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Topics - Sajainta

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General Discussion / The Romanticism of Violence.
« on: October 07, 2011, 06:52:40 am »
I'll start off by describing a dream I had a few nights ago.

Monday night, D and I visited my parents up north and I took a quick nap at their house, having not slept the night before.  While I slept I had a rather disturbing dream.

I had written a short biography of what happened my freshman year of high school, and the outcome was unsettling.  Quite a few women, after reading said biography, developed an unhealthy obsession with Jeff (if you don't know who that is, I'm sure you can guess).  They had crushes on him, they found him endearing, they claimed they wished they could have been in my place so they could have been his little whore / object / personal cutting board / personal knife sharpener, and his "favourite doll" (his words, not mine).

They said I didnít understand him, that I was wrong in passing judgment on him.  That he was simply misunderstood.

The sad part is the dream wasnít far from the truth.  We glorify criminals.  And Iím not talking about petty criminals, nor am I talking about people who are simply fascinated by people who commit serious crimes, because that is understandable.  Iím talking about people who glorify violence, describe serious criminals as being ďmisunderstoodĒ, and think it is somehow romantic.

Iíve read stories upon stories about people sending letters to inmates who are pedophiles, serial rapists, serial killers, and the like asking them to marry them.  All while fully knowing that the criminals are guilty.

I do not know what possesses said people to want to be in contact with those kind of criminals, let alone want to marry them.  I do not know.

You see this happen in fiction all the time.  People attaching themselves to awful, evil characters and saying they have crushes on them and that they admire them.

And I worry, I worry so much whether someone who knows what happened to me during that time in Hell walks away thinking that Jeff was simply misunderstood.  That despite everything he did, it was somehow admirable.

He was charming, yes.  He was powerful, yes.  He was brilliant, yes.  He was probably the most intelligent person I have ever met.  I am certain that he was a genius.

But he was devoid of empathy, of remorse, of any kind of emotion.  He thrived off of manipulating and intimidating other human beings.  He did not consider them to be human beings.  In his mind, he was god.  In his mind, everyone else was simply a pawn.  In his mind, what he was doing was beautiful.  What he was doing was creation.  In his mind, the destruction of a human psyche was the greatest artwork of all.

He harmed people for the sheer pleasure of it.  There was nothing that gratified him more than brutalizing someone physically, sexually, or emotionally.  Or, in my case, all three.  Because I have the best luck.

And I know if he were a character in a popular book that people would fangirl and fanboy over him.  They would giggle and write fanfics and draw fanart and swoon over this violent, psychopathic, sadistic rapist, murderer, and slave-driver.

Because we glorify violence.  Humanity always has.  Itís the aestheticization of violence.  There will always be people who have crushes on people like Patrick Batemen and Hannibal Lecter.  Or real-life criminals.

There will always be people who think that people like Jeff are simply misunderstood, and find what they do to be beautiful or romantic.

The romanticism of violence disturbs me in so many ways.  And why do we do this?  Why does humanity do this?  Why do we find violence to be somehow sublime, artistic, and (in some cases) beautiful?  And I'm talking about humanity as a whole, not just in this day and age.

Why do some people see violence as sexually pleasing, or artistic, or sophisticated?  Because I honestly do not understand.

General Discussion / Synesthesia.
« on: May 25, 2011, 09:53:23 am »
So far, I only know two other people on here who have synesthesia--Syna and Uboa.  I hope there are more of you!

For those of you who don't know what this is, here's the very informative Wikipedia article.  To be succinct, it's a neurological condition in which the brain combines senses.  People with synesthesia--such as myself--can taste speech, or see emotions, or personify numbers and letters.  It's automatic and involuntary, and is something you're born with.  From various books I've read, roughly one out of every 9,000 or 10,000 people is a synesthete.

It's not a form of brain damage (as one idiot asked me), nor it is a mental disorder or hallucinatory (as another idiot asked me).  It's just something that's always been there.  Synesthetes cannot imagine living without it, just as non-synesthetes cannot imagine how one can taste mushroom soup when they hear certain drum beats.  It's as natural to us as breathing.

