed Magus and Jared, surrounded by black and white auras respectively, and Schala and Yami running through a forest with the same types of auras. However, Jared’s aura was the brightest of them all and nearly twice as thick.

“The wingless angel shall die, and the world’s beauty shall fall with it.” The figured cackled maniacally and walked down a corridor, surrounded by pods of a gooey substance with the missing classmates and bus driver within each one.

AuraTwilight

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« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2005, 03:04:57 pm »
Chapter Five: Choice of the Chosen

That night, while Jared remained in Magus' custody, he had a dream. A vivid dream of great emotion and desire. There were two lights before him, one from a sword and one from a flame.

"King of Light, awaken! Awaken in a state of slumber." He opened his astral eyes in this dreamy realm and found two cloaked, yellow elf-like figures surrounded by a strange wind.

"We are the brothers Masa and Mune, of Power and Wisdom respectively. We have come to you, O King, in hopes that you can complete us. We miss our sister, Doreen of Compassion, but we sense that you will suffice." The two brothers spoke off interchanging, the speaker switching with each sentence.

Jared was only left confused. "Huh? Why me, and what's that?" He pointed to the fire. "This is the Frozen Flame, source of human enmity. We come to you to choose. To destroy the Frozen Flame with the Masamune, or to destroy Masamune with the Frozen Flame. The choice is yours."

Jared scratched his head. "But...if I destroy Masamune, then you'll cease to exist, and if I destroy the Frozen Flame, nothing will change. Humans will go on with their enmity. There's no point. Besides the fact that the Frozen Flame gave us what makes us human. Good and Evil, right? I will not destroy either. They both have equal rights to life."

The spirits remained silent, but they grinned all the same, pushing Jared out of his dream. When the boy awakened, he found that Magus was still awake, guarding the boy. "What will happen if Yami-san and Schala-chan don't come?" He quivered.

Magus glared. "I'll have to kill you, obviously." Magus furrowed his brow and threw another stick in the fire. Jared knew he had to escape regardless, but how? The boy bit his lip. “Why are you doing this?” “That’s none of your concern.” “Yes it is! You’re holding me hostage!” “Sigh, fine. I’ll tell you. It was over a month ago, and I was still searching for Schala…” Jared listened intently as the story began to unfold.

Mystik3eb

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« Reply #8 on: October 19, 2005, 09:59:39 pm »
Your writing style is commendable, though you really should seperate different people talking with a paragraph. You have great grammar and everything, which I respect. You're being very creative with this.

But I do have a couple gripes. Magus isn't in character, really. He wouldn't repeat himself, for one thing, and he wouldn't explain himself for another, he'd threaten. Also the whole idea your story seems to be based on feels a little too far-fetched. There are some elements I like, others I don't. I need to see this all the way through before I make a final decision though.

You're a good writer, know that. Keep it up.