Chrono Compendium
Termina Esplanade - Special Events and Feedback => Dream Splash Contests => Dream Splash V - Middle Ages [2012] => Topic started by: Legendary Biologist on January 11, 2013, 06:33:54 am
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Hello, everybody.
I have written a string of haikus about Frog mourning over Cyrus' death.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8897230/1/Bereavement
Feedbacks are welcome! :)
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Seriously, I loved it! Although I notice that you've actually strayed from the traditional Japanese necessities of a proper Haiku, and I wouldn't blame you for it, considering despite the shortness of the form it can be quite a pain to set up. In short, I see "syllables" rather than "ons", no fixed count of syllables either, no metonyms or metaphors, no seasonal reference (then again, we don't even have an updated English variant of Sajiki), and certainly no word-cutting, caesura or flow-twisting (here, I judge from independent verses, not the string as whole).
But beyond that, what I do see is nearly perfect rhythm, and that's the most important thing in any poetry! Especially the idea conveyed with good precision in such short forms.
This inspires me to write my own Haiku string. I think I'll invent my own form, though, rather than stick to the traditional Japanese one (which is quite difficult to carry forth into English language due to differences).
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Archiving here:
BEREAVEMENT
DISCLAIMER: Chrono Trigger doesn't belong to me.
XXX
A drop of tear falls
From my cheek as I recall
The old days with you.
You were a kind man
Who inspired and guided me
To be a great knight.
Together we shared
Both knowledge and enjoyment
Whilst working along.
Till the end of time,
I thought that our brotherhood
Would always exist.
But your life was short
As Magus snapped his fingers
And set you ablaze.
Seeing the red flame
Burning you to nothingness
Charred and scarred my heart.
When the flame died out,
Only ashes remained there,
On the spot you died.
Bereaved and tearful.
Our brotherhood had perished
For you had left me.
Since then, loneliness
Overwhelms me and my life
Freezes to the core.
XXX
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:?
not bad.... I like the poem, though frog talks more chivalrous!