Most synesthetes thought that EVERYONE thought the same way they did until they learned otherwise.  I didn't realise that I was "different" until I was 18.  Before then, I just assumed everyone thought that four was sky-blue and a matronly figure, or that Cebuano tasted like bananas, or that my mother's voice tasted like very sweet cake.  When I found out that I was mistaken, I felt awful and thought there was something "wrong" with me.  It wasn't until six months later when I came across a Newsweek article about synesthesia that I realised that there was nothing wrong with me--my brain was just wired differently than the majority of other people.  That was a wonderful day--when I found out that there was a name for it and that I wasn't weird or alone.

The amusing thing about synesthesia is that no two synesthetes are alike.  For example, S to me has always been a light green to me--the same colour as the words May and Saturday, and the same colour as the number two.  Another synesthete I know sees S as a dark yellow.  That, to me, is just WRONG!  It's equivalent to someone claiming that 2+2=5 or that the earth is flat.  Those are WRONG, and S being any kind of yellow is just as wrong to me.  And they feel the same way about my S being light green.  It's just factually incorrect for them.

This kind of thing has led to a lot of interesting, teasing debates with fellow synesthetes.  ^_^

There are a tonne of different types of synesthesia.  The most common one is grapheme-colour (seeing numbers and letters in colour).  I have that one--hence my S being light green and my four being sky-blue.  Every number and every letter has their own colour.

Words are comprised of many different colours which kind of "blend" together, with the most "prominent" colour or sound dominating the rest of the word.  I know that sounds extremely strange and probably really complicated.

I taste sounds.  Spoken words, languages, music, and random sounds.  Driving in a car and hearing the wheels move over certain kinds of road tastes like chocolate cake; my boyfriend's voice tastes like banana bread; Arabic tastes like baked potatoes; and music is a combination of all kinds of different tastes.

Every instrument has their own taste, and even that taste varies depending on the way the instrument is being played, or the tempo.  Drums can taste anywhere from peanut butter and / or chocolate to mushroom soup to pomegranate.  Most synthesizers taste like ketchup.  Wind chimes taste like ice.  Acoustic guitar mostly tastes like chicken nuggets.

So when I hear a song, I'm tasting anywhere from three to fifteen different sounds all at once.  It can be really overwhelming!

I touch sounds as well.  Buzzing sounds feel like a very hot, rather rough object in the palm of my hand.

I can see music as colour, but it's not very prominent and it's not note-by-note as it is for a lot of synesthetes.  A song will have an overall colour.

Every number has a personality.  My favourite number is six.  He's around 19 or so.  Scathing wit, extremely sarcastic and very clever.  I even forgive him for being bright bubble-gum pink.  My least favourite number is seven.  He's dark blue, around the same age as six (although slightly younger) and is arrogant and smug and kind of a stereotypical jock.  So when people say seven is a lucky number I think they're insane.  XP

I also have number form synesthesia, which is very hard to explain so I'll just give you a link.  =)

Tl;dr, but I love talking about this.  Synesthesia is the best neurological condition ever.  My friends say it's like I have super powers.  8)

Any questions?  Any other synesthetes?

Welcome / Birthday / Seeya! Forum / Saj's One Year Compendiumversary!
« on: August 24, 2010, 03:19:13 am »
Today is my one year anniversary of being a Compendiumite.  :D  Thanks everyone, for making the past year on here extremely fun for me.  And a very special thanks to those of you whom I truly consider to be friends (you know who you are ^_^ ).  You guys are fantastic, and have helped me in so many ways.  I could never express my extreme gratitude for how you have helped me, so this measly "Thank you so much" will have to suffice.

I also think it's pretty awesome that I just passed the 1,000 post count only a few days ago.

And in my own wee celebration, a new ravatar theme!  Any guesses as to what it is?  =)

General Discussion / My daughter rests in the planet's dream.
« on: March 09, 2010, 03:12:41 am »
Today is the anniversary of the day that my daughter died.  Naive people say that time heals all wounds, but that is infuriatingly untrue.

