Author Topic: Fritz Chronicles (Please, criticize!)  (Read 1219 times)

Nickolz

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Fritz Chronicles (Please, criticize!)
« on: June 08, 2008, 06:13:28 pm »
Summary: You remember when Crono freed Fritz from the guillotine, right? Well, this is a short story about how he got there, after a small travel around the world.

ONE-SHOT! ONE CHAPTER! ONE READ! IT'S FAST!

Any comments and/or critics are welcome! :(

(Notes about the text on the bottom)



Fritz Chronicles

        Fritz was running through the fields of Guardia. Was he desperate? Yes. Happy? For sure! He couldn't believe he had escaped from the castle's jail. Fritz ran more than ever, hoping that no guards would be following him.

        Arriving in Truce, there was almost nobody on the streets. He stopped running to call less attention, but still walked fast. “What a desert! People must all be at the Fair”, Fritz thought while approaching his home. “Finally! Now I can eat some descent food, sleep somewhere softer than rock... Oh God, thank you!”

        The youngster saw the plate “Truce Market” marking his Father's shop, which was also his home. With a smile on the face, he walked to the door. However, something stopped him. He remembered going back home was not an option, at least not for now. “Bye food. Bye bed.” Fritz sadly moved away from the shop and made his way around the block, so his father wouldn't see him through the window.

        “Maybe Elaine is still waiting for me”, he thought and went to the harbor, hoping his girlfriend was there. The harbor was on the other side of the town, therefore he took some time to reach it. When he arrived already exhausted at the ticket office...

Elaine: FRITZ!!!

        She was there, waiting for her boyfriend. Sitting on a bench, she seemed a little upset. Elaine stood up and went on his direction.

Elaine: I've been waiting for you for days! I thought you would come back sooner. You could have told me you would take so much time and… Oh Fritz! When was the last time you took a bath?

        Elaine moved back and shaked her hands around her nose. His lack of hygiene was notable even a few meters away. The tickets man had put a sign saying “closed” over the balcony and went to the back of the office seconds after Fritz came in.

Fritz: So many things happened, Elaine. We have to talk.
Elaine: Ha, yeah, sure! First you abandon me like that and then you wanna talk? Hunf!
Fritz: I'm serious, Elaine. Please.

       She looked him in the eyes. Tiny little eyes like those of a poor ownerless hungry dog, left aimlessly with nobody to love or to receive love from, all alone in a huge cruel world, desperately hoping for…

Elaine: AH, ALRIGHT! Just stop looking me like that…
Fritz: Nice Let's talk outta here, somewhere else.

        They left the Ticket Office, whose owner soon came back to work with every door and window opened, as well as an on ventilator. Elaine and Fritz walked to downtown.

Elaine: So let's g home, you'll take a shower and
Fritz: No! We can't go home.
Elaine: Why not?
Fritz: I'll explain. Let's go to the inn. There we can eat and talk in peace. Actually, I'm starving!
Elaine: What about your baggage?
Fritz: Patience, Elaine. Now, to the inn.

        Elaine was anxious, impatient, curious and also hungry, for she hadn't eaten yet. She had been waiting for her boyfriend almost the whole day at the Ticket Office. The inn wasn't too far, so they arrived quickly. Aside offering hosting services for travelers, the inn also had a small snack bar. Fritz was about to enter, but…

Elaine: Er, honey… I think we'd better sit on a table here outside.
Fritz: Uh, why?
Elaine: Because, if you get in there… Well, you'll make everyone get out. That's the truth.
Fritz: ¬¬ OK, I stay here. Then you go inside and order two jerkies.
Elaine: But I don't eat jerky.
Fritz: I know, they're both for me, you order whatever you want.

        Elaine rolled the eyes and entered to make the orders, while Fritz sit down at a table in the open air. A few minutes later she came back and sit in front of him.

