"Talzar, have you found a way to Lavos?"
"Yes, my lord. The reason others have failed is that only its pure power can control time. Unfortunately, it's been tainted with the Earth's. We must extract the raw power to succeed. We must return to when he first came to Earth."
"Time travel? How?"
"The Epoch. This machine has been dismantled, and Belthazar has escaped this time, but there is one left who knows how to build it. We can reconstruct it and travel to when Lavos arrived. You have the spells for it, yes?"
"I have them. But we require the Relics. Do you have a plan to get through the protection of their temples? And who can rebuild the Epoch?"
"Not a man, a brilliant woman in Guardia, one of those so-called Heroes of Time. Lucca Ashtear. They all can enter the temples. We'll bait them with a reason to use the relics."
"How?"
"I've always wanted to use this little trinket. We'll place its curse upon the one we want. Only the relics can break it. Undoubtedly, the heroes will want the relics to save their friend. They'll gathering them... and give them to us. Once we tap into the thoughts of our new servant, Lucca, the Epoch will return. We'll use the relics to control of Lavos, and the heroes."
"Very well. Let us go to Truce, to take this Lucca. Soon, all times will learn to fear the name of Lord Serpedes."
I'll put in your dialogue to make it sound more natural.
the dialogue feels more like people talking and less like a forced lectureThis must have been me failing at a "villains planning" conversation. I took it too far as it was pretty clear. Cassander's and Talia's was easier because it is just a friend to friend conversation, as opposed to master to minion.
there's a few clues as to how they're connected to those we already know and loveHe he, I love writing about those kinds of things. The only thing I am worried about though is arguments coming up about how Talia's dad is *him*. Mostly, I have to thank Lady Marle on here for getting me onto that ship. ^_^
Edit: Ah, I see at what you're going for in your stories! I think I should start describing the scenery a little more or what's going on around the characters.
And you're just going in to high school?
"She possesses thine traits as her mother, yet she carries much determination."Translated from Shakespearean English, this line makes little sense. Just using the word "thine" does not a proper medieval sentence make. (For future reference, the word "thine" is only used preceding a word with a vowel sound.) Try replacing it with this:
"She possess the traits of her mother, determination being the most fully passed, though the others be hardly lacking."Read this way, your earlier description of Glenn's medieval dialect being less prevalent in his speech is more clearly demonstrated, but he still does not speak in a contemporary fashion.
P.S. Am I the only one who is getting a bunch of 503 errors? It's making things take much longer and annoying.
Overused Plots: Oh dear, I didn't know how overused that concept was. I can do my best to play it out in a unique way, though I don't think that will be saying much.
Glenn Speech: Replaced Glenn's line. It's pretty clear I'm a noob at Old English.
...honestly I feel really shaky about all my writing now. My worst fear is that I will have to start the whole thing over or possibly cancel it.
The heroes collect the relics, the enemy gets what they want, the heroes engage in a titanic battle to stop the now-stronger villain and somehow win where they couldn't before, and life goes on.
More positively, your descriptive prose is very good, especially considering your age. I'm envious. If I had your level of talent at age 15, I'd be a much better writer today - and I don't consider myself a slouch in that department. The best advice I can give you is to expand your horizons and envision narrative situations that can turn into single-spaced chapters of ten pages or more. To do that, it is best to keep character front and center and not feel pressured to rush the plot. After all, who cares about plot if the characters aren't interesting?
For my writing, I use a program called OpenOffice.Well, go figure! That just happens to be the program I'm using. I'll look at that now...
While I agree with Lennis on a few counts, namely that ff.net isn't ideal for formatting, and that the basic plot is rather cliche, I have to disagree with the assumption that a cliche is a bad thing. Considering your source story is Chrono Trigger, which is the motherload of cliches wrapped into one package, I'd say if you came up with something entirely original it would feel out of place in this "world". The real trick is how you handle them and how you make them new, fresh, and surprising. I find that cliches are a good way to set up audience expectations,I have absolutely nothing to say about this except that I agree to the point. Cliche won't necessarily be a bad thing as long as it's not boring. I already have an idea for a major plot twist, but I will wait until I get there.
An idea that works with this sentiment would be to take Chapter 1 and re-write it completely, but start even farther back.Ya know, I was just considering that today. I think I will rewrite it completely and fix the info dumping. As for starting back further, I can't really do that. Mainly, how Talzar and Serpedes know about the whole Heroes of Time and Lavos is a major spoiler if I said their origins. I can tell you though it's something we are familiar with...
I don't know the rules on double posting, but oh well here I go.Now, the matter at hand.
Damn, nearly five days of silence? Where did you all go? I even slacked a lot on Chapter 5.
Speaking of, here it is!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8429026/5/Chrono_Relics
Hope it isn't too filler-like. It mostly looks into the pasts of the character and their feelings. Now, bad excuses time!