I miss her so much.  Every day.

But she will not be mourned in silence today.  My boyfriend D and my good friends here at school and all over the world will mourn her today with me.  She did not get to live long...but she is loved by so many.

She means everything to me.

I love her so much.  I miss her.  I miss her every day.  And I love her every day.

I am so blessed beyond all reason to have been her mother, if only for a few months.

Welcome / Birthday / Seeya! Forum / It's Saji Day!
« on: February 14, 2010, 01:02:20 am »
Happy birthday to me.  :mrgreen:  (Yes I am a Valentine's baby.)

Eat some cake (or some V-Day chocolate, whichever you prefer) on my behalf.  :D

I don't know if this has been asked before.  This is something I recently started thinking about, and I really have no idea.  We all know that Crono ends up in his house and that Lucca jumps around time for a bit, but what about before then?  After the crew defeats Lavos, where do they end up?  The End of Time?  Whatever time period in which you chose to fight the Black Omen?

Edit::  I was thinking of the ending with all the sidequests completed, but the question still stands for me regardless of the ending.

General Discussion / Human Trafficking Awareness Day
« on: January 11, 2010, 03:06:37 am »
I was going to post this in the Fuck Sexism thread, but I was afraid it was going to get lost in the recent religious discussion.  So I'm making a new topic, because I think this deserves its own topic.

Today (January 11th) is Human Trafficking Awareness Day.  Please, do what you can to try and spread awareness about this despicable reality that so many people are unaware of.  27 million people are enslaved right now, existing in what can only be described as a horrific nightmare.
Not For Sale Campaign
End Human Trafficking
Stop the Traffik

It needs to end.  No one has the right to own another human being.

I am not for sale.  Neither are you.

Please educate yourself and help educate others.

Thank you.

General Discussion / Premarital Sex
« on: December 18, 2009, 02:30:20 am »
"Your virginity is the greatest gift you can give your husband."

Excuse me?  Seriously?  Seriously?  How about my devotion to him?  My pledge to support, challenge, and stand by his side for the rest of my life?  My public promise to love and care for him?

Oh, I guess that all falls flat in the face of one's hymen being intact or not.

Women are not objects.  We do not exist in order for men to fuck us.  When you say that your virginity is the best thing you can give to your spouse, you're objectifying yourself and you're objectifying everyone else.  You're essentially saying (whether you acknowledge it or not) that the best thing a woman can offer a man is her body.  Which is bullshit and a fucking quarter.

Virginity or non-virginity has nothing to do with love.  So you've decided to wait until you're married to have sex.  Coolness.  I didn't.  That doesn't make me less of a person than you.  That doesn't cheapen my love for my boyfriend (and most likely future husband).  It does not make me a whore, it did not demean our relationship, and it certainly did not damage it.  The greatest gift I will give my husband will be my love and dedication, not my virginity.  Not my body.

Welcome / Birthday / Seeya! Forum / Adieu!
« on: November 25, 2009, 06:25:33 pm »
...At least for a wee bit.  I'm headin' out to my parent's house within the next hour (hopefully) and I'll be having a grand ol' time with my crazy family, my wonderful cat, and my amazing D.  <3

To those of you who celebrate Thanksgiving, Happy Thanksgiving!  For those of you who don't, hope you have a great Thursday + weekend!

See ya on Monday!

General Discussion / Fuck Sexism. Fuck Misandry.
« on: November 15, 2009, 06:09:58 am »
Perhaps it is because this forum is mostly populated by males, but I've felt--having read through the entire "Fuck Sexism" thread--that misandry has not really been addressed on this site.  Of course, please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.  I have the horrid habit of skimming sometimes.

I have been hesitant to write this post because I was scared I would deeply offend or deeply hurt many of you (or perhaps you would be both offended AND hurt), but it is something I need to get off my chest.  It has been kept a secret for too long, and I have only told a few people.