Elaine: Right, now you'll tell me what happened.
Fritz: Indeed.
Elaine: So start.
Fritz: Very well…

        A few weeks ago I was trying to figure a way to gain more credit with my father. It's been so long since I last received a raise on my salary or anything and I've been working too much.

        I was arranging the shop's stock, making the items inventory and checking the prices when I had an idea. Our supplier was raising the prices for some products and that would certainly decrease our profit in the future. Therefore, I thought of finding new suppliers and cheaper products without my Father's knowledge. That way I could make new contacts, raise the profits on the shop and dad would end up glad and proud of me. Then I started planning a travel to…


Elaine: Fritz…
Fritz: What?
Elaine: I already know everything you've just said. You had told me a little before BOTH OF US planned that trip. ¬¬

        Fritz felt a little uncomfortable.

Fritz: Hum… Well… I just wanted to recap. ^^
Elaine: Fine… And that supplier from Porre does have too high prices. A bunch of thieves they are.
Fritz: Don't tell me.
Elaine: Great, now continue, but tell the part of the story which I don't know yet.

        I set sail on this trip three weeks ago from the Truce harbor, what you already knew. Medina was the first place I went, what you probably didn't have much certainty about.

Elaine: Oh! And are the Mystics really as generous as people say?
Fritz: From what I saw, yes they are. On the whole travel, the best prices I found were there.
Elaine: So you did find the new suppliers there! They may not be quite cute, but it's worth it. Then… Where are the products? We had settled you would bring the first portion.
Fritz: I know, but… things happened.

        I bought some products there, not much, just as much as I could carry all the way back. After a few days making business, I departed to Choras. I searched and searched, but couldn't find as good prices as those of Medina. Their strong point ain't market. So I just enjoyed the time I passed there.

        There were plenty of tourists in the city. Those castle ruins really call the attention. Not that I've felt astonished by a lot of rocks put together, but it's an interesting place, lots of different people. Ah, I also bought a gift for you there.


Elaine: Really? Oh, how cute, Fritz! Let me see it!
Fritz: I can't.
Elaine: “I can't? What do you mean?!
Fritz: You'll see.

        After Choras I went to Porre and stayed in an inn. I wasn't hoping to find any better prices there, but it would be cheaper to stop there and then come here than getting a boat in Choras going directly to Truce. Any boat going or coming from Choras is too expensive.

        I did research the stores in Porre, but I wasn't really willing to, it was just half an afternoon lost. I spent the rest of the day in a bar listening to a great pianist. And man, did he play! Skies turned dark and I went to the inn. The next day I would get a boat back to Truce.


        Finally, the waitress arrived with their food. Two jerkies for Fritz, a sandwich for Elaine and two juice glasses. Fritz stopped telling his story to mercilessly attack his jerky.

Elaine: Fritz! Behave!

        She hadn't even bitten her sandwich twice and he had already finished the first jerky.

Fritz: It's simply… divine!
Elaine: Actually, it's pure cholesterol.

        He didn't give her attention, already devouring the next jerky, with more calm.

Elaine: Stop clogging your arteries and keep speaking. Tell what happened at once!

        Fritz left his food on the plate and continued. While he spoke, Elaine ate her snack.

        I was already asleep in my room at the inn. I woke up when I heard a noise at the reception and went there to see. Then I realized I shouldn't have. The inn was being assaulted by a bunch of thieves.

Elaine: Oh no!

        Oh yeah! They had tied the owner and were taking all his money. I didn't think twice! Aware of my own courage and strength, I took all my things and tried to run away.

Elaine: That's my man. ¬¬

        I managed to pick everything, even the products. They saw me running through the exit, but couldn't catch me, I was too fast. As soon as I got out, I saw various soldiers of Guardia coming to the inn, they noticed there was an assault. “Great, I'm safe”, I was thinking. But two of them jumped over me! Understanding nothing, I struggled, asked them to free me, but they were too strong. The others entered the inn and caught the thieves. They threw us all inside a wooden cell on wheels. They thought I was a thief like them! Can you believe it?!