My brother let me play his unplayed copy of Pokemon Diamond, which I tend to play pokemon games for hours on end for a few days. I was mostly stuck on that and burned some midnight oil to write bits of the chapter, which my thoughts tended to flow better at that time, strangely enough. So here yo go, enjoy.
saw that you edited your last post instead of making a new post for Chapter four. Just so you know, I generally check new stuff by clicking those two links up top (unread posts and new replies) and when you edit a post that was already there, the new edit doesn't show up in those linksMostly, I would have thought if you saw the redone Chapter 1, you would have posted. So I edited that post, assuming no one saw it yet.I almost suspected that came up, but ah well. You and I are here now and that's what matters.
One last thing, you could always set up a Google Doc version, where it's all in one document and you just post the link and let others view but not edit it. That way you could format it however you wanted rather easily without the problems of ff.net and even include a table of contents as the first page that linked to the chapters, or whatever you want to do with it. Just a suggestion for a free alternative method of storing and sharing stuff without having to actually download anything new.
Chapter 1: Possibly I failed at implied meanings, but it's just a history book. Those shouldn't be anything "rare" or "sacred" and can be found in whatever schools or stores, and it wouldn't be an interesting read to hear about a villain going to the supermarket.I didn't get that implication in the text. Okay so the book's not a big deal, then why is it the centerpiece of the chapter? If the book is a common history book, and the common history of the Chrono planet includes the CT and CC "Heroes of Time" stories, why is Talzar using it at all? Shouldn't Serpedes know all this information Talzar is telling him? I feel like saying that the book is common and can be found anywhere is kind of an excuse for not writing (or at least thinking) more.
More about it: They have been studying the story in that book about Crono Co.'s adventures and some of Cross, which is partly where they know it. The other part? That's about that "major spoiler" I was talking about. I already did some foreshadowing at the end of Chapter 4, hopefully it was done at least decently.
Chapter 2: I see your point with a lot of this. Maybe I will add some intro to how Talia and Cassander got out. Then again, we never saw any cut scene of Marle escaping the castle to literally bump into her fate.No, but we did see Crono waking up, which is why I suggested you pick one of the two to be the "main" character and show them waking up to mimic the beginning of the game, then quickly switch to show how that character's life is quite different than what we've seen before, and finally segue into the two friends meeting as you currently have it.
Also, may you provide some examples where you say it is too expository?
Chapter 3: Trapped soul soldiers aren't really something new. The fact that they are in numbers of thousands is what adds to the element of the heroes being overwhelmed, let alone that they have 20 year rusty skills. I didn't add them being able to materialize places for 1: They are trapped in fake bodies and being able to do that would imply a way to escape if possible. and 2: A previous comment by Lennis who said they "seem to come out of nowhere" and made the enemy seem to have powers they actually don't have.So are they undead or regular or what? What does trapped soul mean? If they aren't coming out of nowhere and they're regular soldiers how is it that nobody sees them coming?
Lucca's precognition, remember that Crono and Marle also had that feeling. It comes from the magic they possess (said explicitly by Talia in Chapter 2, I believe). It is a very vague sense of warning. To compare, in Star Wars Episode IV, where after Alderaan got blown up, Obi-wan felt it as, approximate quote, "It feels like millions of voices just cried out in terror." it's a vague statement, but you know it's not something good.The problem with that is that's exactly like Magus' Black Wind. So I'd recommend having them just call it that, and have a character mention that it's a developing thing, "just like Janus".
Chapter 4: ...The other part I feel is not necessary to reply to.If you're not interested in replying in full or changing what you've written, then why ask for critique and feedback? Sorry for playing devil's advocate, not sorry for the long post.
I feel like saying that the book is common and can be found anywhere is kind of an excuse for not writing (or at least thinking) more.Err... I don't really know now. I try to think about those kinds of things, but I'm not sure what I could use to revise that.
Consider these instead:Hm... I'll look over them, do any edits I find to fit, and put them in soon.
So are they undead or regular or what? What does trapped soul mean? If they aren't coming out of nowhere and they're regular soldiers how is it that nobody sees them coming?Wow, I think I am being a little too vague with these kinds of things. Trapped soul soldiers, like I have here, are souls that have been brought out of rest by dark spells and forced back into mortal bodies to serve the one who cast such spells. I can already see how this will lead to other "underpowered" questions.
The problem with that is that's exactly like Magus' Black Wind. So I'd recommend having them just call it that, and have a character mention that it's a developing thing, "just like Janus".Didn't think of it that way. I'll do that sometime.
If you're not interested in replying in full or changing what you've written, then why ask for critique and feedback? Sorry for playing devil's advocate, not sorry for the long post.Oohhh... *tugs shirt collar* This was really bad phrasing on my part. What I meant was that the other part was answered in the Chapter 5 response. And I do want to change parts of this story, like I already have (hence completely remade Chapter 1) I just am distracted by other things, the s-word that you all will get mad at me if i say it again, and something I sure hope is just writer's block. That, being I have wavering interest in continuing this story. To reassure, it wasn't anything you said; it's just me. Also, no worries, I like long posts. ;)
Lennis
The post that I started this thread with said I have written stories before, but it was just fanfiction I am new to. So, I am already used to introducing a new universe to unfamiliar readers. If you are more suggesting hat I change the story to such a thing, then that's a whole different bottle of tonic.