It will be no surprise to many of you who know a bit about me and my past that for a very long time I was a misandrist.  Almost 10 years, from the time when I was 9 up until I was almost 19.  Something abominably horrid happened to me when I was 9 that caused me to fear and hate men.  That fear and hatred did not go away, but was only magnified by what happened when I was 14 and 15, back when I was in Hell.

I hated all men, regardless of their ethnicity, age, or nationality.  I was deeply, deeply frightened of them, and I was terrified that they were going to hurt me.  This included my father and my brothers, even though they have never, EVER hurt me in any way or have given me any cause to loathe or fear them.  And that was sexist.  I do not care if it was understandable, it was sexist all the same.

I've been blogging for over 5 years, and I've met many other women who have been abused in some way or another by men.  Many of them feel the same way I did for a long time.  And that is sexist.  I feel their pain, and I understand, but it is sexist.

I no longer despise all males.  It was a choice I made back when I was 18.  I reflected upon my hatred, and knew that it needed to stop.  I understood (and I still understand now) that my fear of men will never entirely go away, but it is not fair for me to hate half the population of the Earth.  So I let go of my hatred.

Soon after that I met D, my boyfriend.  He is the single most kind, patient, compassionate, and gentle person I have ever met.  His love is the closest thing to unconditional.  He puts up with so much of my shit, and so many of my issues and phobias and mental disorders.  And believe's very difficult to date someone with so many issues.  Yet he stays with me, through all of my internal struggles and through all of the external horrors that have happened to us since we've started dating (which I won't go into).  He still stays, and I love him all the more for it.  Plus, he's the reason I love the Chrono series.  ^_^

I trust D, completely and fully.  I never thought that would happen.  Ever.

Unfortunately, he is the only man whom I completely and truly trust.  He is the only man I do not fear.

(This stretches beyond gender--he is the only person period whom I fully trust and do not fear, but that is not the point of this post.)

My trust for my father and brothers has grown, but I still do not trust them fully.  I still fear them.  I still fear my male friends.  I fear all of you male Compendiumites, reading this.  And I am sorry.

This next part will be very difficult to write...  And I know it is irrational.

I have this secret, underlying, terrible fear that the only purpose of men talking to me, befriending me, or being kind to me is based on sexual desire.  (This is not based on arrogance, this is a fear.)

Even worse (and it pains and horrifies me to admit this), I am terrified, absolutely terrified, that every single male I know (save my boyfriend) secretly wants to hurt me very badly.  Beat me, use me, rape me.

I have this underlying, horrific fear that all men on this planet have the potential to be rapists, or are rapists in training, or are rapists only in their mind.

And it is disgusting, I know.  And it is irrational, I know.  And it is awful and sexist, I know.  I hate myself for feeling this way and for having this fear.

I am sorry, Compendiumites.  I am trying to counter this underlying hatred and fear.  It is very difficult.  I am trying.

General Discussion / Loss.
« on: November 03, 2009, 02:11:20 am »
I'd post this in the frustration thread, but it's more than a frustration.  I'd post it in the hate thread, but it's more than a hate.

I know I have lost a lot of my intellectual capabilities because of what happened.  They pumped me full of too many drugs (not by my choice) that messed with my brain, and I suffered too much head trauma.  Concussions are a bitch.

That is difficult enough, but it was the mind-games and dehumanization that almost drove me over the edge.  I don't know how many of you have been in situations where you are constantly being emotionally and intellectually manipulated and (for lack of a better word) completely mentally fucked with, but if you have been then I'm sure you can understand.  And then the mental abuse and dehumanization was mirrored by all the other kinds of abuse, and the physical dehumanization.

It is difficult to break the human spirit, but it is not impossible--and for an extremely intelligent, sadistic, sociopathic mind it is not only easy, but gratifying.  I truly believe that had it lasted longer, I would have been completely destroyed.  I was nothing more than an object to him, to them.  He did not even call me by my name--he called me "Object" and referred to me as "it" and "thing".  The constant degradation--both physical and mental--wore me down completely.  Believe me, in the beginning I resisted him.  In the beginning I spoke up against him, against his assertions that I was a whore, a toy, a thing.  Against him saying that I wanted it, that I was enjoying it, that I deserved it.  But the physical resistance only gave him pleasure, and the mental resistance only resulted in horrific physical punishment.