Elaine: Well, they saw you running out of an inn being robbed and carrying a lot of stuff… But didn't they ask you anything?
Fritz: No! They just threw me inside there!
Elaine: Oh, my poor Fritz!
Fritz: Yeah, it was tough, I suffered… I need a kiss.
Elaine: No, you need a bath.
Fritz: T.T
Elaine: But what happened? Did they take you to jail? Were you there all this time? Did they treat you badly?

        It was terrible! I told them all the way, from Porre to the Guardia Castle, that I was no thief, but they didn't believe in me. They just made jokes. Even those damn thieves!

        They left me in a dirty and dark cell, in the castle jails. I stayed there for some days, just with the disgusting food they gave, sleeping on the cold floor, but only when I managed to sleep. I could always hear some horrifying scream coming from another corner of those jails.

        Yesterday they took me out of my cell to the execution room. They said the other thieves had already been executed and that it was my time. They immobilized my neck and hands on a guillotine, I stayed that way the whole night. One of the guards told me I'd be executed the next morning, after breakfast.


Elaine: Oh, that's too much for me!
Fritz: Should I stop?
Elaine: No! Continue!

        Well, little time before my execution the guards passed through the room taking a guy with a weird hair. They were gonna kill him too, but then Lucca showed up.

Elaine: Lucca?
Fritz: Lucca…
Elaine: …
Fritz: …
Elaine: You mean, Lucca, that crazy Taban’s daughter who is only capable of building things that explode.
Fritz: Exactly.
Elaine: How the hell did she get in there? No, wait. What the hell was she doing there?

        I dunno. I just know she entered the room they had taken the boy holding one more of her strange gadgets. And she got out of there with him! Afterwards, he also freed me from the guillotine. They ended up creating quite a fuss while trying to escape the castle. All I did was take advantage of the chance and get out when nobody was looking. When I reached the forest, I started running to truce, found you and here we are. Me, completely exhausted physically and mentally, and you, not even trying to make me feel a little better like an actual girlfriend should do.

        Elaine had already finished her snack, when Fritz kept eating his jerky.

Elaine: Ahem, we talk about that later. But, wow Fritz! That guy saved your life! What was his name?
Fritz: Hmm… He told me… It was… Something I can't remember right now.
Elaine: Fritz! How can't you remember?!
Fritz: Ah, I was desperate to save my life! Gimme a discount, OK?
Elaine: So, how was he? Maybe I could recognize him.
Fritz: Well, he had a red huge spiky hair, a headband, a katana…
Elaine: I know! He may be Crono, Gina's son! She lives around here and is our client!
Fritz: Hm, yeah, poor woman. I remember there were many guards after him. I don't know if he could have escaped.
Elaine: I hope he has. You owe him your life!
Fritz: I know… Would 10 Mid Ethers cover the debt?
Elaine: Oh Fritz, stop joking like that…
Fritz: Joking?
Elaine: … Hey! What about the products?
Fritz: They stayed at the inn in Porre. But only if nobody touched nothing. They must be there with no owner since they took me.
Elaine: We gotta go get them! All that stuff will give a big loss if we don't recover it! Moreover, our plan regarding your father and the shop and everything else would have been for nothing!

        Elaine seemed worried. Fritz finished the jerky, but was still drinking his juice, totally unconcerned.

Fritz: I agree… You could catch the next boat to Porre and grab them. The boat must be exiting the harbor in minutes.
Elaine: Ah! Me? Going and coming from Porre all alone with a lot of baggage? Are you insane?!
Fritz: And you want me to go to that city so the soldiers can arrest me again? I don't.
Elaine: Hum, right. And what are you gonna do while I make all this effort?
Fritz: Me? Hmm… I was thinking about eating another jerky. The food in the jail was awful!