If you don't want an elaborate backstory for how rare the book is and how it came to be and how it's secretly one of the Relics or something, then you could easily just have Serpedes say something like "Oh yes, it's so obvious! Lucca! Of course!" or "How could it have slipped my mind, Lucca, the inventor was one of the Heroes of Time! Talzar, this is why you're the chief scholar! You take care of the details while I plan the big picture." Or something like that to acknowledge that it's supposed to be common information. That's a quick fix. I'm not trying to write your story for you, but I do encourage you to cover as many little plot holes as possible. And there really aren't that many, all things considered, so don't get downtrodden.I feel like saying that the book is common and can be found anywhere is kind of an excuse for not writing (or at least thinking) more.Err... I don't really know now. I try to think about those kinds of things, but I'm not sure what I could use to revise that.
Wow, I think I am being a little too vague with these kinds of things. Trapped soul soldiers, like I have here, are souls that have been brought out of rest by dark spells and forced back into mortal bodies to serve the one who cast such spells. I can already see how this will lead to other "underpowered" questions.So they're like not-immortal zombies? That doesn't lead to many other questions, it actually answers them quite well. You should put the description you have here into the actual story, it would be quite helpful, and it's pretty cool. Crono&Co haven't faced zombies before, not exactly, anyway. They've faced Mystics and walking skeletons but reanimated bodies are new to them, so the challenge is more believable. Maybe they don't know the enemies can be taken down, and the horde overtakes them slowly. I would recommend that the enemy tells the heroes that they're reanimated and follow only him, and he could even lie and say they're immortal to intimidate the good guys.
Oohhh... *tugs shirt collar* This was really bad phrasing on my part. What I meant was that the other part was answered in the Chapter 5 response. And I do want to change parts of this story, like I already have (hence completely remade Chapter 1) I just am distracted by other things, the s-word that you all will get mad at me if i say it again, and something I sure hope is just writer's block. That, being I have wavering interest in continuing this story. To reassure, it wasn't anything you said; it's just me. Also, no worries, I like long posts. ;)Just don't say you're quitting. Keep working even if it's slow, and even if you have to just write something you don't like to move on and get to something you enjoy writing. You can always rewrite but you can't get there until it's written. When it's done, it's done. Best advice I got. And where can the Chapter 6 preview thing be found?
Also, I would still like to hear about the Chapter 6 preview thing. I'm currently experimenting with Cyrus's personality and I am not exactly satisfied with it. I just kind of want some advice on it before I make a whole chapter with it. Furthermore, I want to apologize if it seems like I don't care much about this whole thing. Truth is, I do and I take all advice really seriously, but it's something I can't really put into text on a topic post. I'm really sorry for any indifference... :(
And where can the Chapter 6 preview thing be found?Right here.
Ever since that angst-filled evening, where after Talia was knocked unconscious and she woke up in her own bed, she seemed to do nothing but lock herself in her room with her books or walk out to town. Since Lucca's disappearance, everyone at the orphanage was usually too depressed to eat much. Glenn seemed to be the worst, who would stay in his room practicing sword skills more than ever, and would talk about nothing but setting off soon to avenge his wife.
In spite of the gloom that veiled the orphanage, Talia grabbed some money and was walking over to the market with her younger brother Cyrus. The crown of his head came up to her shoulder. In that respect, he was almost like a shorter copy of his father. He had his tousled green hair, the golden eyes, and quite a strong build. The only things you could see from his mother was his face had a more gentle look to it and he was quite smart, though he preferred the art of broadswords. He also needed to wear glasses, but avoided it whenever possible. Because of the recent events, neither of his parents were scolding him for not wearing them. In all truth, he missed it.
The walk to the market was mostly silent. It wasn't until the moderately sized building was on the horizon that someone spoke up. It was Cyrus. “Talia, you've been a little weird, even more weird than lately. Is something up?”
Talia sighed. “Not really. It's just... I have to go with dad.”
Cyrus frowned at this statement. “What? What do you mean, 'go with him'? You don't actually mean, leave, do you?”
It was Talia's turn to frown, though for a different reason. “Just think about it Cyrus. I told you what happened when you were at Marron and Kells's house. We can't just lay around doing nothing while mom is in the hands of some psychopath sorcerer. Do you want her dead... again? She's already died once in an alternate time line, you know. And this time, she has dad, the current Guardian rulers, and us at stake. We need to fight back with whatever strength we have left. This time, however, we can be by our parents for whatever this is.”
Indeed, Cyrus had to think about it. He always enjoyed the use of his father's swords, along with the occasional hammer, but also yearned for a time to use them for real. This time, he would fight for his mother. Apart from that, knowing her technological contributions to the kingdom was more than enough of a reason to find her.
To wrap it all up, he replied quietly and gradually grew louder. “Yeah, you're right. We need to fight back. Maybe we can get King Crono to send troops. For once, I regret visiting Kells's house. Isn't his dad Fritz, that Crono saved from the guillotine? To think that Crono went from being on the execution block to king...”
Talia looked up and was grateful for a reason to interrupt her brother's characteristic rambling. “Hey, we're here!” Cyrus looked up at her words, and certainly enough, they were in front of the market that he was forced to walk to. Naturally, he didn't mind too much since it was run by Fritz.