For a long time, I actually though I wouldn't live long enough to be 20... and yet here I am, finally on this day. I'm glad to have been wrong all this time. Although... to be honest, it just doesn't feel like much. I don't feel much different from being 19. Well anyway, hopefully I still have a long road ahead of me, and even if not, I'll still make the most out of it.
I used to have a similar thought; I never thought I'd live past 21. My childhood was shit and it made me very depressed and suicidal and I had planned to buy a handgun at 21 (legal age here to buy one), and well, you know. Figured it would be the most painless way to go.
My life hasn't really gotten better since then. Good things have happened and great times have caused happy tears to flow, but there's still a lot of sadness and angst and looking at the world around me, it's hard some times not to let it drag me down and keep me in dark places.
I've made mistakes that have periodically helped rip my head from my own ass and as I continue living day after day, week after week as time goes on into years and decades, I find strength and understanding and purpose. I had an accidental overdose when I was 20; popped a valium cause I was having a bad day and then popped four more (highest dosage of valium, all of them) and then blacked out. After blacking out, I took 14 more valiums and 6 anti-depressants. You want a painless way to go, that's the best; but nobody should go out of this world like a bitch; not like that. I think people need to stand up and roar like a lion roars, and struggle and fight against their troubles.
Here I am, now; 27; and my life is going nowhere in terms of societal growth. I live at home with my grandparents and lack the means to get out and do something in terms of getting a job. Because I'm unable to work, live in a ghetto, etc; I'm looked down on, my behavior is looked down on. I haven't been with anyone in over 5 years; partly by choice to avoid unnecessary drama; partly because I tend to fuck things up and I don't want to hurt anybody.
But, I've come a long way from who I was back then. When you look back on days and weeks, there's not much overall change; it's not apparent. But when you mark your progress in years, there's a lot of change. It's like looking at an extremely messy house and knowing you have to clean it all up. You can look at the whole mess and despair, saying, 'it's going to take me forever to clean this up,' and it will take forever because at every step of the way, you'll stop and look at how much you have left and spend more of your time feeling sorry for yourself.
But, if you just jump into it; pick a spot and go; without too much thought, it won't seem like it took so long when you're done and you'll see all the progress you made. Then it becomes a matter of keeping on top of yourself to keep it clean, so you can notice when clutter moves in, rather than letting it build up to that point of despair.
You're at a time in your life when your emotions are at their highest, due to hormones, and your understanding and depth of thought have yet to catch up. Get to know yourself fully, it's one of the few worthwhile things to do in life.