Thanks for either reading my fic or just scrolling the page to its bottom.

Notes: This is my first fanfiction in English. It's a translation of a fic I originally wrote in Portuguese, many months ago. I would appreciate if there were comments about my English (if it's good enough to read or if it could get better at any aspects).
About the names before the speeches, I'm no great fan of such style. But I thought this would be the best way to keep the narrative rhythm the way it should be.

About the story, it happens in a timeline in which Ozzie has been definitely defeated in 600A.D. (happy friendly mystics! =D).
Yes, I know there's only one ferry in the whole world which takes people from Truce to Porre and from Porre to Truce only. But who cares? I don't.
Mystics' products are actually the cheapest you can find in 1000 A.D..
« Last Edit: June 08, 2008, 06:19:45 pm by Nickolz »

Delta Dragon

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Re: Fritz Chronicles (Please, criticize!)
« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2008, 09:44:36 pm »
I liked it.  And I'll admit I never would have thought of this.  Great idea.  Not really any questions or critique.

rushingwind

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Re: Fritz Chronicles (Please, criticize!)
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2008, 07:12:59 am »
Thank you for sharing your fanfiction with us!  :)  As a famous author once said,  "Writing fiction is like allowing yourself to be the ugliest person in the room and the most beautiful person at the same time. The part of you that is dying to be heard is chronically at odds with the part of you that fears exposure, rejection, or being just plain bad."    That quote sums up why I have so much respect for people who do share their writing with others!  :)

As for the story, I liked it very much!  It's a very logical and interesting piece of backstory for Fritz.  I loved the mentions of the Jerky and of the Piano player.  :)  And your English is very good.  I had no idea you weren't a native speaker until I reached the end!  :) 

Boo the Gentleman Caller

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Re: Fritz Chronicles (Please, criticize!)
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2008, 07:52:35 pm »
Quite enjoyable!  Good read!

Nickolz

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Re: Fritz Chronicles (Please, criticize!)
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2008, 08:38:09 pm »
Thank you for the commentary! Thank you for the commentary! Thank you for the commentary!

And I specially liked this quote from a famous author. May I quote your quoting some day?

And now that I feel inspired, I shall also finish and translate another fic about the dead man of Arris Dome.

... Idon't know why, but I just find the least notable characters the most interesting ones to write about. I guess I like backgrounding people. ^^

x_XTacTX_x

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Re: Fritz Chronicles (Please, criticize!)
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2008, 08:59:12 pm »
:lol: Very good! even though they're were emoticons, and it was in script form (the two literary elements I dislike the most) I found in incredibly entertaining. Great job on this.

V_Translanka

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Re: Fritz Chronicles (Please, criticize!)
« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2008, 12:41:19 am »
Yeah, I've gotta agree w/Tact on the emoticons & weird transfer partway in to script form not being the best writing style...It's ok for a first attempt, but you should really just focus on being more descriptive than falling back on easy cues like that.

Anyways, it's a neat story idea and the only quasi-flaw I found in the logic was the fact that in-game Fritz leaves immediately after he's freed, he doesn't follow after Crono & Lucca (& really, who waits for Lucca to rescue them? CRONO BUSTS HISSELF OUT~!!! :P)...It might've been a nice scene if Fritz had gotten totally lost (I know I would have) in the dungeon & then at last came across the Dragon Tank fight just in time to see Crono land his finishing blow (clearly one of the most awesome moments in Chrono Trigger)...and then Fritz having to cross the people bridge of the Chancellor & the two soldiers! Ah, but anyways...>_>

Nickolz

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Re: Fritz Chronicles (Please, criticize!)
« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2008, 12:20:52 pm »
Thanks, TacT and Mr. Translanka.

I've been thinking about reviewing and rewriting it without the emoticons and parts in script form, in order to officially submit it in the Compendium... or just to make it look more literary.

Well well, thanks again. You've really helped me a lot.