And how does a person fix that?  My body is forever altered because of what transpired, but he inflicted far more damage on my mind than he ever did on my body.

I have able to retain some of my sanity and some of my reason, but so much was lost.  I have been able to regain some of that sanity and some of that reason, but I know I will never regain all of it.  I know it is lost for good.  Both because of the serious injuries that were sustained and because of the mental torture.

It is infuriating and saddening and horrifyingly frustrating because I value intelligence so highly.  I am not the same person I was "before", by a long shot.  I've grown to accept it.  It's a bitter pill to swallow, but I've had to accept it.  That does not make it any less bitter and that does not make this any easier.

I lost many things, back then, back in Hell.  My daughter, my humanity, any sense of "ownership" over my own body, any faith or hope I had in the human race, and so much of myself.  And so much of my intellect.  It makes me want to cry forever, or scream "IT'S NOT FAIR." over and over and over again.  But the universe is objective; it owes me nothing, the man who did these things certainly does not care and even is happy and proud about what he did, and screaming won't change anything.

But it is not fair.

Chrono / Gameplay Casual Discussion / Chrono Shirt Ideas!
« on: October 22, 2009, 10:11:58 pm »
Since it seems Chrono-related shirts are a bit pricey (:() I've decided I want to make my own, with Sharpies.  I did it once with an old hoodie and made it into an Umbrella Corp. shirt (any other Resident Evil fans here?  :)).  Since I'm not particularly artistic, I think it turned out pretty awesome.

Bask in the glory of my pink hair and video-game nerdiness!

And the back::

Apologies for the shitty camera quality.  And considering I drew the Umbrella symbol and wrote the words over 2 years ago, I'm fairly impressed with how well it's kept.  It did used to be bright red, but still...after a good 2 years of washing and occasionally being exposed to rain and snow, I'd say it's a job well done!

Now for the question...

I am a MUCH bigger Chrono fan than I am a Resident Evil fan, and I really, really want a Chrono-related shirt.  I have a white shirts (sadly, no more white hoodies) that I want to decorate.  I just have no idea what I would put on there.  Quotes?  A picture?

So friends!  Romans!  Compendiumites!  Countrymen!  Lend me your suggestions!

General Discussion / Your Heroes.
« on: October 21, 2009, 12:02:25 pm »
Who are your heroes, and why?  It doesn't matter if they're living or dead, real or fictional, someone you know personally or someone you've never met.

Fan Art / My first Chrono fan art ever.
« on: October 07, 2009, 09:06:48 pm »
EDIT::  I found a scanner!  I deleted the other two pictures, so this is the actual scanned image.

Oh, and please don't try and fake my signature or try to find me with it or anything.  I doubt you could do either but meh...I'm paranoid.  XD


I drew this about a week and a half ago with oil pastels.  I don't consider myself an artist by any means, but I do love drawing, especially with oil pastels.

I don't have access to a colour scanner, so I took pictures with my pretty crappy camera.  The pictures don't really do the colours justice.  It's a bit more, I don't know, "abstract" than some other fan art I've seen but I figured I'd post it.

It's a picture of Magus and Schala.

Polling / Did you ever cry while playing the games?
« on: October 06, 2009, 07:04:32 pm »
I certainly did, mostly during CC.  I cried a little when Belthasar died in CT (all he wanted to do was go home :(.  Plus, that music is SO DAMN SAD!).

And then the new DS ending...  :cry:.

I was an absolute wreck during CC.  Lucca's letter?  Entire ending of the game?  Yeah, I was bawling my eyes out.

That's one of the many reasons why the Chrono games are my favourite games of all time.  I love a lot of video games, but none of them have moved me to the point of tears, let alone to the point of I-can-hardly-breathe-gulping-for-air wailing that I was doing during CC.  You know a game is good when the characters and events are so powerful that they can evoke such strong feelings.

How about you?  I'm really curious about this.

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